Good Quotes Part Deux

[moreluck]

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)

The secret of happiness is to make others believe they are the cause of it. Al Batt, in National Enquirer

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965)

The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions. Alfred Lord Tennyson (1809 - 1892)

A person is never happy except at the price of some ignorance. Anatole France (1844 - 1924)

[traveler]

This is a great explanation of the tax rebate program recently enacted by Congress. If you don't understand how it will work maybe this explanation will help:

50,000 people went to a baseball game, but the game was rained out. A refund was then due to the ticket holders.

The team was about to mail refunds when a group of Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out the ticket refunds based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness.

Originally the refunds were to be paid based on the price each person had paid for the tickets. Unfortunately that meant most of the refund money would be going to the ticket holders that had purchased the most expensive tickets. This, according to the DNC, is considered totally unfair. A decision was then made to pay out the refunds in this manner:

People in the $10 seats will get back $15. After all, they have less money to spend on tickets to begin with. Call it an 'Earned Income Ticket Credit.' Persons 'earn' it by having few skills, poor work habits, and low ambition, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.

People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because it 'seems fair.'

People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, they must not be paying enough taxes.

People in the $75 luxury box seats will each have to pay an additional $25 because it's the 'right thing to do'.

People walking past the stadium that couldn't afford to buy a ticket for the game each will get a $10 refund, even though they didn't pay anything for the tickets. They need the most help. They are either lazy or think that society owes them for just being born. Sometimes this is known as Affirmative Action.

Now do you understand?

If not, contact Representative
Nancy Pelosi or Senators Hillary Clinton or Barak Obama for assistance.

[moreluck]

There is always one more SOB than you counted on.

To insure good health, eat lightly, breathe deeply, live moderately, cultivate cheerfulness, and maintain an interest in life.

A three-year-old gave this reaction to her Christmas dinner: "I don't like the turkey, but I like the bread he ate."

The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors.

[moreluck]

As far as I'm concerned, "whom" is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.

I would play peek-a-boo with babies, but the game has no official ending.

Yes, beer qualifies as an appetizer.

Life is a circus and I'm stuck in the Freak Tent.

I'm so far behind, I thought I was first.

6-6-7 = Evil and then some.

[moreluck]

Today's standards of performance are
yesterday's standards of excellence and
tomorrow's standards of mediocrity.

Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.

There is no key to happiness. The door is always open. Come on in.

A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.

He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

[moreluck]

Pennies from heaven are soon followed by a tax collector from hell.

Living in the past has one thing in its favor; it's cheaper.

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.

Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

[moreluck]

"ABC News aired a debate between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton Wednesday. It was the Democratic party's twenty-first debate. No one wants to say it feels like this presidential campaign will never end but the debates are now old enough to drink."

"The Transportation Department ordered airlines to pay passengers who get bumped from flights a penalty payment. The government ordered airlines to pay passengers eight hundred dollars for each bump. The Washington D.C. madam is going to jail for less."

"A Los Angeles jury on Thursday convicted two elderly women dubbed the Black Widows for buying life insurance policies on homeless men and then running them over with their car and killing them. It was a stupid scheme. As much money as they spent on gasoline to run these guys over, the entire insurance payout went straight to Exxon. "

Argus Hamilton

[moreluck]

Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of "May Day!"?

It’s tax time. I saw this the other day: The United States government takes a third of your money. A third. My God, it’s like being married to Heather Mills.

I'm not the kind-of guy who objects to my wife having the last word.
I'd just wish to hell she'd get to it !


"The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing." (Phyllis Diller)

[moreluck]

Erma Bombeck’s Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

"Q: "What has recording alone taught you?"
Paul McCartney: "That to make your own decisions about what you do is easy, and playing with yourself is very difficult but satisfying."

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." - Mark Twain

"I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it is true lightness." – Alicia Silverstone!

[moreluck]

T-Shirt Slogans.....

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old)

Wrinkled wasn't one of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

"Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog."

"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

[dilligaf]

GOOD:


In Elkins, a West Virginia State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem.


A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD!' The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER:


A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an


automated radar post in Fairmont, WV A $40 speeding ticket was


included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST:
A young woman was pulled over in Morgantown, WV for speeding. As the WV State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the West Virginia State Police Ball.' He replied, ' West Virginia State Troopers don't have balls.'


There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[dilligaf]

[dilligaf]

Gas to drive stolen car to the 7-11 store: $10.00

Winter hoodie jacket with large inside pocket to conceal identity and carry gun: $85.00

9mm handgun purchased from Bro-Jay up the block: $150.00

Failure to master holding onto your weapon during your planned armed robbery: PRICELESS


(Watch closely...it repeats itself)

[moreluck]

"Pope Benedict was given a parade up Fifth Avenue in Manhattan Saturday. It was a novel sight. Usually when two million New Yorkers drop to their knees and call out the name of Jesus Christ, it means the Yankees just blew another late-inning lead. "

~Argus Hamilton~

[moreluck]

Success can be relative, the more you succeed, the more relatives may descend on you.

Why must the phrase "it's none of my business" always be followed by the word "but"?

The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck is the day they start making vacuum cleaners.

Q: What do you get when you mix Holy Water and Prune Juice?
A: A Religious Movement.

[moreluck]

"The devil himself had probably redesigned Hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."

"Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances." (Jay Leno)

A moralist is one who wants you to live your life his way.

You may succeed if nobody else believes in you, but you will never succeed if you don't believe in yourself.

[moreluck]

Mexicans only cross the border 1 at a time; 2 at a time and 4 at a time; but never 3 at a time. The sign says no TRES PASSING...

Only one man in a million understands the international situation, and it is odd how often we run into him.

Bumper sticker spotted in Nashville. "Do you believe in love at first sight, or shall I drive by again?"

I almost fell in love with a psychic but he left me before we met.

Advice is like cooking - you should try it before you feed it to others.

[moreluck]

"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance." - Franklin P. Jones

When I first went to Las Vegas it was for fun. Now it's for revenge.

"Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet." (Chinese Proverb)

[Hedley_Lamarr]

Beer is proof that God loves us, and wants us to be happy....Ben Franklin...