Jokes

Discussion in 'Lighten UPS' started by DS, Apr 16, 2013.

  1. DS

    DS Fenderbender

    What do you call a short Mexican? A paragraph,
    cause he's too short to be an Esse...

    A mushroom walks into a bar.The bartender says,
    I'm sorry ,I can't serve you.The mushroom replies,
    why not,I'm a fun guy.
     
  2. Don't quit your job as a Mod!!!! EY
     
  3. DS

    DS Fenderbender

    it's eh not ey...yea sorry ,lol
     
  4. Operational needs

    Operational needs Well-Known Member

    Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.


    When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.


    The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."


    "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son.


    "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning,
    I'll put the money under the pillow."


    Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.


    He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.


    "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!" ;)
     
  5. Operational needs

    Operational needs Well-Known Member

    A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
    He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
    He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
    While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
    “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
    I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”


    She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
     
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  6. Operational needs

    Operational needs Well-Known Member

    A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.


    The woman perked up and said, ...'How about that?... I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'


    'What a coincidence' the farmer said.... 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating.'


    This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'


    'What a coincidence!' said the farmer... As they clinked glasses he added,... 'What are you celebrating?'


    'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'


    'What a coincidence!' said the man.... 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'


    'That's great!' said the woman.... 'How did your chickens become fertile?'


    'I used a different cock,' he replied.


    The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said...... 'What a coincidence!'
     
  7. Operational needs

    Operational needs Well-Known Member

    PECANS IN THE CEMETERY


    On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
    ...
    'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.


    Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'


    He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.


    'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'


    The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.


    Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'


    The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?


    Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.


    At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all...Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...?


    They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
     
  8. Upsmule

    Upsmule Well-Known Member

    A little old lady who lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex". She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two, and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
     
  9. Operational needs

    Operational needs Well-Known Member

    double post.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2013
  10. Operational needs

    Operational needs Well-Known Member

    A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

    'Fred,' he replies.

    'Fred what?' the officer asks.

    'Just Fred,' the man responds.

    The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

    The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

    When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

    Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
    Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

    Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

    Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

    Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
     
  11. serenity now

    serenity now Guest

    A boy and his father are out for a walk when they see 2 dogs getting busy.
    The boy asks "What are they doing?"
    Thinking quickly, the father replies " The dog on top has a hurt leg, and the one on the bottom is helping him get home."
    Boy says " That's life, you try to help someone and end up getting screwed!"
     
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  12. 804brown

    804brown Well-Known Member

    Totally inappropriate, yet funny play on words. For the ladies I apologize. Remember this is just a joke.What do you call a female bishop?? ...........................................A bitchop
     
  13. moreluck

    moreluck golden ticket member

    No apologies necessary........It's not funny !!!
     
  14. UpstateNYUPSer

    UpstateNYUPSer Very proud grandfather.

    Not funny at all.
     
  15. curiousbrain

    curiousbrain Well-Known Member

    This reminds me of a story.

    I was at the diner one night with my brother, many years ago. The waitress was taking our order, and asked me "soup or salad", and in all honestly, I asked "What is a supersalad?"

    Because it was so genuine at the moment, we all died laughing. Not too funny as a story, but ... hey, not every post can be a head scratcher.

    On a side note, good ice breaker; ended up dating that waitress for a year or two.
     
  16. moreluck

    moreluck golden ticket member

    We call this story a "location joke". You had to be there..........
     
  17. Operational needs

    Operational needs Well-Known Member

    My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 22-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset—I shall be home before midnight.

    When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

    My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 22 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 22 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 22. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
     
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  18. Operational needs

    Operational needs Well-Known Member

    Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly."MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army
     
  19. Operational needs

    Operational needs Well-Known Member

    Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."
    The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother.
    The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."
    But this time the little girl just keeps on playing.
    "How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny.
    "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."
     
  20. moreluck

    moreluck golden ticket member

    The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"

    Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"

    The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"

    Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

    The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."

    Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."