Heard Any Good Ones: Archive

B

biff

Guest
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Billy, you be first, she said, What does you mother do all day? Billy stood up and proudly said, Shes a doctor.

Thats wonderful. How about you, Amie?

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.

Thank you, Amie, said the teacher, What about your father, Tim?

Tim proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Tims house and rang the bell. Tims father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Tims father said, Im actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?
 
M

more

Guest
BEST EXCUSES WHEN CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK...

* "They told me at the blood bank that this might happen."

"This is just a 15 min. power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement."

"This is one of the 7 habits of highly effective people."

"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."

"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
 
M

more

Guest
FACTS I'M NOT SURE YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW......

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

The average life span of a major league baseball is 7 pitches.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.

111,111,111x111,111,111 = 12345678987654321.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are to be used as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The highest point in PA. is lower than the lowest point in CO.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. (makes me wonder what idiot tried)

The first toilet ever seen on TV was on Leave It To Beaver.

It takes 3000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
 
X

xbrown

Guest
knock, knock.........
who's there............
little ole lady........
little ole lady who...........................

I didn't know you could yoddle!!!
 
A

anonymous

Guest
And he wants to be our president?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The "Gorey" Details?

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Al Gore

"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
-- Vice President Al Gore

"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
--Vice President Al Gore

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." --Vice President Al Gore, 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." --Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, & that one word is 'to be prepared'." --Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." --Vice President Al
Gore, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." --Vice President Al Gore

"The future will be better tomorrow." --Vice President Al Gore

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." --Vice
President Al Gore, 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." --Vice President Al Gore

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." --Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." --Vice President Al Gore

"Public speaking is very easy." --Vice President Al Gore to reporters, 10/95

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat." --Vice President Al Gore

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." --Vice President Al Gore

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. --Al Gore

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." --Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." --Vice President Al Gore,9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." --Vice President Al Gore, 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make." --Vice President Al Gore

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." --Vice President Al Gore

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Vice President Al Gore

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." --Vice President Al Gore

AND, OF COURSE, (TO ALL USERS OF THE INTERNET), THE ALL TIME FAVORITE QUOTATION OF MR. AL GORE: "As many of you know, I was very instrumental in the founding of the Internet" --AL Gore to Katie Couric 3/99

"Let Inspiration Take The Place Of Aspiration"
 
M

more

Guest
TV TRUISMS....

* Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
* Good guys are always outnumbered.
* Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
* Heroes wear clothes that dirt won't stick to.
* Police never wait for back-up.
* Car wheels screech on any corner, even on dirt.
* Cars will explode in all accidents.
* Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.
* All Oriental folks know karate.
* Cream pies are made to be thrown, not eaten.
* Everybody wins in Las Vegas.
* Nobody ever has trouble finding a parking spot.
* Housework is never needed.
* Everyone knows hot to pick a lock with one tool.
* Everyone knows how to hot-wire a car.
* Street vendor's carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.
* The last 5 mins. of any show will explain the entire plot.
* Helicopters are attracted to mountains.
* If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
* Your car will start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer.
* Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
* To kill a vampire, you must start out 5 mins. before sunset.
* The group always splits up to look for the alien.
* Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
* Rich people are unhappy.
 
M

me

Guest
MANS INFINITE WISDOM
A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening
appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it
struggled to force it's body through that little hole.
Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had
gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.
So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors
and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.
The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and
small, shriveled wings.
The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at
any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support
the body, which would contract in time.
Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life
crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was
able to fly.
What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that
the restricting cocoon and the tiny opening were God's way of forcing
fluid
 
M

more

Guest
OXYMORONIC SAYINGS......

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

On one hand I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.

The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.

Prejudiced people are all alike.

Evil is not all bad.

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

There is no such thing as nonexistance.

He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.

One should never generalize.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidexterous.

An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.

Death to all fanatics.
 
M

more

Guest
MATING BULLS.....

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had all of the bulls. They come to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceeded to the next bull and his sign read: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That's over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "Wow! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow."
 
G

goldie

Guest
>> > >
>>> > > 1. So your daughter's a hooker
>>> > > and it spoiled your day..
>>> > > Look at the bright side,
>>> > > she's a really good lay.
>>> > >
>>> > > 2. My tire was thumping
>>> > > I thought it was flat
>>> > > when I looked at the tire
>>> > > I noticed your cat.....Sorry!
>>> > >
>>> > > 3. You had your bladder removed
>>> > > and you're on the mends
>>> > > here's a bouquet of flowers
>>> > > and a box of Depends.
>>> > >
>>> > > 4. You've announced that you're gay
>>> > > won't that be a laugh,
>>> > > when they find out you're one
>>> > > of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
>>> > >
>>> > > 5. Happy Vasectomy!
>>> > > Hope you feel zippy!
>>> > > 'Cause when I had mine
>>> > > I got real snippy!
>>> > >
>>> > > 6. Heard your wife left you
>>> > > How upset you must be
>>> > > But don't fret about it
>>> > > She moved in with me.
>>> > >
>>> > > 7. Your computer is dead
>>> > > It was once so alive
>>> > > Don't you regret installing
>>> > > Windows 95
>>> > >
>>> > > 8. You totaled your car
>>> > > and can't remember why
>>> > > could it have been
>>> > > the case of Bud Dry
>>> > >
>>> > > 9. Saw something today
>>> > > that reminded me of you
>>> > > As a matter of fact it was
>>> > > The <FONT COLOR="ff0000">••••</FONT> on my shoe.
>>> > >
 
M

more

Guest
GOLF THOUGHTS.......

The man who takes up golf to get his mind off work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There are 3 ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly or start cheating.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

Golf: A 5 mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
 
M

more

Guest
Q: What do a hurricane, a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common??

A: Someone's fixin' to lose a house trailer.
 
J

joe

Guest
Why Men Prefer Dogs Over Women:

** Dogs love it when your friends come over.
** Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
** Dogs think you sing great.
** Dogs don't cry.
** A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
** Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
** The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
** Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
** Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
** Dogs are excited by rough play.
** Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
** Dogs love red meat.
** Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
** Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
** If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
** Dogs don't shop.
** Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
** A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
** Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
** A dog's parents never visit.
** Dogs love long car trips.
** Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
** Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
** Dogs like beer.
** Dogs don't hate their bodies.
** No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie &amp; the Blowfish album.
** No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
** Dogs never criticize.
** Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
** Dogs never expect gifts.
** It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
** Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
** Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet,
desk and the back of your sock drawer.
** Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
** Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
** You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
** Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
** Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
** Dogs never want foot-rubs.
** Dogs can't talk.
** Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
** Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
 
O

old

Guest
An 80-year-old man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells him,
"You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might
live forever. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 80-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your
grandfather when he died?

The 80-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 80 years
old and both your father and your grandfather are both alive?"

"Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 126 years old, and
next week he is getting married for the first time."

The doctor said, "After 126 years of being a bachelor why on earth did your
grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
 
O

older

Guest
As They Get Old ...

- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.

- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
 
G

goldie

Guest
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:

Simple Duties:
You make the bed ..... +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows .....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets ..... -1
You leave the toilet seat up ..... -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty ..... 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex ..... -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom ..... -2

You go out to buy her tampons .....+5
In the snow ..... +8
But return with beer ..... -5

You check out a suspicious noise at night ..... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing ..... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something ..... +5
You pummel it with a six iron ..... +10
It's her pet ..... -10

Social Engagements:
Party:
You stay by her side the entire party ..... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
buddy...-2
Named Tiffany ..... -4
Tiffany is a dancer ..... -6
Tiffany has implants ..... -80

Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner ..... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ..... +1
Okay, it is a sports bar ..... -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night ..... -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team ..... -10

A Night Out With the Boys:
Go with a pal ..... -5
The pal is happily married ..... -4
Or frighteningly single ..... -7
And he drives a Corvette ..... -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..... -15

A Night Out:
You take her to a movie ..... +2
You take her to a movie she likes ..... +4
You take her to a movie you hate ..... +6
You take her to a movie you like ..... -2
It's called Death Cop 3 ..... -3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans ..... -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ..... -15

Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly ..... -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.....+ 10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..... -30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." ..... -8000

The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..... -1 (You lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding ..... -10
You reply, "Where?" ..... -35
Any other response ..... -20

Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression..... 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes ..... +50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the
TV.....+1000 She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep .....-2000
 
M

more

Guest
*** A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS ***

Skinny people p--- me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids but she doesn't give a damn.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the 6:00 class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen
b----, do it and die."

The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, drinking too much, driving too fast and impulse buying. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
 
V

vicky

Guest
Doctor Visit

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his
office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a
very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you
don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant,
and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a
nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner,
prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him
with chores, as this could further his stress."

"Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make
his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening
by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs.
Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on
television."

"And, most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can
do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the
doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.
 
M

more

Guest
*** REDNECK JOKE ***

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a redneck joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and he's a redneck. The feller next to him is a 6'5", 250 lb. redneck too. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."
 
T

tax

Guest
POLITICAL POTPOURRI
_________________________


Why do politicians envy ventriloquists?
Because they can lie without moving their lips.

What does a politician have in common with Jeffrey Dahmer?
They both have skeletons in their closet.

What do you call a politician who swears to tell the truth?
LIAR.

What do you call a democrat that sleeps around?
A breeding-heart liberal.

If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of progress?

What do you get when you cross a corrupt politician with a corrupt lawyer?
Chelsea.

How does the IRS describe a day at work?
Taxing.
 
Top