One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

moreluck

golden ticket member
God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth."
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
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moreluck

golden ticket member
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around, and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
“Did you hear the one about the woman who threw her toaster away because it kept burning the bread? She was black toast intolerant.”
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes, and I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym, "I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine should I use?"
The trainer replied...
"Use the ATM machine outside the gym!"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked,
"How many times?".
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says, "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
After Johnny died, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?" "Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing people outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring." Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?" "Uh, about 5 minutes ago."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A couple of tourists were dining at a fine restaurant in Paris. After waiting for an hour, the husband finally was able to catch the waiter's eye. "I want a bottle of your best wine," he ordered.
"What year?" asked the waiter.
"Right now!" bellowed the tourist.
 
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