Heard any good ones?

Discussion in 'Life After Brown' started by retired, Mar 14, 2002.

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  1. retired

    retired Guest


    While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of
    a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

    Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same
    name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago.

    Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
    This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old
    to have been my classmate.

    After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended
    the local high school.

    "Yes," he replied.

    "When did you graduate?" I asked.

    He answered, "In 1957."

    "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

    He looked at me closely and then asked......



    "What did you teach?"
  2. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    > > > >
    > > > > EXPOSURE
    > > > > A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open
    > and her right
    > > > > breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says,
    > "Ma'am, are
    > > > > you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She
    > says,
    > >"Why,
    > > > > officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out."
    > > > > She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on
    > the bus
    > > > > again!"
    > > > > ___________________________________
    > > > > A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
    > "I want you
    > > > > to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat
    > this
    > >procedure
    > > > > for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at
    > least five
    > > > > pounds"
    > > > > When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
    > > > > "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my
    > > > > instructions?"
    > > > > The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was
    > going to drop
    > > > > dead that third day."
    > > > > "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
    > > > > "No, from all that skipping."
    > > > > ______________________
    > > > > RIVER WALK
    > > > > There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river
    > and sees
    > > > > another blonde on the opposite bank.
    > > > > "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
    > > > > The second blonde looks up the river then down the river
    > then shouts
    > > > > back, "You are on the other side."
    > > > > _____________________
    > > > > KNITTING
    > > > > A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
    > freeway.
    > > > > Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
    > blonde behind
    > >the
    > > > > wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
    > flashing
    > > > > lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
    > turned on his
    > > > > bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
    > > > > "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
    > > > > ________________
    > > > > BLONDE ON THE SUN
    > > > > A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
    > > > > The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
    > > > > The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
    > > > > The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on
    > the sun!"
    > > > > The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook
    > their
    > > > > heads.
    > > > > "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!"
    > said the
    > > > > Russian.
    > > > > To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
    > We're going
    > > > > at night!"
    > > > > _______________
    > > > > A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her
    > very nicely
    > > > > if he could see her license.
    > > > > She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
    > together.
    > > > > Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you
    > expect me
    > >to
    > > > > show it to you!"
    > > > > ___________
    > > > > THE VACUUM
    > > > > A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her
    > turn. She
    > > > > rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her
    > question
    > >was,
    > > > > "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can
    > you hear it?"
    > > > > She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
    > > > > _____________________
    > > > > FINAL EXAM
    > > > > The blonde reported for her university final examination
    > that consists
    > > > > of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the
    > examination
    > >hall,
    > > > > stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in
    > a fit of
    > > > > inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts
    > tossing the
    > > > > coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No"
    > for Tails.
    > > > > Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of
    > the class is
    > > > > sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen
    > desperately
    > > > > throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
    > > > > The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is
    > going on.
    > > > > "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my
    > answers."
    > > > > _____________________
    > > > > There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles
    > so she
    > > > > decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to
    > a local
    > > > > park,
    > > > > grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this
    > note. "I
    > > > > have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown
    > bag behind
    > > > > the
    > > > > big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The
    > Blonde" She
    > > > > pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him
    > to go
    > > > > straight home.
    > > > > The next morning, she returned to the park to find the
    > $10,000 in a
    > > > > brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had
    > instructed. Inside
    > > > > the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I
    > cannot
    > >believe
    > > > > that one blonde would do this to another!"
    > > > > ____________________
    > > > > NOT BLONDE, but . .
    > > > > When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
    > discovered
    > > > > that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To
    > combat the
    > > > > problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to
    > develop a
    > > > > pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater,
    > on almost
    > >any
    > > > > surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from
    > below
    > >freezing
    > > > > to 300C.
    > > > > The Russians used a pencil.
    > > >
    > > >
  3. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    Andy Rooney On Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a
    treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

    Andy Rooney On Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."

    Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

    Andy Rooney On Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

    Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't
    know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone."(Says Into Phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood".

    Andy Rooney On Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

    Andy Rooney On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got
    that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
  4. moreluck

    moreluck Guest


    The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out
    something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."



    A police officer stops a blonde for speeding, and
    asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
    Huffily, she replied, "I wish you guys would make up your mind. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show
    it to you!"



    A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice, and landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was,
    "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"



    An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde
    stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival,
    the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room."You can't get out of your room? "Why not?" the captain asked. "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb!'"
  5. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    > A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
    > The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and
    > said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The
    > husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman
    > wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
    > Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
    > sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
    > says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here,
    > me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks
    > the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
    > A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
    > a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door
    > she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
    > She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
    > with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
    > The boyfriend yells,"No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut
    > you're next!"
    > A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
    > says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's
    > capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
    > What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
    > "Is it mine?"
    > A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously,
    > managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and as applying
    > fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper
    > "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are
    > you OK ma'am?" Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how
    > in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the
    > car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was
    > along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me.
    > So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the
    > and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another
    > tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer
    > said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That
    > was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
    > Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
    > and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
    > The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit
    > patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached
    > the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
    > shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down. Putting her
    > face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home
    > to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
    > they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.
  6. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    ABOUT GOLF......

    > > "It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are
    > > rolling."
    > > -Mark Twain
    > >
    > > "One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a
    > > bowling ball."
    > > -Don Carter, pro bowler
  7. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    You might be from a small town if..........

    You can name everyone you graduated with.

    You know what 4-H is.

    You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn or in the middle of a dirt road.

    You used to drag "the main".

    You said a curse word and your parents knew about it within the hour.

    You ever went cow tipping or snipe hunting.

    You could never buy beer or cigs. because all the store clerks knew how old you were.

    You were ever in the Homecoming parade.

    It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.

    You had senior skip day.

    The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

    You have never been to a dance that wasn't in a gym.

    The country club golf course had only 9 holes.

    You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend

    You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.

    Getting minimum wage is considered a raise.

    You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people."

    Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

    Weekend excitement involves a trip to WalMart.

    You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

    You have worn your letter jacket after your 19th birthday.

    You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

    The city council meets at the coffee shop.
  8. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    > What Does Your Dad Do?
    > At the first day of school in Houston the teacher thought she'd get to
    > know the kids by asking them their name and what their father did for a
    > living.
    > The first little girl said" "My name is Mary and my daddy is a
    > postman."
    > The next little boy said "I'm Andy and my dad is a mechanic."
    > Then one little boy says "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease
    > dancer in a cabaret for gay men!"
    > The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject, but later in the
    > school yard she approached Jimmy privately and asked if what he said was
    > really true. Jimmy blushed and said
    > "I"m sorry, but my dad is an auditor for Arthur Anderson, and I was just
    > too embarrassed to say so."
  9. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    Subject: Great Idea!

    Federal Aviation Agency
    800 Independence Avenue S.W.
    Washington D.C. 20591

    Dear Sirs:
    I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time
    getting our airline industry back on its feet.

    Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we
    should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims
    would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and
    of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in
    hope of seeing a naked woman. We would have no more hijackings, and the
    airline industry would have record sales.

    Now why didn't Congress think of this?

    Bill Clinton
  10. moreluck

    moreluck Guest


    If you are under 30, don't even attempt to take this quiz!!

    1. "Kookie; Kookie. Lend me your ________________."

    2. The "battle cry" of the hippies in the sixties was "Turn on; tune in;________________."

    3. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man?" Invariably, someone would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind." What did he leave behind?________________.

    4. Folk songs were played side by side with rock and roll. One of the most memorable folk songs included these lyrics: "When the rooster crows at the break of dawn, look out your window and I'll be gone. You're the reason I'm traveling on, _______________________."

    5. A group of protesters arrested at the Democratic convention in Chicago in 1968 achieved cult status, and were known as the ________________.

    6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the ________________________show.

    7. Some of us who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning our _____________.

    8. We all learned to read using the same books. We read about the thrilling lives and adventures of Dick and Jane. What was the name of Dick and Jane's dog?______

    9. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk (what there was of it) in the front, was called the VW. What other name(s) did it go by? _______________ & ________________

    10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names the ___________and the ____________.

    11. In the seventies, we called the drop-out nonconformists "hippies." But in the early sixties, they were known as ________________.

    12. William Bendix played Chester A. Riley, who always seemed to get the short end of the stick in the television program, "The Life of Riley." At the end of each show, poor Chester would turn to the camera and exclaim, "What a ________."

    13. "Get your kicks, ________________."

    14. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed________________."

    15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his martinis a specialway:________________.

    16. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."

    17. That "adult" book by Henry Miller - the one that contained all the "dirty" dialogue - was called _________.

    18. Today, the math geniuses in school might walk around with a calculator strapped to their belts. But back in the sixties, members of the math club used a _________.

    19. In 1971, singer Don Maclean sang a song about "the day the music died." This was a reference and tribute to _______________.

    20. A well-known television commercial featured a driver who was miraculously lifted through thin air and into the front seat of a
    convertible. The matching slogan was "Let Hertz ________________."

    21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the________________.

    22. "N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best... _____________________."

    23. In the late sixties, the "full figure" style of Jane Russell and Marilyn Monroe gave way to the "trim" look, as first exemplified by British model ________________.

    24. Sachmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was ________________.

    25. On Jackie Gleason's variety show in the sixties, one of the most popular segments was "Joe, the Bartender." Joe's regular visitor at the bar was that slightly off- center, but lovable character, _______________. (The character's name, not the actor's.)

    26. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it; it was called ____________.

    27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?____________.

    28. One of the big fads of the late fifties and sixties was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist; it was called the ________________.

    29. The "Age of Aquarius" was brought into the mainstream in the Broadway musical ______________.

    30. This is a two-parter: Red Skelton's hobo character (not the hayseed, the hobo) was ________________. Red ended his television show by saying, "Good night, and ________________."

    (these are the answers.)

    1. "Kookie; Kookie; lend me your comb."

    2. The "battle cry" of the hippies in the sixties was "Turn on; tune in; drop out." Many people who proclaimed that 30 years ago today are Wall Street bond traders and corporate lawyers.

    3. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet. Several of you said he left behind his mask. Oh, no; even off the screen, Clayton Moore would not be seen as the Lone Ranger without his mask!

    4. "When the rooster crows at the break of dawn, look out your window and I'll be gone. You're the reason I'm traveling on; Don't think twice, it's all right."

    5. The group of protesters arrested at the Democratic convention in Chicago in 1968 was known as the Chicago seven. As Paul Harvey says, "They would like me to mention their names."

    6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the Ed Sullivan Show.

    7. Some who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning their draft cards. If you said "bras," you've got the right spirit, but nobody ever burned a bra while I was watching. The "bra burning" days came as a by-product of women's liberation movement which had nothing directly to do with the Vietnam war.

    8. Dick and Jane's dog was Spot. "See Spot run." Whatever happened to them? Rumor has it they have been replaced in some school systems by "Heather Has Two Mommies."

    9. It was the VW Beetle, or more affectionately, the Bug.

    10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names the Sharks and the Jets. West Side Story.

    11. In the early sixties, the drop-out, non-conformists were known as beatniks. Maynard G. Krebs was the classic beatnik, except that he had no rhythm, man; a beard, but no beat.

    12. At the end of "The Life of Riley," Chester would turn to the camera and exclaim, "What a revolting development this is."

    13. "Get your kicks, on Route 66."

    14. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent."

    15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his martinis a special way: shaken, not stirred.

    16. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight."

    17. That "adult" book by Henry Miller was called Tropic of Cancer. Today, it would get a PG-13 rating.

    18. Back in the sixties, members of the math club used a slide rule.

    19. "The day the music died" was a reference and tribute to Buddy Holly.

    20. The matching slogan was "Let Hertz put you in the driver's seat."

    21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under a stick in a dance called the Limbo.

    22. "N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best....chooo-c'late." In the television commercial, "chocolate" was sung by a puppet - a dog. (Remember his mouth flopping open and shut?)

    23. In the late sixties, the "full figure" style gave way to the "trim" look, as first exemplified by British model Twiggy.

    24. Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was Louis Armstrong.

    25. Joe's regular visitor at the bar was Crazy Googenhiem.

    26. The Russians put the first satellite into orbit; it was called Sputnik.

    27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? A Timex watch.

    28. The large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist was called the hula-hoop.

    29. The "Age of Aquarius" was brought into the mainstream in the Broadway musical "Hair."

    30. Red Skelton's hobo character was Freddie the Freeloader. (Clem Kaddiddlehopper was the "hay seed.") Red ended his television show by saying, "Good night, and may God bless."
  11. moreluck

    moreluck Guest


    > All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to
    > > make the
    > > in-flight "safety lecture" and their other
    > > announcements a bit more
    > > entertaining. Here are some real examples that
    > > have been heard or
    > > reported:
    > >
    > > On a Continental Flight with a very "senior"
    > > flight attendant crew,
    > > the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've
    > > reached cruising
    > > altitude
    > > and will be turning down the cabin lights. This
    > > is for your comfort
    > > and to enhance the appearance of your flight
    > > attendants."
    > >
    > > On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure
    > > to take all your
    > > belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
    > > please make sure it's
    > >
    > > something we'd like to have."
    > >
    > > "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but
    > > there are only 4 ways
    > >
    > > out of this airplane."
    > >
    > > "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
    > > We hope you enjoyed
    > > giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
    > > taking you for a ride."
    > >
    > >
    > > As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
    > > Washington National,
    > > a
    > > lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa,
    > > big fella. WHOA!"
    > >
    > > After a particularly rough landing during
    > > thunderstorms in Memphis,
    > > a
    > > flight attendant on a Northwest flight
    > > announced, "Please take care
    > > when opening the overhead compartments because,
    > > after a landing like
    > >
    > > that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
    > >
    > > From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome
    > > aboard Southwest Flight
    > >
    > > XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert
    > > the metal tab into the
    > >
    > > buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
    > > every other seat belt;
    > > and, if you don't know how to operate one, you
    > > probably shouldn't be
    > >
    > > out in public unsupervised."
    > >
    > > In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
    > > pressure, masks will descend
    > > from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
    > > mask, and pull it over
    > > your
    > > face. If you have a small child traveling with
    > > you, secure your mask
    > >
    > > before assisting with theirs. If you are
    > > traveling with more than
    > > one
    > > small child pick your favorite.
    > >
    > > Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
    > > some broken clouds,
    > > but
    > > we'll> try to have them fixed before we arrive.
    > > Thank you, and
    > > remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more
    > > than Southwest
    > > Airlines."
    > >
    > > "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation;
    > > and, in the event of
    > > an
    > > emergency water landing, please paddle to shore
    > > and take them with
    > > our
    > > compliments."
    > >
    > > "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks
    > > will drop down from
    > > the
    > > overhead area. Please place the bag over your
    > > own mouth and nose
    > > before assisting children... or other adults
    > > acting like children."
    > >
    > > "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all
    > > of your belongings.
    > > Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
    > > among the flight
    > > attendants. Please do not leave children or
    > > spouses."
    > >
    > > And from the pilot during his welcome message:
    > > "Delta airlines is
    > > pleased to have some of the best flight
    > > attendants in the industry.
    > > Unfortunately, none of them are on this
    > > flight!"
    > >
    > > Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very
    > > hard landing in Salt
    > > Lake City: The flight attendant came on the
    > > intercom and said, "That
    > >
    > > was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are
    > > thinking. I'm here to
    > > tell
    > > you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't
    > > the pilot's fault, it
    > > wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was
    > > the asphalt!"
    > >
    > > Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
    > > Amarillo, Texas, on a
    > > particularly windy and bumpy day: During the
    > > final approach, the
    > > Captain was really having to fight it. After an
    > > extremely hard
    > > landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and
    > > Gentlemen, welcome
    > > to
    > > Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your
    > > seat belts fastened
    > > while the Captain taxis what's left of our
    > > airplane to the gate!"
    > >
    > > Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
    > > perfect landing: "We
    > > ask you to please remain seated as Captain
    > > Kangaroo bounces us to the
    > > terminal."
    > >
    > > An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
    > > flight he had
    > > hammered
    > > his ship into the runway really hard. The
    > > airline had a policy which
    > >
    > > required the first officer to stand at the door
    > > while the Passengers
    > >
    > > exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for
    > > flying XYZ airline." He
    > > said that, in light of his bad landing, he had
    > > a hard time looking
    > > the
    > > passengers in the eye, thinking that someone
    > > would have a smart
    > > comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except
    > > for a little old
    > > lady
    > > walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if
    > > I ask you a
    > > question?"
    > > "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
    > > The little old lady
    > > said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
    > >
    > > After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
    > > Flight Attendant
    > > came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please
    > > remain in your seats
    > > until
    > > Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the
    > > aircraft to a screeching
    > > halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke
    > > has cleared and the
    > > warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door
    > > and you can pick
    > > your
    > > way through the wreckage to the terminal."
    > >
    > > Part of a flight attendant's arrival
    > > announcement: "We'd like to
    > > thank
    > > you folks for flying with us today. And, the
    > > next time you get the
    > > insane urge to go blasting through the skies in
    > > a pressurized metal
    > > tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
    > >
    > > A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
    > > After it reached a
    > > comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made
    > > an announcement over
    > >
    > > the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is
    > > your captain speaking.
    > > Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New
    > > York to Los Angeles.
    > > The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we
    > > should have a smooth
    > > and
    > > uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH,
    > > MY GOD!"
    > > Silence followed and after a few minutes, the
    > > captain came back on
    > > the
    > > intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
    > > so sorry if I scared
    > > you earlier; but, while I was talking, the
    > > flight attendant brought
    > > me
    > > a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in
    > > my lap. You should see
    > >
    > > the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach
    > > said, "That's nothing.
    > > He
    > > should see the back of mine!
  12. robonono

    robonono Guest


    The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

    Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.


    The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

    Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate are cold and starving.

    CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

    America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

    Kermit, the Frog, appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."

    Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome." He demands a meeting with corporate CEO's of firms manufacturing building supplies or producing food stuffs to offer to negotiate just compensation for all green insects that have been discriminated against, and "have not been given their fair share of what should be theirs, without question!"

    Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

    Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

    Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients and heavy contributors to his presidential library. The ant loses the case.

    The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

    The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

    Editors note: This is, of course, all fiction. Any similarity to real names, places, or people is purely coincidental.
  13. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    Things that make you go hmmmmmmmm.
    > How come wrong numbers are never busy?
    > Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
    > Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
    > Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
    > Does killing time damage eternity?
    > Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
    > Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
    > Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
    > Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
    > the volume on the radio?
    > Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
    > with real lemons?
    > Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
    > Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
    > Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
    > Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
    > Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
    > Do pilots take crash-courses?
    > Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
    > Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just
    > whipped out a quarter?
    > Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
    > Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
    > How can there be self-help "groups?"
    > How do you get off a non-stop flight?
    > How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
    > How many weeks are there in a light year?
    > If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
    > If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
    > If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
    > If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
    > If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl
    > Scout cookies made out of?
    > If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
    > If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way
    > do?
    > If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
    > If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
    > If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
    > If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
    > become disoriented?
    > Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running
  14. moreluck

    moreluck Guest


    > "Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
    > believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
    > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    > An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
    > to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed
    > with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
    > artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and
    > mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?"
    > "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
    > spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some
    > work done."
    > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    > An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
    > said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over,
    > picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and
    > said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will
    > with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket,
    > at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss
    > and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you
    > want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
    > into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told
    > I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do
    > you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an
    engineer. I
    > don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog...... that's cool."
  15. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    > Moses's Clothes - A Parable
    > > > >
    > > > > Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon finally sits down
    > > > > with Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat to try to work
    > > > > out an agreement.
    > > > >
    > > > > Sharon asks if he might first tell a story. Arafat
    > > > > tells him to go ahead.
    > > > >
    > > > > "When Moses was in the desert for 40 years," Sharon
    > > > > begins, "the Jews got very thirsty and Moses sked the
    > > > > Lord for water and there appeared a beautiful lake.
    > > > > The Jews first drank and then bathed themselves. Moses did the same
    > but
    > > > > when he came out of the water his clothes were gone. Moses shouted:
    > > > > Where are my clothes? Someone answered: The Palestinians took
    > > > >
    > > > > Arafat quickly interjected: "There were no Palestinians at that
    > time!"
    > > > >
    > > > > "Now," Sharon replied, "we can start negotiations."
    > > > >
    > > > >
    > >
  16. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    > A senior woman is on a cruise ship and wanders up to the bar
    > and asks for a scotch with two drops of water.
    > As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to
    > celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
    > The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a
    > drink.
    > In fact, this one is on me."
    > As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I
    > would like to buy you a drink too."
    > The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch
    > with two drops of water. "Coming up," says the bartender.
    > As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would
    > like to buy you one too.
    > Again, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch
    > with two drops of water."
    > "Comin' right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink
    > he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch with
    > only two drops of water?"
    > The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age,
    > you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however,
    > is a whole other issue."
  17. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    Some smiles for the day - Out of the mouths of babes!

    ** I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

    ** My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

    ** On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions
    expressed by this child are not necessarily those of! his parents."

    ** A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added., "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

    ** I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods."

    ** A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it have to be a secret?"

    ** When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."

    ** A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter --haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
  18. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    Forgive Your Enemies...

    In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his
    subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their
    enemies. About half held up their hands.

    Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes
    and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still
    unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his
    question. All responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
    "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

    "I don't have any."

    "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"


    "Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a
    lady can live to be ninety-six and not have an enemy in the world."

    The old lady teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the
    congregation, and blurted out, "I outlived the Sons of B**ches!"
  19. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    > A guy goes into the store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish
    > sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish"?
    > The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you, if I
    > had asked for Italian sausage would you have ask me if I was Italian?
    > Or--if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German?
    > Or--if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would
    > The clerk says, "Well, maybe not."
    > With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then,
    > why on earth did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish
    > sausage?"
    > The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store.
  20. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    An American....

    We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

    We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

    We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

    Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

    We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner."

    We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

    We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

    We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

    In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

    We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwich.

    We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

    We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.

    We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

    We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
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