Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
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BigUnionGuy
Got the T-Shirt
moreluck
golden ticket member
A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"
A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires - then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead ?"
A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires - then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead ?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Not Enough Time
My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a `movie night` with her.
We watched `Hackers`, `The Net`, `Anti-Trust`, `You've Got Mail` and The Matrix.
She's still mad at me. What did I do?
My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a `movie night` with her.
We watched `Hackers`, `The Net`, `Anti-Trust`, `You've Got Mail` and The Matrix.
She's still mad at me. What did I do?
moreluck
golden ticket member
Marksmanship
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.
The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship.
The man turned out to be the village idiot.
"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"
"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.
The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship.
The man turned out to be the village idiot.
"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"
"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Self-Esteem
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Murphy
A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.
"Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy."
"Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens, there's a village right over the hill, where there's a butcher called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy."
Aha, thought the agent, here's my man. So he whispered the secret code. "The sun is shining..... the grass is growing..... the cows are ready for milking."
"Oh" said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy -- he's in the village over the other direction."
A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.
"Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy."
"Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens, there's a village right over the hill, where there's a butcher called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy."
Aha, thought the agent, here's my man. So he whispered the secret code. "The sun is shining..... the grass is growing..... the cows are ready for milking."
"Oh" said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy -- he's in the village over the other direction."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Childrens books that didn't make it
-- The Littlest Pawn: A Custody Battle
-- Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
-- The Curious Immigrant and the High-Voltage Fence
-- Some Hobos Can Be Kind
-- Why You Are Up for Adoption
-- Grandpa Gets a Casket
-- 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
-- The Magic Abandoned Refrigerator
-- Oops! You're Getting a Brother
-- Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
-- Your Nightmares Are Real
-- Oh, the Things That You'll Learn When You Talk to a Stranger!
-- How Buddy-Wuddy Got Hepatitis B
-- Mommy, Where Did Our House Go and Have You Seen My Toys?
-- When Everyone Finds Out You Wet the Bed
-- The Littlest Pawn: A Custody Battle
-- Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
-- The Curious Immigrant and the High-Voltage Fence
-- Some Hobos Can Be Kind
-- Why You Are Up for Adoption
-- Grandpa Gets a Casket
-- 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
-- The Magic Abandoned Refrigerator
-- Oops! You're Getting a Brother
-- Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
-- Your Nightmares Are Real
-- Oh, the Things That You'll Learn When You Talk to a Stranger!
-- How Buddy-Wuddy Got Hepatitis B
-- Mommy, Where Did Our House Go and Have You Seen My Toys?
-- When Everyone Finds Out You Wet the Bed
moreluck
golden ticket member
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a Priest, said, .... 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that..'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you
should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a Priest, said, .... 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that..'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you
should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar
moreluck
golden ticket member
Out Of This World
A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed near a local gas station. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.
"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.
"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds.
"It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."
A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed near a local gas station. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.
"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.
"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds.
"It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Double-Decker
Two bowling teams chartered a double-decker bus—they were going to Atlantic City for the weekend.
One team was in the bottom of the bus, and the other team was in the top of the bus. The team down below was really whooping it up when one of them realizes he didn't hear anything from the top.
Walking up the stairs, he saw all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to death.
He asked, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time."
One of the guys from the second team replied, "Yeah, but you guys've got a driver."
Two bowling teams chartered a double-decker bus—they were going to Atlantic City for the weekend.
One team was in the bottom of the bus, and the other team was in the top of the bus. The team down below was really whooping it up when one of them realizes he didn't hear anything from the top.
Walking up the stairs, he saw all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to death.
He asked, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time."
One of the guys from the second team replied, "Yeah, but you guys've got a driver."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Don't Try This At Home
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained, "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained, "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Keeping It All In Proportion
One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.
The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor.
The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.
"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."
The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother. "Okay, A minus," he said.
One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.
The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor.
The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.
"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."
The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother. "Okay, A minus," he said.
moreluck
golden ticket member
For Hallowen:
People always ask kids the same stupid questions. "What are you suppose to be?" I'm suppose to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?
~Seinfeld~
"Pretend to be someone you're not, and receive candy....Halloween or Valentine's day? ~Aaron Fullerton~
My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&Ms, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don't think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata. ~Wendy Liebman~
I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.
-Rob O'Reilly-
When it comes to candy bars, the term 'fun sized' is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being 1/8 the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: 'disappointment sized'.
~JimmyKimmel~
People always ask kids the same stupid questions. "What are you suppose to be?" I'm suppose to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?
~Seinfeld~
"Pretend to be someone you're not, and receive candy....Halloween or Valentine's day? ~Aaron Fullerton~
My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&Ms, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don't think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata. ~Wendy Liebman~
I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.
-Rob O'Reilly-
When it comes to candy bars, the term 'fun sized' is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being 1/8 the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: 'disappointment sized'.
~JimmyKimmel~
moreluck
golden ticket member
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
"I thought you were a ghost", says the relieved teen.. "Why are you working so late?"
"Oh, those idiots", grumbles the old man. "They misspelled my name!"
"I thought you were a ghost", says the relieved teen.. "Why are you working so late?"
"Oh, those idiots", grumbles the old man. "They misspelled my name!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
The Ten Commandments
The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post
Thou Shalt Not Steal,
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,
and Thou Shall Not Lie
in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.
The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post
Thou Shalt Not Steal,
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,
and Thou Shall Not Lie
in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.
moreluck
golden ticket member
How Far Away
The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.
"Does the hole go all the way through?"
"Yes."
"Did it hurt?"
"Just a little."
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"
"No, they used a special gun."
Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out,
"How far away did they stand?"
The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.
"Does the hole go all the way through?"
"Yes."
"Did it hurt?"
"Just a little."
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"
"No, they used a special gun."
Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out,
"How far away did they stand?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
A Pilgrim Family
Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
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