Has anyone heard

Discussion in 'Lighten UPS' started by packageguy, Jan 7, 2013.

  1. packageguy

    packageguy Well-Known Member

    ​has anyone heard any good jokes, I need a few good laughs......
     
  2. Operational needs

    Operational needs Well-Known Member

    A old man and his wife are watching TV. He is flipping channels back and forth between the Fishing channel and a Porn channel. Back and forth. His wife gets exasperated and says, "Leave it on the Porn channel! You already know how to fish!"
     
  3. Dr.Brown

    Dr.Brown Swollen Member

    An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.
    He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
    Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.
    The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"
    "What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.
    "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again
     
  4. Operational needs

    Operational needs Well-Known Member

  5. sortaisle

    sortaisle Livin the cardboard dream

    A funeral service is held for a woman who has just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service the pallbearers carry her casket out again. As they're walking the husband cries out "Watch out for the walls!"
     
  6. sox

    sox Member

    2 Irishmen are drinking in a bar in NYC "so where are you from" says 1 "Dublin" Says the other. "So am I let's drink to that" and they do. "Where in Dublin" says 1 "St Pats parish" Says the other. "So am I let's drink to that" and they do. "Father Ryan at St Pats married my parents and baptized me" says 1. "The good father himself!" Says the other "He married Me parents and Christened all 8 of us" the drinking continued. At that point the night bartender walked in."anything happening Paddy" she asked? "Not really just the Sullivan brothers drunk again"
     
  7. Ms.PacMan

    Ms.PacMan Well-Known Member

    If a man says something and there are no women around to hear him - is he still wrong?
     
  8. 728ups

    728ups offending people on the internet since 1995

    are dirty jokes allowed?
     
  9. brownmonster

    brownmonster Man of Great Wisdom

    Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "why the long face?".
     
  10. Monkey Butt

    Monkey Butt You can call me Chappy Staff Member

    John Kerry walks into a bar. Bartender says "why the long face?".
     
  11. moreluck

    moreluck golden ticket member

    John Kerry's second job!!
     
  12. over9five

    over9five Moderator Staff Member

    They call him "Woodface". When I look at him, he reminds me of Mt Rushmore.
     
  13. serenity now

    serenity now Guest

    yes
     
  14. 728ups

    728ups offending people on the internet since 1995

    A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"