From The Chairman: Peak 2013

MrFedEx

Engorged Member
Dear Team Members,

Bravo Zulu, and congratulations on a flawless Peak season. We had 100% customer AND employee satisfaction, with zero late packages. That's right...every single package...on time!! All of the credit for this incredible effort goes to our management team, who perfected a Peak operating plan that was incredibly well thought-out and executed. As a result, all of the top management team will be getting $1M bonuses...except for Matthew Thornton. MT3 was so above and beyond great, that he gets $2M and that new gold-plated Gulfstream he's been waiting for. This will shave a full 30 minutes off his trips to and from Chicago.

And me? Since I'm even better, I'm voting myself a $3M raise and an additional 100,000 shares of stock. It's the least I deserve. I put-in at least 2 to 3 hours every night attending holiday parties with influential politicians and lobbyists. Whew!! I'm exhausted. Dave Bronczek also out-did himself, sometimes hitting 5 or 6 parties per week. He kissed so much ass that I had to give him a vacation so his lips could heal...swollen shut. He had to take his caviar through a tube for a week. God, what sacrifice. I bought him a 55-gallon drum of Vaseline for Christmas.

I'm very angry at the media for tainting FedEx with the mess UPS found itself in during Peak. In fact, I'm considering a lawsuit against all major media outlets for lying and saying we had hundreds of thousands of late or undelivered packages, when there wasn't a single one.

Anyway, as a reward for your worthless efforts this Peak, I'm cutting benefits completely away, and putting-off your "raise" (ha-ha) until March, 2015. I figure all of you can be replaced at-will, so no further need for pretense, right? I'll just tell you to your faces...you suck, I own you, and I could care less if any of you live or die. It's all about me, baby, and you'd best learn that...or else.

Sincerely,
Your Fuhrer
 

Goldilocks

Well-Known Member
Forgive me Heil Fuhrer, what happened to Express valentines volume? Heard you gave it all to the Ground Division. Also heard they offered next day delivery within 500 miles. Those ground guys must still be out there delivering.
 

HomeDelivery

Well-Known Member
Those ground guys must still be out there delivering.

not the Home Delivery driver in Pa... he got stuck in a huge pileup just outside Philly... (see attached pic)

http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/gallery?section=news/local&id=9432131&photo=1

check out the gallery of How that HD driver had escaped without that much damage to his package car! i thought he would've got T-boned...

most of my region, heck, almost all of the US got that wacky polar-vortex Nor'easter & those PA/Jersean commuters were driving like it hadn't snow/rain/sleet the day before?!?!

luckily, there were no fatality noted at that huge pile-up

I took a week off due to 2 school closings & 2 two-hour delays for my kids (i make less than the wifey, so i took the LWOP)

it's gonna be a fun day to be delivering those proflowers, sherries berries, & chocolates on President's Day:yawn2:
 

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Dex01

Banned
Dear Team Members,

Bravo Zulu, and congratulations on a flawless Peak season. We had 100% customer AND employee satisfaction, with zero late packages. That's right...every single package...on time!! All of the credit for this incredible effort goes to our management team, who perfected a Peak operating plan that was incredibly well thought-out and executed. As a result, all of the top management team will be getting $1M bonuses...except for Matthew Thornton. MT3 was so above and beyond great, that he gets $2M and that new gold-plated Gulfstream he's been waiting for. This will shave a full 30 minutes off his trips to and from Chicago.

And me? Since I'm even better, I'm voting myself a $3M raise and an additional 100,000 shares of stock. It's the least I deserve. I put-in at least 2 to 3 hours every night attending holiday parties with influential politicians and lobbyists. Whew!! I'm exhausted. Dave Bronczek also out-did himself, sometimes hitting 5 or 6 parties per week. He kissed so much ass that I had to give him a vacation so his lips could heal...swollen shut. He had to take his caviar through a tube for a week. God, what sacrifice. I bought him a 55-gallon drum of Vaseline for Christmas.

I'm very angry at the media for tainting FedEx with the mess UPS found itself in during Peak. In fact, I'm considering a lawsuit against all major media outlets for lying and saying we had hundreds of thousands of late or undelivered packages, when there wasn't a single one.

Anyway, as a reward for your worthless efforts this Peak, I'm cutting benefits completely away, and putting-off your "raise" (ha-ha) until March, 2015. I figure all of you can be replaced at-will, so no further need for pretense, right? I'll just tell you to your faces...you suck, I own you, and I could care less if any of you live or die. It's all about me, baby, and you'd best learn that...or else.

Sincerely,
Your Fuhrer
Bravo! Bravo! Another superlative example of redundancy/superfluidity. Rage against the machine good fellow. Rage against the machine. Your efforts will surely pave the way to a new epoch of hope and prosperity.
 
P

prodriver

Guest
Forgive me Heil Fuhrer, what happened to Express valentines volume? Heard you gave it all to the Ground Division. Also heard they offered next day delivery within 500 miles. Those ground guys must still be out there delivering.

At my terminal/HD we didn't get hit like projected, seems it was select zip codes.
 

MrFedEx

Engorged Member
Bravo! Bravo! Another superlative example of redundancy/superfluidity. Rage against the machine good fellow. Rage against the machine. Your efforts will surely pave the way to a new epoch of hope and prosperity.

Better to rage against the machine than passively allow it to run you over without a sound.
 
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