Good Quotes Part Deux

[moreluck]

Read in the will of a miserly millionaire: "...And to my dear nephew Paul, whom I promised to remember in my will, "Hi. there, Paul!"

I don't play golf. Personally, I think there's something psychologically wrong with any game in which the person who gets to hit the ball the most is the loser.

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Perfect timing is the ability to turn off the "hot" "and" cold shower faucets at the same time.

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. Jewish Proverb

Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavor.
Jewish Proverb

A wise man hears one word and understands two.
Yiddish Proverb

[moreluck]

Juvenile Sea Squirt

The juvenile sea squirt meanders about the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and to make its home for life. For this task, the squirt has a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain any more, so it eats it. It's kinda like a college professor getting tenure.

[moreluck]

Yiddish Proverbs...........

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great."
Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself.
Golda Meir

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.
Albert Einstein

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving. Albert Einstein

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Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils — people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.

Dyslexics are teople poo.

People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

[moreluck]

"President Obama told the Turkish people he wants to form a partnership between the U.S. and the Muslim world. He declared that Islam has done much to shape his own country. For instance, it used to be a little taller in New York than it is right now."

"GM teamed up with Segway Monday to build a motorized two-wheeled car that runs on electricity and is equipped with GPS. The two wheels are for maneuverability, the battery is for energy efficiencies, and the GPS is for notification of next of kin."

~Argus Hamilton~

[moreluck]

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.

When his wife asked him to change clothes to meet the German Ambassador, he said "If they want to see me, here I am. If they want to see my clothes, open my closet and show them my suits." Albert Einstein

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Albert Einstein

The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax.
Albert Einstein

You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
Yiddish proverb

I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become immortal through not dying Woody Allen

I'm not afraid of dying - I just don't want to be there when it happens!
Woody Allen

[moreluck]

Walking into a noisy classroom, the teacher slapped her hand on the desk loudly and ordered sharply: "I demand pandemonium!" The class quieted down immediately. "You see, it isn't what you demand," explained the teacher, "so much as it is the way in which you demand it."

A motorist saw a sign. "Bob's Service Station. Last Chance for Seventy-cent Gas. State Line One Mile." He stopped and had his tank filled, then asked. "How much is gas across the line?" Answered the attendant. "Sixty-five cents."

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

Graduation Day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed.

[moreluck]

The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night's sleep.

Ronald Reagan was asked once why he was addressing a Future Farmers of America gathering, in Las Vegas of all places. "Buster" he replied, "they're in a business that makes a Las Vegas crap table look like a guaranteed income."

“Kind words can be short, but their echoes are endless.”

Don't wait for people to be friendly, show them how.

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.

He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses much more; He who loses faith, loses all.

Keeping a secret from some people is like trying to sneak daybreak past a rooster.

[moreluck]

"The Liberty Sun cargo vessel withstood a pirate attack off Somalia Tuesday. The crew hid out passively inside the engine room. There's a simple solution to the piracy problem, but the president is understandably reluctant to equip each ship with a rifle and a Southerner." ~Argus Hamilton~

"Some girls like quiet things in life, like the folding of hundred- dollar bill."


"Some men don't look good on the beach. They look like they're wearing their inner tube internally"


"Golf is good for the soul. You get so mad at yourself you forget to hate your enemies."
- Will Rogers -
.

[moreluck]

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

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We are an impossibility in an impossible universe." (Ray Bradbury)

*"The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing." (William J. Broad)

*Time is God's way to keep everything from happening at once. (James Brown)

*I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -A. (Whitney Brown)

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"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
--Abraham Lincoln

"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it."
--Groucho Marx

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
--Groucho Marx

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
--Robert Redford

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What is the best way to call your financial consultant these days? "Oh, waiter..."

The only distinction between a tax collector and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist always leaves the hide.

Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.
- Will Rogers -

[moreluck]

Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.

Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out?

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

[moreluck]

The key to success? Work hard, stay focused, and marry a Kennedy. --Arnold Schwarzenegger


"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
--Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
--Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
--Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
--Jack E. Leonard

[moreluck]

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

[moreluck]

Yesterday, I had some words with my wife. She had some paragraphs with me.

Only in America do we make instant coffee and dawdle away an hour drinking it.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

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• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
• There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives
• Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

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Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Baby-sitter to parents: "By the way, I promised your daughter that if she'd go to bed without any fuss, you'd buy her a pony in the morning."

If it's true that misery loves company, how come we don't enjoy getting caught in a traffic jam?

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited- until you try to get into their pews.

[moreluck]

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -- Oscar Wilde

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones

[moreluck]

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

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"President Obama hosted a White House press conference Wednesday to discuss his progress as president. After a hundred days the U.S. government owns General Motors, six banks, and Chrysler. This is why no one in his family will play Monopoly with him."

"The Kentucky Derby field Saturday will include a filly owned by Dubai's Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid. She's well-trained. The jockey is under instruction not go to the whip unless the filly is seen in public with a stallion that's not a family member."

~Argus Hamilton~

[moreluck]

Summer is the time when it is too hot to do the jobs it was too cold to do in winter.

"The first wealth is health."

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"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.