I don't know. I never tried. Can you get copies of text messages on a phone you that billed to you?
lessons in life
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I don't know. I never tried. Can you get copies of text messages on a phone you that billed to you?
1 stop at a time
Member
His room has been rifled through over the years.
One computer in the house in the kitchen area and the cellphone has been shut off
A stay at home mom
As parents, I thought we did a pretty good job
maybe not
moreluck
golden ticket member
I would think there would be no driving 'til there's insurance on the vehicle. If he can't pay for ins., then he can't drive..........that's the ADULT way!! At 18, he can get ins. all alone and stand in line by himself.. Is it against the law to drive without ins. in your state? It is here.
I would be handing him a bus schedule or train schedule for now.
I would be handing him a bus schedule or train schedule for now.
1 stop at a time
Member
OK, lets try this again, short version
1)He is 18
2)He left home
3)He has no insurance
The operative word here is HE.
I can safely say you did a good job with the little you have told us. Almost everyone falls into the trap thinking they way their kids turns out has so much to do with their parents raising them. I know too many families with multiple kids, I look at them and many times the kids couldn't be more different from one another. You could have one being seemingly perfect and another a true hellion. They were raised under the same roof! That tells me each person has their own will and personality. As parents we beat ourselves up relentlessly over this.
Each of us, are we really who we are because of our own convictions and feelings or are we what someone else thinks they can mold us into? I think you can mold a bit but the persons true being, is ultimately much stronger.
washington57
Well-Known Member
I can't agree with any of these tough love crap responses.
Drugs? Why is that what everyone just jumps to as being the root of the problem? If it is just weed then, no drugs aren't the kids problem. And even if he tested positive for any number of other drugs, unless he was being violent, stealing, losing his job due to them then whatever. Alcohol and cigs are just as bad as much illegal drugs.
He is probably lashing out because he is frustrated at the world. Even "responsible" kids get angry at their parents. Boo freakin hoo, what he needs is you guys to support him. So what if he blew up at you, he is your son. You lose respect for your son? He is 18 and doesn't know anything, GET OVER IT AND BE A GOOD FATHER. Stop making this about you and your wife. If you try to give him tough love crap then you WILL lose your son. ( Personally I left home at 18 to make my own way without my parents help because I couldn't live by their house rules, it was my decision and my parents were angry at me for a few years, eventually we got to have a good relationship that lasts to this day)
The above may be a little harsh, but basically this is being blown way out of proportion.
Drugs? Why is that what everyone just jumps to as being the root of the problem? If it is just weed then, no drugs aren't the kids problem. And even if he tested positive for any number of other drugs, unless he was being violent, stealing, losing his job due to them then whatever. Alcohol and cigs are just as bad as much illegal drugs.
He is probably lashing out because he is frustrated at the world. Even "responsible" kids get angry at their parents. Boo freakin hoo, what he needs is you guys to support him. So what if he blew up at you, he is your son. You lose respect for your son? He is 18 and doesn't know anything, GET OVER IT AND BE A GOOD FATHER. Stop making this about you and your wife. If you try to give him tough love crap then you WILL lose your son. ( Personally I left home at 18 to make my own way without my parents help because I couldn't live by their house rules, it was my decision and my parents were angry at me for a few years, eventually we got to have a good relationship that lasts to this day)
The above may be a little harsh, but basically this is being blown way out of proportion.
menotyou
bella amicizia
Don't do this to yourself. He is going through an extremely tough time. He is hormonal, scared, and probably, very ashamed. It is him, though. Your wife and you did a great job, I'm sure. I rebelled when I was his age. It took me a while to grow up, but I did. I got the job at UPS on my own and after years of being part-time on preload, I became a driver. I hated my parents for being so strict. Now, I am forever grateful. I love my parents more that I can express. They are beautiful people. They love me so very much. He will come around in time. Just make sure to remember he is a kid in adult clothing, so to say. Time will fix this. Just love him no matter what, and it will all fix itself. You are doing the right thing. Just remember that. Good luck.
UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
Washington, I suspected drug use as his behavior was out of character.
I would never condone either of my two children disrespecting their mother in that way.
My son had some issues after graduating high school, to include being asked not to return to college, some legal issues and substance abuse. He has since graduated from community college and made the Dean's List this past semester at a local state college.
I would never condone either of my two children disrespecting their mother in that way.
My son had some issues after graduating high school, to include being asked not to return to college, some legal issues and substance abuse. He has since graduated from community college and made the Dean's List this past semester at a local state college.
Indecisi0n
Well-Known Member
Coming from an Italian house hold I was always allowed to use the friend-word in general conversation. If i ever used it in a negative manner towards my mother she would have beat the !#$!@#$ out of me.
bluehdmc
Well-Known Member
I too have to agree there may be some drug use, that's usually the case when the Grade "A" student becomes the monster. Once I heard someone say, "A child of 8 thinks his Father knows everything. When he's 18 he wonders how the "old man" survived. When he's 28 he thinks his Father know everything."
Kinda been there, done that. My son is now 31 and he actually asks me for advice and we can have a civil conversation, but 10 - 12 yrs ago it was a different story. I'm sure having to pay his own way and bail himself out of his own jams has had something to do with it.
As far as the legal issue, he's 18 and probably has to bear the brunt of that responsibilty also. Good luck, things will work out for the best.
Kinda been there, done that. My son is now 31 and he actually asks me for advice and we can have a civil conversation, but 10 - 12 yrs ago it was a different story. I'm sure having to pay his own way and bail himself out of his own jams has had something to do with it.
As far as the legal issue, he's 18 and probably has to bear the brunt of that responsibilty also. Good luck, things will work out for the best.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Then, it's fully his problem and not yours.
menotyou
bella amicizia
You can't throw him out with the bath water. He is 18. That is a terrible age. So many changes. It is very hard.
I highly doubt the kid is proud of how he treated his mother. His ego is getting the better of him right now. He will come around. Just give it time. I think ages 16- 25 are the hardest to get through.
tracker2762
Well-Known Member
To not think that drugs are involved would be plain irresponsible. That's great that this is not a problem. I would not wish this on anyone child. I too was not worried about the experimental marijuana use, that is until it went to cough syrup, oxycontin, vicodin and finally heroin. This is why to I mention to start here first.
brownmonster
Man of Great Wisdom
He raged because he had to take his precious time to do one little chore. I have 3 of those. I call them spoiled brats.
raceanoncr
Well-Known Member
1 Stop, I'll add my little piece of, mostly worthless, slice o life here.
So very sorry for your situation. It is heartbreaking, to say the least. There are so many things tearing young ones apart these days, it's difficult to know what to do but I think you and your wife are on the right track.
He is 18. OK, in THIS state, he is an adult. He doesn't pay ins, he gets caught driving w/o ins, he's ticketed and fined pretty big time for this age. Again, I say, HERE. He crashes w/o ins HE pays! Not you. Now, it may be that you are co-signers on the loan, well, then, YOU may be the ones that the legal system goes after, ins or not. Be careful. If he continues with this childish tirade, you may want to get your name off ANY loans or documents he has so you are not targeted.
I told my son, legal age or not, YOU screw up, YOU pay for it. I'm not bailing you outta jail or financial abyss that is your wreckless doing. YOU pay, either by sitting in jail or working to pay off whatever you screwed up.
As far as still living at home, and I know this does not apply here in your case anymore since he's gone, there are things a parent can do without "evicting" them. Many, so-called, therapists suggest that you can take measures at home that WILL make them think and are totally legal. Such as: only providing a mattress, change of clothes and food. THEY want to call Child Protective Services? Let em. The law does not say you hafta provide TV, computer, Ipod, games, etc, etc.
They are of legal age and still want to live at home? Well, sure! Same rules apply. Pay rent, contribute to support of the house, do chores, etc, or you are out! Evicted? Legally? No.
Sorry if you or anyone else do not agree but these are my feelings. I just don't put up with any chit after I supported you for 18 yrs.
Good luck and keep up the good fight.
Race
So very sorry for your situation. It is heartbreaking, to say the least. There are so many things tearing young ones apart these days, it's difficult to know what to do but I think you and your wife are on the right track.
He is 18. OK, in THIS state, he is an adult. He doesn't pay ins, he gets caught driving w/o ins, he's ticketed and fined pretty big time for this age. Again, I say, HERE. He crashes w/o ins HE pays! Not you. Now, it may be that you are co-signers on the loan, well, then, YOU may be the ones that the legal system goes after, ins or not. Be careful. If he continues with this childish tirade, you may want to get your name off ANY loans or documents he has so you are not targeted.
I told my son, legal age or not, YOU screw up, YOU pay for it. I'm not bailing you outta jail or financial abyss that is your wreckless doing. YOU pay, either by sitting in jail or working to pay off whatever you screwed up.
As far as still living at home, and I know this does not apply here in your case anymore since he's gone, there are things a parent can do without "evicting" them. Many, so-called, therapists suggest that you can take measures at home that WILL make them think and are totally legal. Such as: only providing a mattress, change of clothes and food. THEY want to call Child Protective Services? Let em. The law does not say you hafta provide TV, computer, Ipod, games, etc, etc.
They are of legal age and still want to live at home? Well, sure! Same rules apply. Pay rent, contribute to support of the house, do chores, etc, or you are out! Evicted? Legally? No.
Sorry if you or anyone else do not agree but these are my feelings. I just don't put up with any chit after I supported you for 18 yrs.
Good luck and keep up the good fight.
Race
If my experiences can help others... (And thanks to the OP, this helps me to, it reminds me to take the time to re-asses my situation as well)
I myself have a 19 year old and we don't talk much, he's very focused on what he does, good and bad. I will talk to him when he wants to be talked to. He holds a part time and goes to college, I pretty certain he doesn't do drugs, he's drank very little alcohol and I don't believe he drinks at all at this time. Overall he's well ahead of where I was at 19 (I had a full time that lasted 13 years but I partied every-night, lived the saying was work hard, play hard). My wife talks to him more but she would love for him to be a social butterfly. I have to let her know how I was, how a lot of males are at this point in their lives. I feel I'm very ok giving him the room he thinks he needs and monitor him from 10,000 feet the overall path he's going down. He doesn't really raise his voice, that said an outburst from him would not foster a nuclear showdown with us. Conclusion today for him - Satisfactory.
I have a 9th grader, in 5th and 6th grade he was very hard to deal with, nearly impossible. He had a real temper, had things going on upstairs, threatened suicide, couldn't focus. Instead of going with the 70's response, "he's a kid growing up" and leave it at that, today we have to take him to specialists. What is wrong with him? Obviously something is wrong with him! Medicate. Consoling. I was always about 50-50 at best in the support of that effort, the wife drove this. In 6th grade we pulled him out of school to home school, that was just a wee better at that time, his focus was just so short then. He went back to public in the 7th grade and there was a huge change, since then he just gets better and better, what do I attribute this to? The 70's response, "he's a kid growing up", parent over-reaction. Now in 9th, his anger is way way down, he always was very loving for a boy when he is in a calm state. He is the kid that speaks back to his parents, just tells me I have more work to do. Conclusion today for him - Steady Improvement.
These kids are their own people, I work on molding to make sure they aren't jerks and exhibit good values to outsiders. I don't believe in the Black and White Book of Raising Children at all and believe way more in a natural understanding of things. When they are jerks to me, I treat that as schools in session, they are failing and need some advice. I don't take it to personal, as when I did it to my folks it wasn't really personal to them, it was personal failure in me, I didn't want to be bothered on their schedule. Ultimately I felt bad some time after my outbursts, not always going back and apologizing either, but I knew. That "I knew" to me was the key growing out of it.
So my goal is to raise nice people. I figure in their mid to late 20's I can get a fairly final grade. Their greed will drive how financially successful they will need to be. So I let my 19 year old have all that room he needs, he's meeting his responsibilities and we are still working on him being a nice person to outsiders, he's too short and direct. We pick and choose our spots, we have 6 or so years left. The young'n is too early to tell, personal hygiene would be nice! Raising is just as much a test for the parents patience and understanding. I want the kid to walk away from the problem, calmer if possible and hopefully something for them to think about. What happened? And how to make it better? Not just me telling them straight up Step 1, this. Step 2, that. IMO they have to get it for themselves for it to stick. I didn't have perfect angles and I'm no beacon of perfection myself.
To the OP: If they are raging on me, then they aren't ready for 100% outsiders. This is not the time to throw the towel in and them out. The cheese isn't ready! That said it's a two way street and if they are set in staying out, then you make a plan for that scenario to work and for them to grow.
The day I had my first child, was the day I really knew I had an Achilles heal.
I myself have a 19 year old and we don't talk much, he's very focused on what he does, good and bad. I will talk to him when he wants to be talked to. He holds a part time and goes to college, I pretty certain he doesn't do drugs, he's drank very little alcohol and I don't believe he drinks at all at this time. Overall he's well ahead of where I was at 19 (I had a full time that lasted 13 years but I partied every-night, lived the saying was work hard, play hard). My wife talks to him more but she would love for him to be a social butterfly. I have to let her know how I was, how a lot of males are at this point in their lives. I feel I'm very ok giving him the room he thinks he needs and monitor him from 10,000 feet the overall path he's going down. He doesn't really raise his voice, that said an outburst from him would not foster a nuclear showdown with us. Conclusion today for him - Satisfactory.
I have a 9th grader, in 5th and 6th grade he was very hard to deal with, nearly impossible. He had a real temper, had things going on upstairs, threatened suicide, couldn't focus. Instead of going with the 70's response, "he's a kid growing up" and leave it at that, today we have to take him to specialists. What is wrong with him? Obviously something is wrong with him! Medicate. Consoling. I was always about 50-50 at best in the support of that effort, the wife drove this. In 6th grade we pulled him out of school to home school, that was just a wee better at that time, his focus was just so short then. He went back to public in the 7th grade and there was a huge change, since then he just gets better and better, what do I attribute this to? The 70's response, "he's a kid growing up", parent over-reaction. Now in 9th, his anger is way way down, he always was very loving for a boy when he is in a calm state. He is the kid that speaks back to his parents, just tells me I have more work to do. Conclusion today for him - Steady Improvement.
These kids are their own people, I work on molding to make sure they aren't jerks and exhibit good values to outsiders. I don't believe in the Black and White Book of Raising Children at all and believe way more in a natural understanding of things. When they are jerks to me, I treat that as schools in session, they are failing and need some advice. I don't take it to personal, as when I did it to my folks it wasn't really personal to them, it was personal failure in me, I didn't want to be bothered on their schedule. Ultimately I felt bad some time after my outbursts, not always going back and apologizing either, but I knew. That "I knew" to me was the key growing out of it.
So my goal is to raise nice people. I figure in their mid to late 20's I can get a fairly final grade. Their greed will drive how financially successful they will need to be. So I let my 19 year old have all that room he needs, he's meeting his responsibilities and we are still working on him being a nice person to outsiders, he's too short and direct. We pick and choose our spots, we have 6 or so years left. The young'n is too early to tell, personal hygiene would be nice! Raising is just as much a test for the parents patience and understanding. I want the kid to walk away from the problem, calmer if possible and hopefully something for them to think about. What happened? And how to make it better? Not just me telling them straight up Step 1, this. Step 2, that. IMO they have to get it for themselves for it to stick. I didn't have perfect angles and I'm no beacon of perfection myself.
To the OP: If they are raging on me, then they aren't ready for 100% outsiders. This is not the time to throw the towel in and them out. The cheese isn't ready! That said it's a two way street and if they are set in staying out, then you make a plan for that scenario to work and for them to grow.
The day I had my first child, was the day I really knew I had an Achilles heal.
Which most of us are. The only way around that is to abuse them in a sense. Where there is running water, they need to pump for it. When there is a TV on, turn it off and give them a paper. Where there is a working toilet, they need to use the out-house. Where they want the new look, you give them a pair of over-all's. Things of that nature. We have to kid ourselves that modern conviences don't exist, to prove some type of old-shool lessons to our children. Does that work with them all? I doubt any one thing works with anyone. In terms of spoiled, if they want material things in life, I make them understand how much they will need to work for it. If you can work for it, then you can be as spoiled as you wanna be. If they are satisfied as 20 somethings what dad can offer, then they have some mighty low expectations! lol
So why do you have children? (General to everyone, no need to answer). My answer is only to love them. I don't raise them for the country or the system. That doesn't mean they won't help either, but I had them for my enjoyment and my love, nothing else. Or do you look at it... Well I need 4 children so the pyramid scheme known as an economy will conitnue to grow, so my pension can be paid. My children are for my support later in life. Perhaps some do, perhaps I should. I just never wanted to be that tied into money.
UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
That's what I used to say until the morning that I found myself at the ATM taking a cash advance off of my credit card before heading off to the county jail. Or the time that I paid the bill for a trashed dorm room. The bail was repaid after the court appearance and the dorm room bill was paid with his tax refund.
washington57
Well-Known Member
I do agree with you that disrespecting your mother that way is wrong and should apologize, but he is 18 and just because of that you need to cut him a lot of slack IMO.
Good for your son, if it makes you feel better, 18-21 is a turbulent time and the situation you describes happens pretty often.
