Good Quotes Part Deux

[moreluck]

When the Pope makes a state visit he travels in his Popemobile It has two buttons. If it is sunny, he presses one, and it opens the roof. If it is raining, he presses the other and it stops raining.

A good scare is worth more than good advice.

Peace on earth will come to stay, When we live Christmas every day. - Helen Steiner Rice

A bore is a person who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.

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When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for
Christmas.

Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the
Christmas season are "Peace on Earth", "Goodwill to Men" and
"Batteries not included."

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The rooster isn't unpopular because he gets up early; it's because he has so much to say about it.

The longest wait in the world is after the nurse tells you to get undressed because the doctor will be with you in a moment.

I disagree with my psychiatrist's assertion that I'm depressed because I have a serotonin imbalance. I'm pretty sure the real reason is: My life sucks.

The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market. The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds."

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Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my right hand.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

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Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don't quite know how to put our love into words. -- Harlan Miller

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one!

"Take nothing but pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing but time."

I'm now old enough to personally identify every object in antique stores.

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A bad attitude is like a flat tire ... You ain't going no where till you change it.

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.

If the outlook is dark, try the uplook.

"The kind of ancestors we have is not as important as the kind of descendants our ancestors have."

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"Television is a medium because anything well done is rare." - Fred Allen

"The waist is a terrible thing to mind." - Ziggy(Tom Wilson)

"When the mouse laughs at the cat, there is a hole nearby." - Nigerian Proverb

It's a good thing that the wheel was invented before the car, otherwise the scraping noise would be awful.

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A politician stands for what he thinks the public will fall for.


Even the darkest hour has only 60 minutes."


When actress Sophia Loren sobbed to movie director Vittorio De Sica over the theft of her jewelry, he lectured her: "Listen to me, Sophia. I am much older than you and one great truth I've learned about life....is this, never cry over anything that can't cry over you."

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I can't decide which happy holiday movie I want to go see. It's either "Apocalypto" or "Blood Diamond"! I can't decide." --Jay Leno

"Nicole Richie – how about this – was arrested for D.U.I. Now, this is serious – she knew she was in trouble when the cops slapped the cuffs around her waist." --Dave Letterman

"According to a new study that just came out, smoking pot regularly does not lead to harder drugs. In fact the study shows that smoking pot regularly does not lead to doing much of anything." --Conan O'Brien

"Half of American consumers are buying gift cards this Christmas. The other half are women." --Jay Leno

"Mel Gibson's 'Apocalypto' is a big hit. The movie is in ancient Mayan. If I want to see a movie that is in an incomprehensible language I'll just go see 'Rocky'." --Dave Letterman

"Kevin Federline might be competing in an upcoming pro- wrestling event. I never thought I would ever say this, but I expected better out of pro-wrestling." --Conan O'Brien

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Have no fear of perfection, you'll never reach it.

A first-grade teacher was going through the alphabet with her class. She asked one little boy, "What comes after g?" The pupil said, "Whiz"

“The economy is weird.” Remarked one worker to another. “My bank failed before the toaster did.”

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"It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others."

"Just because you're necessary doesn't mean you're important."

"If you're not part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem."

"It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black."

"You can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination and an endless supply of expendable labor."

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My friend has a sixteen-month-old. The baby's crawling around and he has an accident in his diaper. And the mother comes over and says, "Isn't that adorable? Brandon made a gift for Daddy." I'm thinking this guy must be real easy to shop for on Father's day. - Garry Shandling


Too often an abandoned child is one who is still living with their parents.

"Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!" (Golda Meir)

Years ago we discovered the exact point, the dead center of middle age. It occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush to the net.

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Anyone who is under 30, and is not a liberal has no heart; and anyone who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
- Winston Churchill -

"I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."

I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe somebody can adopt you.

Making mistakes isn't stupid; disregarding them is.

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Sex differences are here to stay.

Talking is used to hide one's inability to act.

The cruelest disappointment is when you let yourself down.

The grass is brown on both sides of the fence.

The longer the title the less important the job.

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Nowadays, while you are teaching your kids how to behave in polite society, you have to wonder whether they will ever find it.

A tourist was in New York and decided he'd have a bit of fun at the expense of one of the locals. He went up to a New Yorker and said, "Did you see a truckload of monkeys go by here?" The New Yorker said, "Why? Did you fall off?"

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

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Q. What is the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?
A. A hunter lies in wait and a fisherman waits and lies.
"
A volunteer firefighter was grocery shopping when his pager went off. He ran out, leaving his cart in an aisle. When he returned he found the cart full with his list on top and a note reading: "I finished your shopping for you. Thanks for helping the community."

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.

Diplomat: A person who thinks twice before saying nothing.

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"Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it." (Richard Lamm)

Gleen Gould was a musical prodigy. He once told an interviewer, "I was always precocious and prolific. At three I composed a minuet. At four I wrote a symphony. And at five I finished a complete opera. And at five-thirty, as usual, I went into the kitchen and drank a cup of tea."

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited... until you try to sit in their pews.

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Odd things animals: All dogs look up at you. All cats look down at you. Only a pig looks at you as an equal.

What this country needs is a car that will go no faster than its driver can think.

Youth is a gift of nature, age is a work of art.

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Strive always to be like a good watch:
- open faced
- busy hands
- pure gold
- well regulated
- full of good works

"Do what you can and then pray that God will give you the power to do what you cannot."

"You can fly, but that cocoon has got to go."

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"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends." - Scott Ostler

I believe in being proactive. Yesterday, I found a Jehovah's Witness neighborhood and went door to door telling them I wasn't interested.

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

Here's the slogan for this country: "America, 20 million illegal aliens can't be wrong."

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The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

Adult education is a strenuous effort to learn about things that bored you when you were still young enough to benefit from them.

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"For Christmas I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweater with a bull's-eye on the back." - Rodney Dangerfield

"You know the Yule log they show on TV every year. You know, the log in the fireplace burning. Now one of the cable net- works is now showing the Yule log in HDTV. This way you can see with absolute clarity that you have no life." - Jay Leno

Sign on high school bulletin board - "Free: every Monday through Friday. Knowledge. Bring your own container."

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"Santa Claus has the right idea Visit people once a year." - Victor Borge

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve.

"It's true, everybody is in the holiday spirit. Last night, Bill Clinton saw the 'Nutcracker.' Not the ballet, Hillary." ---David Letterman

The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts,
With purchases little and large;
She doesn't believe in Santa Claus...
Because she has her Master Charge!

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"Santa Claus has the right idea Visit people once a year." - Victor Borge

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve.

"It's true, everybody is in the holiday spirit. Last night, Bill Clinton saw the 'Nutcracker.' Not the ballet, Hillary." ---David Letterman

The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts,
With purchases little and large;
She doesn't believe in Santa Claus...
Because she has her Master Charge!

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Careful grooming may take twenty years off a woman's age, but you can't fool a flight of stairs.

Some people are saving their money for a rainy day. But, for most of us, a light mist would wipe us out.

One good thing can be said for all airline food: it's served in small portions.