One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

Conundrums : The six contradictions of socialism in the UnitedStates of America:



1. America is capitalist and greedy - yet half of the population issubsidized.


2. Half of the population is subsidized - yet they think they are victims.


3. They think they are victims - yet their representatives run thegovernment


4. Their representatives run the government - yet the poor keep getting poorer.
5. The poor keep getting poorer - yet they have things that peoplein other
countries only dream about.

6. They have things that people in other countries only dreamabout - yet
they want America to be more like those other countries.

And that, my friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21stCentury.

 

[moreluck]

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"

 

[moreluck]

Doesn't It Follow...


If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed (and eventually disfigured) and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bed makers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. As a student, I spent all my time wishing to be detested and degraded.

On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

 

[moreluck]

Children's Books That Didn't Make the Cut........


*You Are Different and That's Bad

*Dad's New Wife Robert

*Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

*Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

*The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

*Some Kittens Can Fly

*The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

*The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

*Strangers Have the Best Candy

 

[moreluck]

Tongue Twisters....


Randy wondered why Willie really wasn't well.

Sam saw six shiny silver spoons.

Giddy gophers greedily gobble gooey goodies.

Slippery slimy snakes slide slowly.

Six shiny snails sighed sadly.

 

[IVE GOTTA PACKAGE 4U]

Tongue Twisters....


Randy wondered why Willie really wasn't well.

Sam saw six shiny silver spoons.

Giddy gophers greedily gobble gooey goodies.

Slippery slimy snakes slide slowly.

Six shiny snails sighed sadly.

The first one Is a tongue twister, ill try it again later, after I have a few beers!

 

[bleedinbrown58]

The first one Is a tongue twister, ill try it again later, after I have a few beers!

Sure, that'll help.....Wandy rondered rhy Willie weally wasn't well...lmao.

 

[moreluck]

Tongue Twisters....


Pretty Patty Piggy pickles plump pink peppers.

Cheryl say Cher's sheer shawl Sunday.

Six seals slick sick seals.

How much dope could the dope dealer deal if the dope dealer could deal dope?

 

[moreluck]

Witticisms



-------The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

 

[moreluck]

SIGNS YOU'RE IN A BAD HOSPITAL..


You go in for routine surgery, you come out with a tail.

You recognize your doctor as kid who was mopping the lobby when you checked in.

Instead of sponge bath, they send St. Bernard to lick you.

As you're going under, your surgeon says, "Man, am I tired!"

In the operating room, you see a surgeon holding a sign that says, "WILL DO SURGERY FOR FOOD!"

Every couple of minutes, you hear a bugle playing Taps.

All the diplomas on the wall are signed by Sally Struthers.

You and your roommate have to take turns on the I.V.

Through fog of anesthesia, you hear surgeon shouting, "Bring the damn Scotch tape! And plenty of it!"

Instead of "patient," they use the term "plaintiff."

 

[moreluck]

Try saying these 10 times fast...

Caution Golfers Crossing
Sun Shine City
Toy Boat
Unique New York
Mixed Biscuits
Red Leather, Yellow Leather
Ship Shape heads

 

[moreluck]

New Patient...


When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. “I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”

“Of course.” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth...”

 

[moreluck]

Tongue Twisters.....

Sheep shouldn't sleep in shacks.
I slitted a sheet, a sheet I slit now I sit on the sheet I slit.

I wish I had an Irish wrist watch to watch on my Irish wrist.

Stick a sticker where its sticky where a sticker once was stuck.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

Sure, the ship's ship-shape sir!

Does the wristwatch shop shut soon?

 

[moreluck]

"A Pennsylvania man was convicted for groping Minnie Mouse at Disney World. He apologized and claimed he was just being goofy." (Pedro Bartes)

"At an Oregon A.T.M. machine a mouse had built a nest out of $20 bills. This may not be a bad thing - the last time a mouse built a nest out of money it was called Disneyland." (Doug Austen)

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Witticisms....


Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

 

[oldngray]

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

.. that sounds like a good signature line.

 

[IVE GOTTA PACKAGE 4U]

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

.. that sounds like a good signature line.

My favorite breakfast!

 

[bleedinbrown58]

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

.. that sounds like a good signature line.

Beer...it's what's for dinner.

 

[moreluck]

Exercises We'd Be Better Off Without ....


Jumping on the bandwagon

Wading through paperwork

Running around in circles

Pushing your luck

Spinning your wheels

Adding fuel to the fire

Beating your head against the wall

Climbing the walls

Beating your own drum

Dragging your heels

Jumping to conclusions

Grasping at straws

Fishing for compliments
Throwing your weight around
Passing the buck