Good Quotes Part Deux

[moreluck]

Man has learned to fly like a bird; now if only he would figure out how to do it quietly.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.
-- Bill Maher

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Jean Cousteau
-- I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?
Andrei Codrescu
-- Cookbooks bear the same relation to real books that microwave food bears to your grandmother's.
Steven Coallier
-- If we are the only intelligent life in the universe, at least there's a finite number of idiots.
Noel Coward
-- I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
Quentin Crisp
-- The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about. ~Charles Kingsley~

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The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
-- George Deukmejian

Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.
-- Walter Walker (quoted in Newspapers, 1981)


Only in America...
...do we use the word 'politics'
to describe the process so well:
Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and
'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking

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"Staying on your own path means that you are on the right track. Don't let anyone deter you from that." ~Eartha Kitt~

"You must try to generate happiness within yourself. If you aren't happy in one place, chances are you won't be happy anyplace." ~Ernie Banks~

"Your regrets aren't what you did, but what you didn't do. So, I take every opportunity." ~Cameron Diaz~

"If you're going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now." ~Marie Osmond~

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Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P. J. ORourke

The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back!
-- Will Rogers

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidise it.
-- Ronald Reagan

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Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet.
-- Jay Leno

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
-- Milton Berle

Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.
-- Ronald Reagan (During 1980 presidential campaign)

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Famous Sex QuotesWomen might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-- Jack Nicholson

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Thomas Edison humorously explained, "The only exercise my poor body gets is carrying my brain around."

Driver speaking confidently: I'll never speed again. "Officer's reply: "That's the ticket!"

There is nothing wrong with the younger generation that twenty years won't cure.

After months of fruitless searching, I ran across a job in the want ads that I knew I was qualified for. The posting read "Position may be filled by male or female only."

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What's the difference
between a lawyer and a vulture? A briefcase

If married couples did not live together, happy marriages would be more frequent.

Many cars often have one thing in common, they have a faulty nut on the steering wheel.

Tell me, why is the virus that causes the common cold so difficult to find when it is so very easy to catch?

Women deserve to have more than twelve years between the ages of twenty-eight and forty.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: eat out. - Phyllis Diller -

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It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They are in front of you in the express lane at the supermarket.

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

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On my birthday I got a really funny card from a friend. It joked about how our bodies might be getting older, but our minds were still "tarp as shacks" I wanted to thank the friend who sent the card, but I couldn't. She forgot to sign it.

Life is very much like the grindstone. Whether it grinds you down or polishes you up greatly depends upon what you are made of.

"Bark less - Wag more!"

"Well, a new study has found that having a cat makes you 40 percent less likely to die of a heart attack. Not that the cat could care less either way, really." -Jay Leno

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A guy dies and leaves the shortest will ever. It says, "Being of sound mind, I spent my money!"


"A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist."

To see a fully developed look of disgust, you need only observe a typical teen being told how his father behaved back when he was a boy.

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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money
to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Now that I can afford to indulge myself and have time to lie in the sun, everyone's telling me how hazardous it is to my health.

A friend is one who walks in when others walk out.

A weed is simply a plant that wants to grow where people want something else. By blaming nature, people mistake the culprit. Weeds are people's idea, not nature's.

"You know children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers."

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Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy. They are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. ~Marcel Proust~


Political difference is wholesome. It is political indifference that hurts.

"Give a man a fish and you have fed him for a day, but give him a case of dynamite and soon the village will be showered with mud and seaweed and unidentifiable chunks of fish. "


"Burger King is adding a new kids' meal that's lower in fat, sodium and calories. It's called the 'I Don't Want That.'" --Jimmy Fallon


"I know a few people that are a natural at multitasking. They can goof up, screw up, and mess up all at the same time."

[moreluck]

I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription.

"There is a garden in every childhood, an enchanted place where colors are brighter, the air softer, and the morning more fragrant than ever again." (Elizabeth Lawrence)

"I wonder if one of the penalties of growing older is that you become more and more conscious that nothing in life is very permanent."

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

[moreluck]

Women's creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for 20 years.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. -- Woody Allen

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. -- Jane Wagner

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.

[moreluck]

Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your
thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going too ?

Why do people call it an ATM machine, but they know it's really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine?

Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number?

Why is Christmas colors red and green when Santa's suit is red and white?

Why do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on paper?

Since there is a rule that states "i" before "e" except after "c", wouldn't "science" be spelled.....

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"A good novel tells us the truth about it's hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author." (G. K. Chesterton)

I always thought that my canine family tended to view me as the funny-looking two-legged dog who runs the can opener.

" played golf so bad, I got a get-well card from the IRS."
Johnny Miller, on a terrible 1977 season.

If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own."

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"Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose."
Bill Gates

A lasting marriage consists of the 3 C's;

1. Commitment
2. Communication
3. Compromise.

Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else." (Will Rogers)

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Inflation marches on, making it possible for people in all walks of life to live in more expensive neighborhoods without even moving.

A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.

"Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries."
- Bill Cosby -

A pastor said to a precocious six year old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night. Very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied," Thank God he's in bed!"

Save the turtles - don't wax your car.

[moreluck]

Failure is the opportunity to begin again, more intelligently.


It often shows a fine command of the language, to say nothing.


I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse

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He who has health has hope; he who has hope has everything."


"Here's the secret to a happy marriage: Do what your wife tells you ."

If we are a country committed to free speech, then why do we have phone bills?

"The really frightening thing about middle age is knowing you'll grow out of it." (Doris Day)

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A good belly laugh exercises the diaphragm, contracts the abs and even works out the shoulders, leaving muscles more relaxed afterward. It even provides a good workout for the heart.

Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools.

QUESTION: When should you care for a man's company?
ANSWER: When he owns it.

What scares me about divorce is that my children might put me in a home for unwed mothers.

[moreluck]

Politeness is making company feel at home, when you wish they were."

"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard"

"You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. "

Funny how we call God our Father and Jesus our brother, but find it hard to introduce them to our family.

"Are you ready out there in radio land for your morning exercises? Good. Now-up, down, up, down, up, down. Now the other eyelid."