Good Quotes Part Deux

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Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.

"One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again." ~Jim Carrey~

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The best way to appreciate your children is to imagine yourself without them.

Your body is a temple, but how long can you live in the same house before you redecorate?

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"Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle."


"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake." (Henry Youngman)

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

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Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak. Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."

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"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." - Sam Levenson


Happiness is often the result of being too busy to be miserable.


Nothing is ever gained without risk: You can't steal second base and still keep one foot on first.

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Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

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When the Lord said, "Go forth, be fruitful and multiply!" He didn't necessarily have Math teachers in mind.

"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all." (Robert Orben)

A computer can make as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working for 20 years.

Zsa Zsa Gabor was the first - and only - recipient of a Golden Globe Award for "Most Glamorous Actress." She won the peculiar award in 1958. The category was deleted thereafter.

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"No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement."

"The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents."

"You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was." (Irish Proverb)

I still have a full deck; I just shuffle slower now.

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The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
- Noelie Altito

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
- Ken Dodd

One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool
--Edgar Watson Howe

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Unknown

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"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder." - Alfred Hitchcock

"A lot of people die at forty, but they aren’t buried until 30 years later." (General George S. Patton)

"Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it faster, too."

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From Calvin & Hobbes

"Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It's like saying I don't deserve it!" Bill Watterson (Calvin - "There's Treasure Everywhere")


I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.
Bill Watterson (Calvin - "The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes")


To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.
Bill Watterson (Calvin - "It's a Magical World")
"You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help." Bill Watterson (Calvin - It's a Magical World")

"If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again." Bill Watterson (Calvin - "Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat")

"Real Childhood is short, maturity is forever."
Bill Watterson (Calvin - "The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes")


Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?
Bill Watterson (Calvin - "Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons")


"As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway."
Bill Watterson (Calvin - "The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes")

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*Sign on the door of a marriage license bureau: 'Out to Lunch. Think it over.'

"Family planning has many misconceptions."

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"If you worry about what people think of you, it shows you think more of their opinion than your own. "

"The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents."

"You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was." (Irish Proverb)

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True love is the willingness to compromise.
He agrees to cut back on red meat. She agrees that beer is a vegetable!

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

Don't go to a class reunion. There'll be a lot of old people there claiming to be your classmates.

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Visits always give pleasure, if not the arrival, the departure.

Every time you are with your dog, one of you is training the other.

Sometimes when a speaker has his audience on the edge of their seats, it's because they are trying to muster the nerve to get up and go home.

Alcohol preserves everything but not dignity

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A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.


"If a man works like a horse for his money, there are a lot of girls anxious to take him down the bridal path."

Before following a leader it is wise to see if he is headed in the right direction.

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"The best way to win an argument is to begin by being right."

"In China, do you think they call their good dishes America?" ~Wendy Liebman~

He's so old his blood type has been discontinued.

I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone.

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"I love the nights I can't remember with the friends I can't forget."

Good friends are like good bras.....hard to find, comfortable, supportive and always close to your heart.

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At last count, more than two-hundred million trees have been cut down to provide paper for books to warn us about wasting our natural resources.

Scientists have discovered that a man can be frozen in a state of suspended animation for up to five years without losing his job at the post office.

There are no new sins... the old ones just get more publicity

A grandmother is a baby-sitter who watches kids instead of television.

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Every flower that ever bloomed had to go through a whole lot of dirt to get there.

"I'll tell you what kind of guy I was. If you ordered a boxcar full of sons-of-bitches and opened the door and only found me inside, you could consider the order filled." (Robert Mitchum)

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Be a father. You son has friends his own age, no boy needs a forty-year-old pal.

The money in a bank account is a little like toothpaste: easy to take out, but hard to put back in.

The best way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.

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"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your