One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

 

[moreluck]

The patient sat there looking ill and asked, "Flu?"
The doctor replied, "No, I came on my bicycle actually!"

 

[moreluck]

Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A chalkboard.

 

[moreluck]

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny thought for a few seconds and said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

 

[moreluck]

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'

'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'

Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'

 

[moreluck]

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

 

[Future]

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

@upschuck ?

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names.

 

[moreluck]

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

-Paula Poundstone-

 

[moreluck]

New and Improved Names 
for Boring Everyday Things


• Couch = People Shelf

• Books = Manual Films

• Bracelets = Clockless Watches

• Air Horn = Spray Scream

• Bottled Water = Snowman Blood

• Feather = Bird Leaf

From sliptalk.com

 

[moreluck]

“The punctual zombie was undead on time.”

 

[moreluck]

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

 

[moreluck]

An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"

"Only you, Darling,” the man replied proudly. “With all the others I was awake."

 

[moreluck]

Q. Where can you find a dog with no legs?
A. Where you left him

 

[moreluck]

"Man storms into a bar with his gun drawn. He screams"who slept with my wife!" Bartender laughs and says, "you don't have enough bullets”.”

 

[moreluck]

The phone rings and the wife answers. A pervert, with heavy breathing says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair!"
The wife says, "I do. He's watching T.V. Who shall I ask is calling?"

 

[moreluck]

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

 

[moreluck]

“The key to job searching is looking inside yourself. It's all about the inner view.”

 

[moreluck]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of gas," the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed, "What did you put in my gas tank?"
"BP."