One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

moreluck

golden ticket member
"And will there be anything else, sir ?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.
"Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
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I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
Bev
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.

Q: What do blondes do with their :censored2:s in the morning ?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.

.Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilized.

Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex ?
A: Kick open the car door.

Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Signs Seen Near Church

The following are actual signs found on church property.

"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
“When notes get in treble, bass-ically they get put behind bars. The alto-nate punishment is to push them off a clef and hope they land flat on sharp objects.”
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Any wire cut to length will be too short.

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.

Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.

Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator. - Claude Shouse

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.

Anything in parentheses can be ignored.

Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.
 

Catatonic

Nine Lives
One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the UPS man comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild." "Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?" "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded. "Your name came up seven times..."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her

"Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"

Without skipping a beat she screams

"Yes!"

The man then asks

"What about for $20?"

She looks at him sideways and says

"What do you think I am, a whore?"

The man says

"We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
~Stephen Wright~
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Classified....

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.
Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her damn appendix out!"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother.
She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail."
 
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