One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

moreluck

golden ticket member
Mr Jones had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.
Mr. Jones scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
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moreluck

golden ticket member
Insults:

Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
Traveling without a passport.
Trips over cordless phones.
Truck can't haul a full load.
Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
Two bits shy of a word/dollar.
Two chapters short of a novel.
Two degrees off square.
Two inches taller than spherical.
Two saucers short of a tea-service.
Two sheep short of a sweater.
Two socks short of a pair.
Two suits short of a full deck. (A half-wit.)
Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged in.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'

The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "Isn'€™t there anything I can do?", pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based
Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to reception, she hammers on the bell.

‘Yes,’ says the receptionist irritably.

‘Excuse me,’ says the woman, ‘but I’m in a frightful hurry, could you check me out, please?’

The clerk stares at her, looks her up and down.’Not bad,’ he smiles, ‘not bad at all.’
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Spelling...
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see.
One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to New York?"
The local scratched his head. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.
He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard", and scratches out his spelling error.
"Head on bouelevard". Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
 
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