Good Quotes Part Deux

[moreluck]

A baby brightens up a home. Since ours came, the lights have been on all night!

Multitasking --- screwing up several things at once.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

[moreluck]

"Sound when stretched is music. Movement when stretched is dance. Mind when stretched is meditation. Life when stretched in celebration." ~Ravi Shankar~

People populate the world. Teachers civilize it.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

[moreluck]

Wisdom has two parts:
1) Having a lot to say.
2) Not saying it.

A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police.

[moreluck]

When you don't know where you're going...Every road will take you there.


When a habit begins to cost money it is called a hobby.

For the man who has everything...a calendar to remind him when his payments are due.


Q: What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?
A: A tourist.

[moreluck]

A Medicare patient awoke after surgery to find a sign propped up against his incision. It read: "This is a federal project showing your tax dollars at work."

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

[moreluck]

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

There's nothing wrong with a woman welcoming all men's advances, darling, as long as they are in cash.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor -

"Success is the ability to go from one.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.

[moreluck]

We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex, but congress can.

"Before becoming a mother I had a hundred theories on how to bring up children. Now I have seven children and only one theory: Love them, especially when they least deserve to be loved." (Kate Samperi)

You cannot stop the ongoing love affair between pasta sauce and your clothing.

[moreluck]

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

QUESTION: Did you hear about the karate champion who joined the army?
ANSWER: The first time he saluted, he nearly killed himself.

Ladies, when no one understands you, chocolate is there.

[moreluck]

Buffalo meat is getting more popular. I suppose soon we can expect cold cuts made from it....possibly called "buffaloney."

Each of our eyelashes has a "life span" of approximately five months.

[moreluck]

"If you always do what interests you, at least one person is pleased." ~Katherine Hepburn~


"Age is just a number. It's totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine."
~Joan Collins~


"Before I had my child, I thought that I understood the limits of my heart. It's extraordinary to have all those limits thrown out." ~Uma Thurman~


"Most of us have trouble juggling. The woman who says she doesn't is someone whom I admire but have never met. ~Barbara Walters~


"Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much. ~Oscar Wilde~


"Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life." ~Confucius~


"We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails." ~Dolly Parton~

[moreluck]

A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the construction barrels.

Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit but before the traffic begins to back up.

Sometimes silence is golden, other times it is just plain yellow.

[moreluck]

Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.

"Nothing on Earth so beautiful as the final haul on Halloween night." (Steve Almond)

Always hold your head up, but be careful to keep your nose at a friendly level.

Those obsessed with health are not healthy; the first requisite

[moreluck]

What?!?

• I can hold my own. But I'd rather hold yours.
• I love oral sex; it's the phone bill I hate.

• 
  
• Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.
  
• The reason we can't take it with us is because it goes before we do.
  
• MONEY IS THE ROOT TO ALL EVIL -- send $9.95 for more info
  
• Jell-O is just Kool-Aid with a hard-on!
  
• Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?
  
• Synonym: A word you can use when you can't spell the other one.

[moreluck]

Today the young kids dance so far apart, they know they're out on a date, but they don't know with whom.

Love's a peculiar thing. In order to get it, you have to give it. And when you get it, you have to give it back to keep it.

The hesitant out-of-state driver, waiting for traffic to clear, came to a complete stop on a freeway ramp. The traffic thinned but the intimidated driver still waited. Finally an infuriated voice yelled from the car behind, "The sign says to yield, not to give up."

"Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke." (Will Rogers)

I still have a full deck; I just shuffle slower now.

Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't go wrong all at once.

[moreluck]

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, and paradise is when you have none.

Give your troubles to God, he's up all night anyway.

"My grandmother is going to have to stop lying about her age because pretty soon I'm going to be older than she is."

[moreluck]

Beat me with the truth, don't torture me with lies.

Anyone who truly does believe that men are the equal of women has never watched a man wrap a Christmas present.

An old-timer is someone who remembers every detail of their life story, but cannot remember how many times they have told the same person.

The big problem with "fast" food is that it slows down when it hits your stomach. And it just parks there...and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for citizenship.

[moreluck]

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.
Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

"The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball." (Doug Larson)

"The elderly don't drive that badly; they're just the only ones with time to do the speed limit." (Jason Love)

[moreluck]

If your baby is beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on command, an angel all the time, you're the grandparents.

Enthusiasm can be like a fire that needs an occasional poke with a stick.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

[moreluck]

"Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can." (Danny Kaye)

"The difference between friends and pets is that friends we allow into our company, pets we allow into our solitude." (Robert Brault)

"A new medical study says that meat can almost be as bad for you as smoking. You know what's really bad? Second-hand meat." --Jay Leno

Three fourths of the Earth's surface is water, and one fourth is land.
Therefore, it follows quite clearly that the Lord intended us to spend three times more time fishing than taking care of the lawn.

[moreluck]

You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

*

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of SMART?

*

When the going gets tough, the tough get duct tape.

*

Join the Army. Meet interesting people. Then kill them.

[moreluck]

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life." (Berthold Auerbach)

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

"Not only is life a beeatch, but it is always having puppies." (Adrienne E. Gusoff)

[moreluck]

We discern a clever man by his answers and a wise one by his questions.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

[moreluck]

Political conventions consist of a donkey, an elephant, and a lot of bull.

All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second.

[moreluck]

"If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster." ~Clint Eastwood~

"Women have to harness their power. It's just learning not to take the first no. And if you can't go straight ahead, you go around the corner." ~Cher~

"Integrate what you believe in every single area of your life. Take your heart to work and ask the most and best of everybody else too." ~Meryl Streep~

"I've always been a big believer in equality. No one has ever been able to tell me I couldn't do something because I was a girl! ~Anne Hathaway~

"If we could first know where we are....we could then better judge what to do and how to do it. ~Abraham Lincoln~

[moreluck]

Be careful or you'll end up in my novel !!

Just be happy I'm not a twin.

So, this Irishman walks out of a bar.....No, really, it could happen!

I'll have a Cafe-Mocha Vodka-Valium Latte to go , please.