Good Quotes Part Deux

[moreluck]

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.


Midlife crisis is that moment when you realize your children and your clothes are about the same age.


Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.


In an exhibition game, a pitcher named Jackie Mitchell struck out Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig on six pitches.
Such a feat would predict a great future in the major leagues, but the hurler never made it to the big time. You see, Jackie Mitchell (1912-1987) was a girl.

[ups1990]

We can rename UPS peak season to "the nightmare before Christmas". Also, "the only thing we have to fear is peak itself".

[moreluck]

Who needs jogging? If I want to increase my pulse rate for twenty minutes all I need do is open my wife's MasterCard bill.

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men. I'm sick of karate.
- Phillis Diller -

I don't want to be uncharitable to the post office, but the mailman just delivered my TV Guide. It has Ed Sullivan on the cover.

It seems ironic that all the people who hate the rich are the ones that are in line buying lottery tickets.

If you don't believe that this is the land of the free, just let your neighbors know that you own a summer cottage.

[moreluck]

Our social studies teacher says that her globe means the world to her.

A dog not only has a fur coat but also pants.

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." (Douglas Adams)

"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." (Woody Allen)


"Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things." (Anonymous)

[moreluck]

"President Obama was on Capitol Hill Wednesday to urge moderate Democrats to back his budget bill. Each baby born in the U.S. now owes eighteen thousand dollars in debt. A month ago Americans were furious at Nadya Suleman for having eight babies, but today she's the only thing standing between Social Security and insolvency."
~Argus Hamilton~

[moreluck]

"I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."


Earlier this week the Senate voted for tougher regulations. For example, when corporations buy a senator, they must now get a receipt.

Medical science has made a lot of progress with new miracle drugs. No matter what illness you have, the doctor can keep you alive long enough for you to pay your bill.

College is the best time of your life. When else are your parents going to spend thousands of dollars a year just for you to go to a strange town and get drunk every night?

[moreluck]

*Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. (Anonymous)

*Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. (Anonymous)

**Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without. (Anonymous)

*I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. (Anonymous)

*If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. (Anonymous)

[moreluck]

I'd like to know who came up with "Take Your Kids to Work Day." Is this really necessary? Aren't we already surrounded by immature people who need constant supervision?

"I was in a cab the other day, and, you'll find this hard to believe, it was actually driven by an American citizen."

Sign in a corporate boardroom: "Thank heavens this is a free country where you can do exactly as the government pleases."

Looking down sternly from the bench, the judge asked the defendant why, after a blameless six decades, she had turned to a life of crime. "Your Honor, I began working on my memoirs," she explained. "and they were just too damn boring."

[moreluck]

Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while. {after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics}. (Charles Barkley)


Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. (Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry)

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow. (Dave Barry)

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. (Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry)

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. (Dave Barry)

[moreluck]

"The NCAA basketball tournament ends up this weekend in Michigan's Ford Field in Detroit. The president made his prediction for the Final Four. By next week the only ones left standing will be Fiat, Prius, Volt and the Austin Mini Cooper."

"Tiger Woods roared back from five strokes behind to win at Bay Hill Sunday. He played without pain after reconstructive knee surgery and won. President Obama called Tiger's knee surgeon after the tournament and asked if he does auto industries".

"The American College of Cardiology said Tuesday that NFL fans are so rabid that a team losing the Super Bowl risks giving fatal heart attacks to its fans. Not so fast. The study wasn't adjusted for the pork rinds and empty beer bottles and couches where the heart attacks occurred."

"The American College of Cardiology said Tuesday that NFL fans are so rabid that a team losing the Super Bowl risks giving fatal heart attacks to its fans. Not so fast. The study wasn't adjusted for the pork rinds and empty beer bottles and couches where the heart attacks occurred"

'Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said Sunday there are no plans to shoot down North Korea's soon-to-be-launched missile. All the U.S. states it could reach voted for Obama. Every day, the GOP's prospects for the next presidential election look a little brighter'.

~Argus Hamilton~

[moreluck]

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children...' -- they leave skid marks."

What is a pedestrian? He is a man who has two cars, one being driven by his wife, the other by one of his children.

Being a bachelor is great. You get home-cooked meals, along with a variety of cooks.

Modern women put on wigs fake eyelashes, false fingernails, sixteen pounds of assorted makeup/shadows/blushes/creams, push-up bras, various pads, have plastic surgery, then complain they cannot find a "real" man.

One-half of life is luck. The other half is discipline, and that's the important half. Without discipline, you wouldn't know what to do with luck. ~Carl Zuckmayer~

[moreluck]

"Joe Biden's daughter Ashley Biden won't comment about a video that apparently shows her snorting cocaine at a party. It's a huge embarrassment for the administration. She's going to have to check into the Betty Ford Center because the Democrats don't have any rehabs. "
~Argus Hamilton~

[moreluck]

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it" - Yogi Berra

*"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!" (Yogi Berra)

*Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. (Ambrose Bierce)

*I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. (David Bissonette)

*The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. (Humphrey Bogart)

[moreluck]

A lot of friction is caused by half the drivers trying to go fast enough to thrill their girlfriends and the other half trying to go slow enough to placate their wives.

[moreluck]

You know a man is getting old when he picks up the phone and a woman asks, "Do you know who this is? and he says no and hangs up."

A father found his small son looking very unhappy.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
The boy said, "I can't get along with your wife."

[moreluck]

"Queen Elizabeth gave President Obama a private audience Wednesday. It's a formal ceremony. He walked into the Queen's sitting room, bowed his head, then presented her with his credentials as United States president and chairman of Government Motors."

"The Special Olympics urged people to stop using the word retarded as a general insult. Fair enough. We have to come up with a new word for anyone who'd force automakers to make cars Americans won't buy, thinking it'll keep them out of bankruptcy. "

~Argus Hamilton~

[moreluck]

It's a bad day when... Your 4-year-old tells you
that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

Lady Godiva was never arrested because nobody could pin anything on her!

My sister is dating a radiologist, yet I wonder what he sees in her?

There is a new type of birth control for men. You just add it to your coffee. It is called nutersweet.

How did you get the nickname Thermostat? My wife turns me down every night.

What's the quickest way to make your spouse cry out when making love? Call her up and tell her where you are.

[moreluck]

Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

If you talk about yourself you're a bore, and if you talk about others you're a gossip. Might as well keep quiet.

Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.

Fancy Restaurant -- One that serves cold soup on purpose.
Hors D'oeuvres -- A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.

[moreluck]

Profound Statements.............

1. In my many years, I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed.
If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into
prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself
up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend
on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow
man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep
voting on what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from
poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey
and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody
endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a
few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report
the facts.
-- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you
see what it costs when it's free!
-- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money
as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics does
not mean politics will not take an interest in you!
-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty or property is safe while the
legislature is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal with a
happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other end.MY Favorite! JP
-- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.

The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is
that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of
folly is to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress.
-- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want is
strong enough to take everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson

[moreluck]

Political speeches are like a steer: A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.


What's the difference between baseball and politics? In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing.


My friends tell me that I refuse to grow up,
but I know they're just jealous because they don't have pajamas with feet.

[moreluck]

Yiddish Proverbs..........

If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living. Yiddish Proverb

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks. Yiddish Proverb

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
Yiddish proverb

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
Yiddish Proverb

One old friend is better than two new ones.
Yiddish Proverb

[ups1990]

Remember, that at the end of the day, "the end of the day" doesn't matter.

[moreluck]

In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that He did not also limit his stupidity.

Chance is always powerful. Let your hook always be cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.

I dreamed that God sneezed, and I didn't know what to say to him.

Don’t put a question mark where God put a period

Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive..

[moreluck]

You can't take it with you. You never see a U-Haul following a hearse.


Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

[moreluck]

"North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il launched another long-range missile on Sunday which fell harmlessly into the ocean. It was his third consecutive dud. Kim Jong Il is the only world leader who needs a glass bottom boat to review his space program. "

~Argus Hamilton~