MrFedEx
Engorged Member
Dear Team Members,
Ho, Ho, Ho!! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from Paris!! Yes, the Thornton family and I have joined the Bronczeks' for Christmas in the City of Lights!! Wish you could be here with us, but you need to buckle-down and make me some more money.
Now, we need to talk about my Holiday Pace Program (HPP). Simply put, Holiday Pace is an additional 25% higher level of SPH than your regular "sense of urgency" pace. In other words, you need to work 25% harder and faster than usual. That means it's OK to work through breaks off the clock and to come in early (also off the clock) in order to accomplish the mission of 100% delighted customers. Speeding and looking at your PowerPad while driving is strictly forbidden (LOL), even though we actually want you to do this to enhance productivity. You see, we've calculated the collateral damage losses of dead pedestrians and injured or maimed couriers and have figured we can still make more money even after settling a few huge lawsuits. And employees say "we don't care"?
Just so you know, the Uncle Matt you're seeing right now on company videos is actually a holographic image!! Yes, Fred, Dave, and I all have holographic doubles now created by teams from Pixar, DreamWorks, and Disney. It cost $60M, but has it ever been worth it! Our doubles have already survived several knife and bottle attacks and Mr. Smith's took 3 bullets in an attempted assassination. Plus, it allows us to be other places (like France, for example) when we're pretending to be in that shathole Memphis.
Oh, they just turned on the lights at the Eiffel Tower!! It's magnificent! We'll be jetting back to the US after the first week of January aboard Happy Hands II, my new Gulfstream with the range to reach Europe from Chi...err..Memphis. Fred said I had done such a great job that I deserved a newer Gulfstream and you know what...I agree!!
So, anyway. You mothers had better buckle-down and get busy with my new HPP initiative or else!! We don't want any bad press like last year and besides, I know how lazy you all really are, stealing from Mr. Smith by not giving your all, every single minute of the day.
Enjoy your "holiday", while my family and I explore the wonders of Paris. Give my hologram a big holiday hug, OK? I'm with you in-spirit.
Love You,
MT3
P.S. Dano is here too, with the rest of the Station 1 team.
Ho, Ho, Ho!! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from Paris!! Yes, the Thornton family and I have joined the Bronczeks' for Christmas in the City of Lights!! Wish you could be here with us, but you need to buckle-down and make me some more money.
Now, we need to talk about my Holiday Pace Program (HPP). Simply put, Holiday Pace is an additional 25% higher level of SPH than your regular "sense of urgency" pace. In other words, you need to work 25% harder and faster than usual. That means it's OK to work through breaks off the clock and to come in early (also off the clock) in order to accomplish the mission of 100% delighted customers. Speeding and looking at your PowerPad while driving is strictly forbidden (LOL), even though we actually want you to do this to enhance productivity. You see, we've calculated the collateral damage losses of dead pedestrians and injured or maimed couriers and have figured we can still make more money even after settling a few huge lawsuits. And employees say "we don't care"?
Just so you know, the Uncle Matt you're seeing right now on company videos is actually a holographic image!! Yes, Fred, Dave, and I all have holographic doubles now created by teams from Pixar, DreamWorks, and Disney. It cost $60M, but has it ever been worth it! Our doubles have already survived several knife and bottle attacks and Mr. Smith's took 3 bullets in an attempted assassination. Plus, it allows us to be other places (like France, for example) when we're pretending to be in that shathole Memphis.
Oh, they just turned on the lights at the Eiffel Tower!! It's magnificent! We'll be jetting back to the US after the first week of January aboard Happy Hands II, my new Gulfstream with the range to reach Europe from Chi...err..Memphis. Fred said I had done such a great job that I deserved a newer Gulfstream and you know what...I agree!!
So, anyway. You mothers had better buckle-down and get busy with my new HPP initiative or else!! We don't want any bad press like last year and besides, I know how lazy you all really are, stealing from Mr. Smith by not giving your all, every single minute of the day.
Enjoy your "holiday", while my family and I explore the wonders of Paris. Give my hologram a big holiday hug, OK? I'm with you in-spirit.
Love You,
MT3
P.S. Dano is here too, with the rest of the Station 1 team.
