Good Quotes Part Deux

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Punny Truisms........

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

* When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

* Acupuncture: a jab well done.

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"All the world's a stage and I missed rehearsal."

"If you love life, don't waste time, for time is what life is made up of." (Bruce Lee)

Boys will be boys and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

"A horse is dangerous at both ends and uncomfortable in the middle." (Ian Fleming)

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door.

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Two-week vacations with four kids in a tent make you appreciate the serenity of the workplace.

Mistakes are made from time to time. Without them, some of us would have never been born.

"Always remember, money isn't everything...but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense." (Earl Wilson)

Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.

Willpower: The ability to eat only one salted peanut.

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I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

[Hoaxster]

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh%$t.'

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My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Remember, smoking doesn't kill people...People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

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"The money in a bank account is a little like toothpaste: easy to take out, but hard to put back in."

"Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards." (Robert Orben)

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Last year the county spent $80,000 on a new school bus so kids
wouldn't have to walk to school, and this year they're spending
$200,000 on a new gymnasium so they can get some exercise.

Vacation is over when the shore, the lawn and people's dispositions all become crabby.

"It's a great day for our former President Bill Clinton. He went to North Korea and negotiated the release of two female journalists. He did it! Clinton agreed to go as soon as he found out the mission was picking up chicks." -Craig Ferguson

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"If absence makes the heart grow fonder, some people must really love church."


"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, You will never ever have enough."


"Inspiration does exist, but it must find you working." ~Pablo Picasso~


"Some women are lucky....they gave birth to babies. I gave birth to teenagers." ~Erma Bombeck~


"Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge." ~Bill Cosby~

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Spite is never lonely: envy always tags along.

Fireproof: What you are when you marry the boss's daughter.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

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Madness does not always howl. Sometimes it is that quiet voice at the end of the day saying, " Hey, is there room in your head for one more?"

The richest person in the world is not the one who still has the first dollar they ever earned. It's the person who still has their first friend." (Martha Mason...1864-1949)

"Yup, gardening and laughing are two of the best things in life you can do to promote good health and a sense of well being." (David Hobson, 'The Mad Gardener')

Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: A little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The meaning of wagging is different depending upon whether it's a dog's tail or a human tongue.

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September is the month when millions of bright, shining, happy faces look forward to the start of school, and they all belong to mothers!

Less is more. Unless you are standing next to the one with more. Then less looks pretty pathetic.


When birds fly in the right formation, they need only exert half the effort. Even in nature, teamwork results in collective laziness.

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I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance. She leaned over and pushed me!

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62 percent of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex." - Humorist Erma Bombeck

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Every murderer is probably somebody's old friend.
-- Agatha Christie

Win hearts, and you have hands and purses.
-- Lord Burleigh

It's much easier to turn a friendship into love, than love into friendship.
-- Proverb

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That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable.

*there's never enough time to do it right but there's always time to do it over.

*Less is more. Unless you're standing next to the one with more. Then less just looks pathetic.

*When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor

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"My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing." ~Jessica Alba~

"Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together."
~Vincent van Gogh~

"A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need advice." ~Bill Cosby~

"Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying." ~Fran Lebowitz~

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." ~J.K. Rowling~

"If you don't risk anything, you risk even more." ~Erica Jong~

"One's destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things." ~Henry Miller~

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At my age, forget all the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

"Wealth is when small efforts produce big results. Poverty is when big efforts produce small results."

"You know you're on a diet when cat food commercials make you hungry."

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Steven Wright quotes.........

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

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People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because
it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

God blesses my garden, but He doesn't weed it!

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

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Gardening is a way of showing that you believe in tomorrow.

Frisbee-tarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up
on the roof and gets stuck. -- George Carlin


Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." - Mark Twain

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Steven Wright Quotes.....


The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

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"Patriots always talk of dying for their country but never of killing for their country."

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left. - Oscar Levant -

"If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice."

The shortest measurable interval of time is the time between the moment I put a little extra aside for a sudden emergency and the arrival of that emergency.

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The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

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A good way to keep paperwork under control is to apply the three D's: do it, delegate it or ditch it.

Q: What do you get if you cross a praying mantis with a termite?
A: An insect that says grace before he eats your house.

There are many ways to measure success, not the least of which is the way your child describes you when talking to friends.

Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.