Good Quotes Part Deux

[moreluck]

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

[moreluck]

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

Nobody notices when things go right.

Before repeating anything a little bird told you, make sure it wasn't a cuckoo.

We can teach our children to count, and we can also teach them what counts.

When the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray .

[moreluck]

Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

"It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air." (W. T. Ellis)

Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.


"Christmas--that magic blanket that wraps itself about us, that something so intangible that it is like a fragrance. It may weave a spell of nostalgia. Christmas may be a day of feasting, or of prayer, but always it will be a day of remembrance--a day in which we think of everything we have ever loved." (Augusta E. Rundell)


Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf!

[moreluck]

All my life I said I wanted to be somebody I can see now that
I should have been more specific.

All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

[moreluck]

The National Enquirer reported Wednesday that John Edwards got a young lady pregnant while campaigning for president this summer. This can only mean one thing. John Edwards has decided he won't concede the adultery vote to the Clintons without a fight. -Argus Hamilton-

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

What do batteries run on?

[moreluck]

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

[moreluck]

In 1492 Columbus didn't know where he was going,
had a mutinous crew, and was entirely dependent on borrowed money. Today he'd be a political candidate.

Women don't make fools of men; most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

"There is science, logic, reason; there is thought verified by experience. And then there is California."

[moreluck]

It's extraordinary how all of the news that happens in the world every day exactly fits in the newspaper.

You can clutch your past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.

It's not always a good sign when a political campaign picks up speed, it may mean that it's going downhill.

[moreluck]

"Democracy is necessary to peace and to undermining the forces of terrorism." (Benazir Bhutto...1953-2007)

[moreluck]

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."

It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.

[moreluck]

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

Intelligence is like a river, the deeper it is, the less noise it makes.

I used to think I could pass gas silently until I got my hearing aid.

The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

[moreluck]

"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn no other way." - Mark Twain

Life is like melted butter. . .once things cool down, it can be reshaped!"

"The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast."

[moreluck]

Famed columnist Westbrook Pegler (1894-1969) once published a New Years Day column comprising a single sentence, repeated fifty times. The sentence? "I will never mix gin, beer, and whiskey again."

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happens? I eat faster.

"Sometimes you just have to take the leap, and build your wings on the way down."

If gravity exists, why is it harder to drop a girl than to pick one up?

Attitudes are contagious. Is yours worth catching?

[moreluck]

The hula dance is simple. You put some grass on one hip, some grass on the other hip, and then you rotate the crops.

A parking space is where you leave your car to have all those annoying little dents put into it.

"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and..... the lawn mower is broken!

My little five-year-old cousin watches way too much TV. I asked him what sound a duck makes, and he said, "AFLAC!"

Save the turtles - Don't wax your car.

[moreluck]

If you don't believe lead can be changed into gold, wait till you get a bill from your plumber


The world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. (Bob Hope)

Have you heard about the new medication that is both an aphrodisiac and laxative? It's called "Easy Come, Easy Go."

[moreluck]

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.

[moreluck]

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.



The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

We have 35 million laws to enforce the Ten Commandments.

Did you hear about the family who owned an English pointer and an Irish setter? The dogs get together at Christmas time and have pointsetters.

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? Its true....Comet cleans sinks!

[moreluck]

Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and
great wizards in emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch.

Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

A man with one watch knows what time it is.
A man with two watches is never sure.

[moreluck]

You should study not only that you become a mother when your child is born, but also that you become a child­.

A publishing company made a Bible for teens. You can tell it's for teens because at one point Moses tells Pharaoh, "We're so out of here!"

There are always two sides to every argument, and to hold public office you have to be for both of them.

[moreluck]

If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why it's recommend it daily."

Imagine what the world would sound like if the inventor of the telephone had been Alexander Graham Siren.

Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.