From The Chairman: Peak 2013

Discussion in 'FedEx Discussions' started by MrFedEx, Feb 14, 2014.

  1. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Dear Team Members,

    Bravo Zulu, and congratulations on a flawless Peak season. We had 100% customer AND employee satisfaction, with zero late packages. That's right...every single package...on time!! All of the credit for this incredible effort goes to our management team, who perfected a Peak operating plan that was incredibly well thought-out and executed. As a result, all of the top management team will be getting $1M bonuses...except for Matthew Thornton. MT3 was so above and beyond great, that he gets $2M and that new gold-plated Gulfstream he's been waiting for. This will shave a full 30 minutes off his trips to and from Chicago.

    And me? Since I'm even better, I'm voting myself a $3M raise and an additional 100,000 shares of stock. It's the least I deserve. I put-in at least 2 to 3 hours every night attending holiday parties with influential politicians and lobbyists. Whew!! I'm exhausted. Dave Bronczek also out-did himself, sometimes hitting 5 or 6 parties per week. He kissed so much ass that I had to give him a vacation so his lips could heal...swollen shut. He had to take his caviar through a tube for a week. God, what sacrifice. I bought him a 55-gallon drum of Vaseline for Christmas.

    I'm very angry at the media for tainting FedEx with the mess UPS found itself in during Peak. In fact, I'm considering a lawsuit against all major media outlets for lying and saying we had hundreds of thousands of late or undelivered packages, when there wasn't a single one.

    Anyway, as a reward for your worthless efforts this Peak, I'm cutting benefits completely away, and putting-off your "raise" (ha-ha) until March, 2015. I figure all of you can be replaced at-will, so no further need for pretense, right? I'll just tell you to your suck, I own you, and I could care less if any of you live or die. It's all about me, baby, and you'd best learn that...or else.

    Your Fuhrer
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  2. Goldilocks

    Goldilocks Well-Known Member

    Forgive me Heil Fuhrer, what happened to Express valentines volume? Heard you gave it all to the Ground Division. Also heard they offered next day delivery within 500 miles. Those ground guys must still be out there delivering.
  3. HomeDelivery

    HomeDelivery Well-Known Member

    not the Home Delivery driver in Pa... he got stuck in a huge pileup just outside Philly... (see attached pic)

    check out the gallery of How that HD driver had escaped without that much damage to his package car! i thought he would've got T-boned...

    most of my region, heck, almost all of the US got that wacky polar-vortex Nor'easter & those PA/Jersean commuters were driving like it hadn't snow/rain/sleet the day before?!?!

    luckily, there were no fatality noted at that huge pile-up

    I took a week off due to 2 school closings & 2 two-hour delays for my kids (i make less than the wifey, so i took the LWOP)

    it's gonna be a fun day to be delivering those proflowers, sherries berries, & chocolates on President's Day:yawn2:

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  4. Dex01

    Dex01 Banned

    Bravo! Bravo! Another superlative example of redundancy/superfluidity. Rage against the machine good fellow. Rage against the machine. Your efforts will surely pave the way to a new epoch of hope and prosperity.
  5. bbsam

    bbsam Moderator Staff Member

    Actually, I could have sworn I read this same post from MFE the first week of January.
  6. prodriver

    prodriver Guest

    At my terminal/HD we didn't get hit like projected, seems it was select zip codes.
  7. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Better to rage against the machine than passively allow it to run you over without a sound.
  8. bbsam

    bbsam Moderator Staff Member

    The machine hears nothing.
  9. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    The machine knows nothing, nor do it's parts.
  10. Dex01

    Dex01 Banned

    Well, that's a matter of debate. In my world view time is the most precious commodity on earth.
  11. bbsam

    bbsam Moderator Staff Member

    so rage against it all you like...I guess...if it makes you feel better.