One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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-------------------------------I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Among Us!

 

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How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

 

[watdaflock?]

Do you know why the leprosy hockey game was called?

a face-off in the corner.

 

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A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
~Greg Davies~ comedian

 

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England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

 

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I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, "OK,folks, we're gonna be taking off in just a few - whoa! Here we go.
~Kevin Nealon

 

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Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
~Dennis Miller~

 

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I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

 

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Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

 

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A US Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville, FL.
He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the sh** out of a flag burner and an Obama supporter."
The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."

 

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“Proper punctuation can make the difference between a sentence that's well-written and a sentence that's, well, written.”

 

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A young Irish man goes to a chemist and says to the pharmacist: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them rubbers gonna cost me?"
The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is £4.99 including tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked Irish man says. "Don't they stay on by themselves?"

 

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What do you call a dog magician ?

A Labracadabrador.

 

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A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

 

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