Good Quotes Part Deux

[moreluck]

In Florida a 96-year-old woman is running for mayor. When asked if she knew who she was running against, she said, "Time." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush's daughter Jenna has a new boyfriend and everybody in Washington is asking who's the lucky designated driver?" --Craig Ferguson

[moreluck]

"When you're twenty-five, fishing is a challenge. When you're forty-five, it's relaxation. When you're sixty-five, fishing is exercise. "

"The IRS is cutting back hours of its toll free telephone help line. Apparently, fewer Americans have incomes to report these days. "

"There's only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn what it is, I'll get married again."

[moreluck]

If you want a mate who is smart, rich and devoted...you're gonna have to get married three times."

"In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present." ~Tao Le Ching~

[moreluck]

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."
- Martin Luther King, Jr-

"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for."
- Maureen Dowd-

"To accomplish great things, we must dream as well as act."
- Anatole France-

[moreluck]

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
-Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

[moreluck]

Lingerie shop sign: "Like the government, we give aid to underdeveloped areas."

[moreluck]

Speaker to audience: "As I understand it, it's my job to speak and your job to listen. If you get finished before I do, please let me know"

"Dogs lick you because they love you - cats lick you because you had chicken for dinner."

"Fear is a darkroom where negatives develop." ~ Usman Asif

[moreluck]

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down.
-Robert Bench



If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James Thurber

[moreluck]

The three best things about teaching? Motivating young people, shaping the next generation and opening up young minds. Or perhaps it's June, July and August.

"A hug is the handshake from the heart".

"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of "May Day!"?

[moreluck]

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands
see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes
all the fun out of Halloween.

[moreluck]

Coming This Wednesday........

This coming Wednesday, at two minutes and three seconds past one o'clock in the morning, the time and date will be "01:02:03 04/05/06".

That won't happen again until the same time on April 5, 2106.

[moreluck]

Auditor: "Thank you for your estimated tax return. Now, would you like to hear your estimated prison sentence?"

"I feel there should be a better deadline for our taxes than April 15. How about February 31? "

[moreluck]

Whenever I hear a speaker say, "I just don't know where to begin!" some small voice within me says, "Near the end."

Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front of the store.

[moreluck]

"After I pay my taxes, I'm taking my family to Washington, DC. I want them to meet the folks I'm working for. "

"Vacations are no problem for me. My boss decides when I go, and my wife decides where."

"Poetry is something that every man loves, but only if it helps him get laid."

[moreluck]

"We put mistletoe over the door of our summer cottage so that when we see relatives coming we can kiss our vacation good-bye."

"Why is it that the closer you get to the ocean, the more seafood costs?"

"The most beautiful discovery true soul mates make is that they can grow separately without growing apart."

[moreluck]

"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." (Oscar Wilde)

"Some people are so lazy, that they don't even exercise good judgement!"

"The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!"

"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"

[fieldhand49]

"You are so slow, that it takes you 1 hour and 30 minutes to watch 60 minutes.

[moreluck]

"Tell your boss what you really think about him and the truth shall set you free. "

"My tax accountant is an understanding man. He has an office with a recovery room. "

"Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about."

[moreluck]

Joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the kids are in bed.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

[moreluck]

"If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door."

-Paul Beatty-

[moreluck]

Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business," always be followed by the word "but"?

"Every time you lend money to a friend, you damage his memory."

[moreluck]

"The older I get the better I used to be."

"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing... that's why we recommend it daily." -Zig Ziglar-

Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!" - Robin Williams