Good Quotes Part Deux - Page 116 - Brown Cafe

moreluck · 08-24-2009, 06:07 AM

If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

By the time we're ready to admit we've reached middle age, we're beyond it.

Great leaders are almost always great simplifiers, who can cut through argument, debate and doubt, to offer a solution that everybody can understand. - Colin Powell -

moreluck · 08-25-2009, 03:50 AM

I'm trying to figure out what an emotionally unstable caveman has to do with insurance.

Happiness is a place in the middle of too much and too little.

If it weren't for the last minute, I'd never get anything done.

I find I need to procrastinate many times before a chore completely slips my mind.

A diploma proves only that you know how to find an answer.

moreluck · 08-26-2009, 02:51 AM

At every party, there are two kinds of people, those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, usually they are married to each other.

A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education he may steal the whole railroad."

C.H.E.V.R.O.L.E.T...Can Hear Every Valve Rattle on Long Extended Trips

moreluck · 08-26-2009, 03:46 AM

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up, or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a
nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up
your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
witchcraft. Today, it's called golf

moreluck · 08-27-2009, 06:05 AM

Home is an invention on which no one has yet improved.

Q: If athletes get athletes feet. What do workers at McDonalds get?
A: Fallen arches.

QUESTION: How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
ANSWER: Who cares? They're in the dark if they change the bulb or not.

QUESTION: What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
ANSWER: Beethoven's First Movement.

Final philosophy exam:
Is this a question?
If this is an answer!

moreluck · 08-28-2009, 05:21 AM

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
Molly McGee

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
Mickey Rooney

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
Helen Rowland

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Unknown

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

moreluck · 08-29-2009, 04:26 AM

The problem with telephones is that they never nap when you do.

Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

You’re driving a car!! It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.

moreluck · 08-30-2009, 07:26 AM

Stop comparing yourself to the made-up fantasy images presented by the media; instead, be the best that you can be, given the attributes that you have.

Freedom of speech is wonderful – right up there with the freedom not to listen.

Be naughty – save Santa the trip.

moreluck · 08-31-2009, 03:25 AM

I'm trying to figure out what an emotionally unstable caveman has to do with insurance.

Happiness is a place in the middle of too much and too little.

If it weren't for the last minute, I'd never get anything done.

I find I need to procrastinate many times before a chore completely slips my mind.

A diploma proves only that you know how to find an answer.

moreluck · 08-31-2009, 04:00 AM

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. Theres nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard
before dinner.

moreluck · 09-01-2009, 05:07 AM

You never know a man at all if you've met him only when his wife is around.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Home is an invention on which no one has yet improved.

Q: If athletes get athletes feet. What do workers at McDonalds get?
A: Fallen arches.

moreluck · 09-02-2009, 04:46 AM

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonnette

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henry Youngman

It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
Laurence J. Peter

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Unknown

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

moreluck · 09-03-2009, 05:08 AM

Bumper Sticker: You're just jealous because
the voices are talking to me, not you!

Q: How do you know when a man's planning for the future?
A: He buys TWO cases of beer.

QUESTION: How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
ANSWER: Who cares? They're in the dark if they change the bulb or not.

QUESTION: What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
ANSWER: Beethoven's First Movement.

Final philosophy exam:
Is this a question?
If this is an answer!

moreluck · 09-03-2009, 05:08 AM

Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draft.

Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.

Football is a game in which a handful of men run around for two hours watched by millions of people who could really use the exercise.

Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

moreluck · 09-04-2009, 03:51 AM

The nurse who was expecting a raise received a paycheck with this note attached:
"Your raise will become effective as soon as you do."

I just got my bill for my stay in the hospital. Now I know why surgeons wear masks.

Don't think there are no crocodiles because the water is calm.

"The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have." (Louis E. Boone)

You know you are getting old when your broad mind and narrow waist have exchanged places.

moreluck · 09-05-2009, 06:03 AM

"Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do."

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what's empty, empty what's full and scratch where it itches.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.

moreluck · 09-06-2009, 04:29 AM

"I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful, and damaging to all things American. But if I were twenty-two with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic, and a progressive religious experience." - Shelley Winters -

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Talent wins games, but teamwork wins championships.

moreluck · 09-07-2009, 07:58 AM

When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking.

The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.

Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble.

"Humans can always be counted on to assert with vigor their God- given right to be stupid." (Dean Koontz in False Memory)

"Some people grow up and spread cheer. You just grew up and spread."

If you think marriage is going to be perfect, you're probably still at your reception.

moreluck · 09-08-2009, 04:06 AM

What I need to live has been given to me by the earth. Why I need to live has been given to me by you.

"God gives nothing to those who keep their arms crossed." (African Proverb)

"I have stepped out upon this platform that I may see you and that you may see me, and in the arrangement I have the best of the bargain." ~Abraham Lincoln~

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

moreluck · 09-09-2009, 03:41 AM

A bank is a dignified institution that was established for people to have a place to keep the government's money until tax time.

A women's best protection is a little money of her own.

cachsux · 09-09-2009, 08:40 PM

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. *

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance. *

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.*

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a Farmall tractor. *

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. *

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight. *

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.*

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. *

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. *

You cannot unsay a cruel word. *

Every path has a few puddles. *

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.*

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. *

Don't judge folks by their relatives. *

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.*

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.*

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none. *

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance. *

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. *

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. *

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'. *

Always drink upstream from the herd. *

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. *

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. *

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. *

Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.*

moreluck · 09-11-2009, 04:45 AM

Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

QUESTION: How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
ANSWER: She cooks I eat, she cleans I dirty, she irons I wrinkle.

"Women put a lot of thought into what their butts look like. Men aren't even aware of the fact that they have a butt until it starts itching." - Jeff Foxworthy -

moreluck · 09-12-2009, 09:28 AM

God give me work, till my life shall end...And life, till my work is done." (Epitaph of Winifred Holtby...1898-1935...English Novelist and Journalist)

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears.. The woman came out of a man's rib, not from his feet to be walked on, not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved.”

moreluck · 09-13-2009, 06:00 AM

There are three rules for a caddie to live by: show up, keep up, shut up.

A man is like a cat: chase him and he will run; sit still and ignore him and he'll come purring at your feet.

moreluck · 09-14-2009, 06:18 AM

"If Columbus had an advisory committee he would probably still be at the dock." (Arthur Goldberg)

"At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn't know gave me anything. Even the people I know don't give me anything." -George Wallace

Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours in a day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Mother Teresa, Thomas Jefferson and Albert Einstein.

"Money is like manure. If you spread it around, it does a lot of good. But if you pile it up in one place. It stinks . "

I thank my lucky stars I'm not superstitious.

Take care that the face that looks out from the mirror in the morning is a pleasant face. You may not see it again during the day, but others will.

"In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes."