Good Quotes Part Deux - Page 117 - Brown Cafe

moreluck · 09-15-2009, 05:43 AM

"Sometimes I wonder whether the world
is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it." --Mark Twain

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
JOHNNY: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
JOHNNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

A girl can wait for the right man to come along, but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones.

Warning: Dates on Calendar are closer than they appear.

"Ever consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" (Anne Tyler)

moreluck · 09-15-2009, 09:26 AM

If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?

If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?

If anything's possible, then is it possible that nothing's possible?

Is atheism is a non-prophet organization?

If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out?

moreluck · 09-16-2009, 05:10 AM

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If you don't have enemies, you don't have character.

moreluck · 09-16-2009, 06:23 AM

Great Orators of the Democrat Party

'One man with courage makes a majority.'
- Andrew Jackson

'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.'
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

'The buck stops here.'
- Harry S. Truman

'Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.'
- John F. Kennedy

And from today's Genius Democrats................

'It depends what your definition of 'Sex' is?''
- Bill Clinton

'Those rumors are false .... I believe in the sanctity of marriage.'
- John Edwards

'I invented the Internet'
- Al Gore

'The next Person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their ASS.'
- Joe Biden

' America is--is no longer, uh, what it--it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was...uh, and I say to 'uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh for my children.'
- Barack Obama

'I have campaigned in all 57 states.
- Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)

'You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats.'
- Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)

'Paying taxes is voluntary.'
- Sen. Harry Reid

'Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he.'
- Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)

moreluck · 09-17-2009, 03:21 AM

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
furious! -- Steven Wright

I know that there are people
who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

OldUPSDriver · 09-17-2009, 01:24 PM

More....................

I know that there are people
who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

Quote by Tom Lehrer

moreluck · 09-18-2009, 05:58 AM

History repeats itself, but each time the price goes up.

Those who do not read are no better off than those who cannot.

moreluck · 09-19-2009, 03:20 AM

Golf Quotes......

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~ H G Wells

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevin

NHDRVR · 09-19-2009, 03:58 AM

You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think - Dorothy Parker

NHDRVR · 09-19-2009, 04:04 AM

A vasectomy means never having to say your sorry...

NHDRVR · 09-19-2009, 04:05 AM

admit nothing, deny everything, begin counter accusations

NHDRVR · 09-19-2009, 04:07 AM

Wanted: Woman with truck...send picture of truck

moreluck · 09-20-2009, 07:56 AM

Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children

Nothing improves memory like trying to forget.

I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators.
- Gerald Ford -

moreluck · 09-21-2009, 02:41 AM

Subject: Golf Quotes

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

moreluck · 09-22-2009, 03:51 AM

Pity all newlyweds. She cooks something nice for him, and he brings her flowers, and they kiss and think how easy marriage is.

A small town is a place where there is little to see or do, but what you hear makes up for it.

The speed limit is generally fifty-five miles per hour in the country and twenty in the city, but the average driver adds them together.

moreluck · 09-23-2009, 09:17 AM

Golf Quotes

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus

moreluck · 09-24-2009, 07:02 AM

"Ive seen more interesting faces on clocks."

"Whatever is eating you must be suffering from indigestion."

"The last time I saw a mouth like yours, it had a fishhook in it."

"I heard about your wit." "Oh, it's nothing." "Yes, that's what I heard."

"You have a very striking face. It should be struck more often."

moreluck · 09-25-2009, 03:53 AM

Demetri Martin Quotes.....

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything."

'I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?!?' 'B-batteries!!!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'"

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater."

Dis-organized Labor · 09-25-2009, 12:08 PM

Outside of a book, a dog is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read

Groucho Marx

trplnkl · 09-26-2009, 05:32 AM

Random Thoughts for the Day:
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5.How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8.Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least a little tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11.You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14."Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever..
15.I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16.I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

moreluck · 09-27-2009, 06:34 AM

Work is the greatest thing in the world, so save some for tomorrow.

Oh Lord, help me to keep my big mouth shut until I know what I'm talking about.

moreluck · 09-28-2009, 07:29 AM

Demetri Martin Quotes.....

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no, problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'"

"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters."

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to him, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, "Does he bite?". She said "No." And I said, "Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?... Liar."

"I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille."

"I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else." And I said, "I am."

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs."

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and loser at the same time."

NHDRVR · 09-28-2009, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by moreluck

Demetri Martin Quotes.....

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no, problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'"

"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters."

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to him, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, "Does he bite?". She said "No." And I said, "Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?... Liar."

"I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille."

"I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else." And I said, "I am."

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs."

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and loser at the same time."

(still laughing...)

moreluck · 09-29-2009, 02:06 AM

Golf is a game that was invented to punish those who retire early.

"There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will." (Robert Frost)

moreluck · 10-02-2009, 05:43 PM

I think everyone should go to college, get a degree, and then spend six months as a bartender and six months as a cabdriver. Then they would really be educated.

Aerobics: a series of strenuous exercises which help convert fats, sugars and starches into aches, pains and cramps.

I just hope God grades on a curve.

In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations - it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.

Grant me the serenity to accept: the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the kind of money where I don't really care either way.