Christmas Party....

Discussion in 'Lighten UPS' started by soberups, Dec 20, 2009.

  1. soberups

    soberups Pees in the brown Koolaid

    2009 COMPANY CHRISTMAS PARTY

    Company Memo:
    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: October 1, 2009
    RE: Gala Christmas Party
    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
    on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the
    Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll
    have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing
    along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
    Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts
    among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be
    over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
    This gathering is only for employees!
    Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

    Merry Christmas to you and your family,

    Patty
    ********************
    Company Memo
    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: October 2, 2009
    RE: Gala Holiday Party
    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
    employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which
    often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
    However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
    policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to
    those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no
    Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have
    other types of music for your enjoyment.

    Happy now?

    Happy Holidays to you and your family,

    Patty
    ********************
    Company Memo
    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: October 3, 2009
    RE: Holiday Party
    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
    requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
    to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
    "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
    handle this?
    Somebody?

    And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed
    since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the
    executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

    REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
    ********************
    Company Memo
    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    To: All Employees
    DATE: October 4, 2009
    RE: Generic Holiday Party

    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
    the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
    during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
    appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our
    Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
    serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything
    for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that
    work?

    Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of
    Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant
    women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

    Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
    with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will
    be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

    To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks
    that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about
    confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

    We will have booster seats for short people.
    Low-fat food will be available for those on
    a diet.

    I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in
    the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood
    pressure taste a bite first.
    There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the
    restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

    Did I miss anything?!?!?

    Patty
    ********************
    Company Memo
    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All F*%^ing Employees
    DATE: October 5, 2009
    RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
    I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this
    party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
    quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
    quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including
    organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
    scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing
    them scream right NOW!

    The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have
    a rotten holiday!

    Drive drunk and die,

    The B*tch from H*ll!!!
    ********************
    Company Memo
    FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
    DATE: October 6, 2009
    RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
    and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
    In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
    give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

    Happy Holidays!

    Joan
     
  2. Jones

    Jones fILE A GRIEVE! Staff Member

    Funny stuff :happy-very:.
    I wonder if they had a better party than this guy?
     
  3. hurricanegunner

    hurricanegunner UPSPoop

    Oh, that guy is just too lonely! LOL!
     
  4. hurricanegunner

    hurricanegunner UPSPoop

    Sober, that was hilarious!
     
  5. Bigfoot76

    Bigfoot76 New Member

    Just great iam still laughin
     
  6. PT Stewie

    PT Stewie "Big Fella"

    LOL !!! unfourtunatley it could be the truth. A sad commentary on our current state of affairs.All accept the tomato part I am from New Jersey and we love our tomatoes.Or as they say in south philly or south jersey "Tamate-as"