MrFedEx
Engorged Member
Dear FedEx Team Members,
For many years now, we have all come together to meet the many challenges that have arisen in the overnight delivery business. And now, we've got our biggest challenge of all to face, and I know you can do it. Frankly, I'm greedy, and I want more money. The Express division has always been profitable, and sometimes VERY profitable for me, but the fact that I can get labor for practically nothing over at Ground has given me an opportunity to cash-in big time and screw you in the process. As you can clearly see, it's a big win-win...for me. And since I'm the only one who counts, it's a good deal.
I've invested heavily in politicians over the years, and I'm proud to say that I own some of the best ones out there. Speaker Boehner, Mitch McConnell, Senator Corker, and so many more...all right here in Uncle Fred's pocket. I was a Pioneer for George W. Bush, who I owned like the little Texas boy that he was...oh, that's another story. And Obama, well I own him too, and when we met last year he called me all sorts of good things. I wrote him a big check. Jim Hoffa's goes to Switzerland.....was I supposed to say that?
Anyway, I'm going to screw you employees really good this time, and now I can just come out and say it because there's nothing you can do about it. A union? Hell, I took care of that a few months ago, and there's nothing you can do about it now. I own you just as much as I own old Corker. Don't like it? McDonald's is hiring and so is WalMart.
Matt, Dave, and I are going to really cash-in big on this one, because when I drop the hammer on you in October, stock prices are going to shoot towards the moon. And we've all got a lot of stock, so it will be like 7-7-7 at Vegas when I pull that lever October 1st. Yeah baby!!! Daddy is going to buy a new box of Depends!!!
I just wanted you to know that I'm really enjoying this. For so long, we've had to scam you with market-levels and 25 year wage topouts (that was my idea), but now we can force you to do whatever we want, and that makes those ideas look like chicken scratch by comparison. I'm not sure yet how far I'll cut weekly minimums, but 30 hours sounds about right. Hell, you just need to work a bit harder and pull yourself up by your boot straps the way Mitt, George, and I did. If you were a good conservative Libertarian/Republican/GOP force of nature like me, you'd understand. I'm effing brilliant, a visionary they say, and you know something...they are RIGHT!!
Anyway, get ready for your screwing, cause Big Daddy Fred is gonna' go to town on y'all. Dano, boy, bring the limo around, and it had better be spotless!!
Sincerely,
Frederick Weasel Smith
For many years now, we have all come together to meet the many challenges that have arisen in the overnight delivery business. And now, we've got our biggest challenge of all to face, and I know you can do it. Frankly, I'm greedy, and I want more money. The Express division has always been profitable, and sometimes VERY profitable for me, but the fact that I can get labor for practically nothing over at Ground has given me an opportunity to cash-in big time and screw you in the process. As you can clearly see, it's a big win-win...for me. And since I'm the only one who counts, it's a good deal.
I've invested heavily in politicians over the years, and I'm proud to say that I own some of the best ones out there. Speaker Boehner, Mitch McConnell, Senator Corker, and so many more...all right here in Uncle Fred's pocket. I was a Pioneer for George W. Bush, who I owned like the little Texas boy that he was...oh, that's another story. And Obama, well I own him too, and when we met last year he called me all sorts of good things. I wrote him a big check. Jim Hoffa's goes to Switzerland.....was I supposed to say that?
Anyway, I'm going to screw you employees really good this time, and now I can just come out and say it because there's nothing you can do about it. A union? Hell, I took care of that a few months ago, and there's nothing you can do about it now. I own you just as much as I own old Corker. Don't like it? McDonald's is hiring and so is WalMart.
Matt, Dave, and I are going to really cash-in big on this one, because when I drop the hammer on you in October, stock prices are going to shoot towards the moon. And we've all got a lot of stock, so it will be like 7-7-7 at Vegas when I pull that lever October 1st. Yeah baby!!! Daddy is going to buy a new box of Depends!!!
I just wanted you to know that I'm really enjoying this. For so long, we've had to scam you with market-levels and 25 year wage topouts (that was my idea), but now we can force you to do whatever we want, and that makes those ideas look like chicken scratch by comparison. I'm not sure yet how far I'll cut weekly minimums, but 30 hours sounds about right. Hell, you just need to work a bit harder and pull yourself up by your boot straps the way Mitt, George, and I did. If you were a good conservative Libertarian/Republican/GOP force of nature like me, you'd understand. I'm effing brilliant, a visionary they say, and you know something...they are RIGHT!!
Anyway, get ready for your screwing, cause Big Daddy Fred is gonna' go to town on y'all. Dano, boy, bring the limo around, and it had better be spotless!!
Sincerely,
Frederick Weasel Smith
