Good Quotes Part Deux

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Famous Sex Quotes.......

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert DE Niro

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My friend is engaged in a major custody battle.
His wife doesn't want him... ...and his mother won't take him back.

If you cannot be a poet, be the poem." (David Carradine...1936-2009)

If you need time alone, try cleaning the house.

Don't protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends.

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"It's true that gray hair makes you look distinguished. It distinguishes you from the younger-looking people."

"Too often...we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought." (John F. Kennedy)

You know you're getting old when the only thing you've got in the house from Victoria's Secret is their catalog.

"We've all been blessed with God-given talents. Mine just happens to be beating people up."
~Sugar Ray Leonard~

A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

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"Passwords are like underwear: you don’t let people see it, you should change it very often, and you shouldn’t share it with strangers." (Chris Pirillo)

A publishing company made a Bible for teens. You can tell it's for teens because at one point Moses tells Pharaoh, "We're so out of here!"

"Many school children seem to know only two dates: 1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either occasion." (Mark Twain)

"A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp." (Raymond Duncan)

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances waiting at the bottom of a hill. ~Erma Bombeck~

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PARK (park): v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

LIPSTICK (lip*stik): n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Q: What do you call the day after two days of rain?
A: Monday.

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Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

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"St. Louis hosted the All-Star Game Tuesday with President Obama there. Security was tight. They used facial recognition software to keep lawbreakers from entering the ballpark, but since smoking is not a crime yet President Obama was able to get in."

"President Obama's health care reform bill drew outraged howls from Republicans Tuesday. He's clearly a socialist. Judging from the latest quarterly earnings report, he's trying to redistribute all of America's wealth equally between Goldman and Sachs."

~Argus Hamilton~

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EXPERIENCE: The ability to repeat one's mistakes with ever- increasing confidence.

It is one of the great troubles of life that we cannot have any unmixed emotions. There is always something in our enemy that we like, and something in our sweetheart that we dislike.

QUESTION: What's psycho-ceramics?
ANSWER: The study of crackpots

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ETERNITY (e*ter*ni*tee):n. The last two minutes of a football game.

My sight-impaired friend was in a grocery store with her guide dog when the manager asked, "Is that a blind dog?" My friend said, "I hope not, or we're both in trouble."

Honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress.

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Business Quotes.....

A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.

A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.

A little ignorance can go a long way.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

A penny saved has not been spent.

The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them. - Albert Einstein

A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and the real reason.

[moreluck]

To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.




A thunderstorm is God's way of saying you spend too much time in front of the computer.

Three-fourths of the Earth's surface is water, and one-fourth is land. It is quite clear that the good Lord intended us to spend triple the amount of time fishing as taking care of the lawn.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees. That'll do them in.

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The Centers for Disease Control said Friday American obesity varies by race. Thirty percent of Hispanics are obese, thirty-six percent of blacks are obese, and twenty-four percent of whites are obese. The obvious explanation is that beans are cooked in lard, greens are cooked in bacon grease, and Scotch contains zero grams of trans fat.

"Neil Armstrong is hailed today on the anniversary of the moon landing. He's from Ohio, just like the first man to orbit, John Glenn, and the first man to fly, Orville Wright, were from Ohio. It shows that no challenge is too great when a man is trying to get out of Ohio. "

"Hillary Clinton was reported Friday to be unhappy over the way the White House is reining her in. She feels her opinions as Secretary of State are being ignored. She's used to being locked out of the Oval Office but not for more than an hour at a time."

~Argus Hamilton~

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"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
- Jimmy Durante

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
- James Holt McGavran

"Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason

"Marriage is an adventure, like going to war."
- G. K. Chesterton

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
- Sacha Guitry

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Ever wonder who the genius is who decided to put fire hydrants in all the good parking spots?



Gray hair is a blessing...ask any bald man.

"An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just about anything." (Lynn Johnston)

"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you." (Will Rogers...1879-1935)

Today the real test of power is not capacity to make war but capacity to prevent it.

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To a young dog, exercise and play are the day's most important events. As a dog gets older, he lives for dinner time.

I think the dilemma of being a thirteen-year girl is best summed up by a book I've heard about, titled something like "I hate you and I wish You Would Die, but First Can You Drive Me to the Mall?"

The problem with sneezing these days is that my bladder thinks it needs to be involved.

"This weekend is the 40th anniversary of the moon landing considered by some to be mankind's greatest achievement. Unless, of course, you count the time we put the cheese inside the pizza crust." -Conan O'Brien

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Church Bulletin Blooper......

Scouts are saving aluminum cans,
bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than an hour of praise after success.

They've stopped teaching Latin in schools, so how come they haven't stopped putting Roman numerals on Super Bowls?

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QUESTION: How do you scare a man?
ANSWER: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice

BLOOPERS: The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

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Leisure time is when your wife can't find you.



The perils of duck hunting are great...especially for the duck." (Walter Cronkite...1916--2009)

"Father giving advice to son: Never do anything once around the house that you don't want to do for the rest of your life." (Frank Briggs)

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man." (Rita Rudner

Before I started working here, I drank, smoked, and used bad language. Thanks to this job, I now have good reason.

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Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.

A publishing company made a Bible for teens. You can tell it's for teens because at one point Moses Tells Pharaoh, "We're so out of here!"

Sign in a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."


The nation behaves well if it treats the natural resources as assets which it must turn over to the next generation increased, and not impaired, in value.

A peacock who sits on his tail is just another turkey.

MEANDERTHAL, n. An annoying individual moving slowly and aimlessly in front of another individual who is in a bit of a hurry.

SARCASTROPHE, n. An embarrassing and catastrophic event occurring when an individual attempts and fails to use humorous sarcasm.

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And Now "deep thoughts " with Jack Handey (SNL)

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and look up at the stars, I think to myself, "Man! I really need to fix that roof."

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.


I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs

[Dustyroads]

The greatest mistake you can ever make is continually fearing you will make one.
Elbert Hubbard

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I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

"Laughter is an instant vacation."

Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or to lose. ~Lyndon B. Johnson~
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

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You can use pine cones to forecast the weather: The scales will close when rain is on the way.

Next time you're feeling sorry for yourself, consider that your garbage disposal eats better than 30% of the world's population."

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"President Obama hosts Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates and Boston cop James Crowley for a beer at the White House tonight. Let's hope they put away the breakables. Tempers are going to flare when the cop asks the president for his birth certificate"

"House Democrats were swamped by protests against a health care provision which could deny treatment to seniors while providing care for illegal aliens. That's the least of its problems. The health care bill will be signed by a president who smokes, supervised by a Surgeon General who is obese, and paid for by a country that is broke."

~Argus Hamilton~

[moreluck]

If you want to stay young, associate with young people; if you want to feel your age, try to match their pace.

Learn to love your enemies. Without them, you have no one to blame but yourself.