Good Quotes Part Deux

[moreluck]

"Why is it when a man talks nasty to a women
it's sexual harassment... ...But when a women talks nasty to a man it's $3.99 a minute?"

Gordie Howe, asked whether he's ever broken his nose while playing hockey: "No, but 11 other guys did."

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"We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. When we heard a noise at night we'd bark ourselves."

We cannot always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future.

Quite a scare in Washington, D.C. today. Police were called to the White House. Apparently President Obama was in a meeting with some potential Cabinet nominees when someone noticed a suspicious- looking document on the table that no one had ever seen before. Turns out it was just a tax form.

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"I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on a 20-foot extension ladder with a coathanger." -Steven Wright

MOTHER (scolding her child): If you fall from that tree and break both your legs, don't you come running to me!

Even when the man of the house runs the show, the woman of the house directs the script, operates the camera, and edits the film.

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"Punctuality is something that, if you have it, all too often there's nobody around to share it with you."

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more
deadly in the long run.
- Mark Twain-

A drink a day keeps the shrink away. (Edward Abbey) *"

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"Warren Buffett declared Monday the United States must see itself as engaged in a war against the economic downturn. He's got a point. If you've seen the federal deficit you will know we haven't been attacked by this many zeroes since Pearl Harbor."
~Argus Hamilton~

[moreluck]

Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag.
That's something the IRS always looks for.
For example, say you have some money left
in your bank account after paying your taxes. That's a red flag.

It was a particularly busy day at the bank when a woman stormed up to the customer service counter and demanded in a loud voice, "What do I have to do to change the address on my account?" Without even looking up the cashier said, "Simple, madam, you have to move!"

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Sign in supermarket reads "Wanted: Clerk to work eight hours a day, to replace the clerk who didn't."

Adolescence is that period when a young guy can show off the finest crop of hair he will ever have.

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"Palm Springs invited college kids to spend spring break there instead of Mexico next week. It's much safer. The students will be welcomed warmly by the people who live in Palm Springs as long as they don't criticize President Eisenhower's policies."

"Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty Tuesday to swindling victims out of fifty billion dollars and faces one hundred fifty years in jail. That's not enough time. Thanks to embryonic stem cell research, Bernie Madoff's best years could still be ahead of him."

"President Obama signed a budget bill with nearly nine thousand congressional earmarks Wednesday despite his campaign pledge to end earmarks. He said these are the last earmarks he will sign. Cigarette smokers always say this is going to be the last one. "

~Argus Hamilton~

[moreluck]

Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book that is admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.

Television is called a medium. This is because it is neither rare, nor well done.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.


Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

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When a person with experience meets a person with money, the person with experience will get the money, and the person with the money will get some experience.

If you want to fish, you'll need bait. The best bait is worms. All you do is impale the worm on the hook, and toss it in the water. The fish will nibble on it until it's gone, then they'll give the hook a gentle tug to let you know it's time to send another worm down.

I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.

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"New York prosecutors got Bernie Madoff's bail revoked Thursday, resulting in the swindler going to jail until sentencing. This isn't the way it was supposed to turn out. It was the money that was supposed to be under lock and key, not the fund manager. "

"Bernie Madoff admitted running a Ponzi scheme Thursday. He took money from new investors to pay off old investors, skimming off the top and never investing the money. This kind of financing is only allowed for Broadway musicals and Social Security."

"President Obama met with the foreign minister of China at the White House on Thursday. Everyone agreed that the visit was long overdue. Barack Obama has been president of the United States for seven weeks, it's about time he met with the owners. "

~Argus Hamilton~

[moreluck]

We love our country, not because it is great, but because it is our own.


"If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already."

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"President Obama dedicated Abraham Lincoln Hall at Fort McNair Thursday. Young people are mystified by all of Obama's references to Abe Lincoln. If Lincoln were that good a president, there would be a Toyota named after him instead of a Ford."

"Forbes magazine listed Mexico's cocaine kingpin Joaquin Guzman on their annual billionaires list. He's quite a shrewd businessman. Just by keeping his cash out of banks and the stock market, he sailed by two thousand people from last year's list."

~Argus Hamilton~

[moreluck]

Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students? A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.


If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did." --Jack Handey


In weight lifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. --Jack Handey


A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." --Also Jack Handey


"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates, what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates, how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates, hemlock is poison.'???????" -Socrates minutes before death

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"The Ellis Island Library just honored a couple who emigrated to America fifty years ago for their civic contributions to New York. They raised two sons. The first is the head of a Wall Street investment firm, and the other one's in prison too. "
~Argus Hamilton~

[moreluck]

It is unfortunate we can't buy many business executives for what they are worth and sell them for what they think they are worth. - Malcolm Forbes -

What is a debtor, Pa?"
"A man who owes money."
"And what is a creditor?"
"The man who thinks he is going to get it."

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There's a new baby food on the market. It's half orange juice and half garlic. It not only makes the baby healthier, but also easier to find in the dark.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen

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"Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa said Monday AIG workers should either resign or commit suicide for running the company into the ground and then taking performance bonuses. He speaks for all of Congress. These are the guys who just ran up eleven trillion dollars in debt, bankrupted the nation and then voted themselves a pay raise."
~Argus Hamilton~

[moreluck]

These days, about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

The Obamas are expecting the arrival of the first dog in April. Actually, this will be the Obamas' second choice of a dog. The first dog had some tax problems." -Jay Leno

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"Liquidity: When you look at your investments and wet your pants."

Although we were to be married in Ohio, I wanted a touch of my home state, Kansas, in the wedding. I told a friend that we were going to toss wheat, not rice, after the ceremony. My friend thought about it and said, "It's lucky you're not from Idaho!"

Sign on a high-school bulletin board: "Free every Monday through Friday, knowledge. Bring your own containers."

"No one in the whole world knows all a man's bignesses and all his littlenesses as his wife does."

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Once a compact was a popular gift for a sixteen-year-old girl; it still is today - if it has four wheels.

America is a land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy - and won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

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I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' --Larry Miller


"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
"Trying to dress an active little one is like trying to thread a sewing machine while it's running."

He who hesitates is not necessarily lost, but he may not find another chance to get off the freeway for quite a distance.

"Too many idiots...... not enough villages."

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Quotes About "Movies"

Alfred Hitchcock - "The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."

Clint Eastwood - "This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country."

Alfred Hitchcock - "A good film is when the price of the dinner, the theatre admission and the babysitter were worth it."

Roger Ebert - "Every great film should seem new every time you see it."

Kareem Abdul-Jabar - "My mother had to send me to the movies with my birth certificate, so that I wouldn't have to pay the extra fifty cents that the adults had to pay."

Kenneth Tynan - "The greatest films are those which show how society shapes man. The greatest plays are those which show how man shapes society."

[moreluck]

Rearing children is like holding a wet bar of soap - too firm a grasp and it shoots from your hand; too loose a grasp and it slides away. A gentle but firm grasp keeps it in your control.

Life not only begins at forty...it also begins to show.

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We have a two-party system. One party wins the election, and the other tells us about the mistake we made for the next four years.


The country has progressed. Washington couldn't tell a lie. Now everyone does.


Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040? Because for every $50 that you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.

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"India launched the world's cheapest automobile called the Nano on Monday, priced at under two thousand dollars. It's a good investment. Hindus believe if the Nano leads a good life on the roads it'll come back in its next life as a Bentley."
~Argus Hamilton~