Good Quotes Part Deux

[moreluck]

Diplomat:

A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.

Successful people are not people without problems - they are people who have learned to solve their problems.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. - Charles Schulz

Doing more things faster is no substitute for doing the right things.

Gossip is like a river... It can always be traced back to its source.

A smile is a language even a baby understands. It costs nothing but it creates much. It happens in a flash but the memory of it may last forever. Keep on smiling!

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A mother can touch a whole generation just by loving her own child well.

Raising kids is like being pecked to death by a chicken.

If you listed ten smart people, who would be the other nine?

Friendship is not a big thing, it's a million little things.

[moreluck]

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
--Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
--Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
--William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
--Ernest Hemingway about (William Faulkner)

"He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul."
--David Lloyd George

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
--Moses Hadas

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If life is a game, just once I'd like to make the playoffs.

Promises are like snowballs - easy to make but hard to keep.

Go the extra mile. It's never crowded.

I laugh, therefore I pee.

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Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irishfuneral?A: One less drunk.

"Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own." (Aristotle)

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Celebrities Say the Darndest Things

"Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs

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I read recipes the same way
I read science fiction.
I get to the end and say,
"Well, that's not going to happen."

Did you ever notice that when you fall in love you sink into his arms, but after the wedding your arms are in his sink?

The work will wait while you show the children the rainbow. But the rainbow won't wait while you finish your work.

We may not have it all together; but together we have it all.

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"Spring shows what God can do with a drab and dirty world."

Definition of an elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.

Women are hard to figure out. They love lingerie and they love garage sales, but they don't seem to like getting garage-sale lingerie as a gift.

April showers bring May mold.

[moreluck]

• Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
• Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment
• .
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
• .
• Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

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On Driving:

• Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.
• If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
• If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!
• Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.
• Follow that car, Godzilla - and step on it!
• Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind.
• (Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!
• Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
• Honk If you want to see my finger.
• If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
• Driver carries no cash. He's married.
• Watch out for the idiot behind me.
• Honk if you hate peace and quiet.

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A Minneapolis, Minnesota, high school teacher hung this sign under the clock in her classroom: Time will pass...will you?

Q: What is an Arkansas fortune cookie?
A: A biscuit with a food stamp inside.


"Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy
driving cabs and cutting hair." -- George Burns

Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.

Be yourself. No one can ever tell you you're doing it wrong.

"I had the worst study habits, the lowest grades... then I found out what I was doing wrong. I was highlighting with a black Magic Marker"

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If school results were the key to power, girls would be running the world.

The downside of being an atheist is that when you die your tombstone will probably read: All dressed up and no place to go.

Making the most of today is the best preparation for tomorrow.

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The Los Angeles Lakers play the San Antonio Spurs and the Boston Celtics play the Detroit Pistons in NBA conference finals. The playoffs have been a long slog. Hillary Clinton was last seen telling the Cleveland Cavaliers we can still win this thing.

~Argus Hamilton~

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Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.

It's amazing how many beautiful women walk into your life the week before you get married.

Father answering phone: No, this is not your dreamboat, this is his supply ship.

Women like silent men; they think we're listening.

One good thing about having a woman for president--we wouldn't have to pay her as much.

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GOLF QUOTES........

Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players: "They throw their clubs backwards and sideways, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."

Tommy Bolt: "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."

Jimmy Demaret: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."

Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."

Lee Trevino: "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron."

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Buying on time used to mean you got to the store before it closed.

The quickest way to make someone ignore you is to start a sentence with "You should ..."

The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.

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"Some can trace their family back 300 years, but can't tell you where their
children are tonight."

A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue.

Rodney Dangerfield once professed to feel sorry for short people. Why? "When it rains," he explained, "they're the last to know."

"Sure the Pilgrams had a lot to be thankful, all there in-laws were back in Europe."

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What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive?

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing -
and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

One of the most successful inventors of all time
was the man who invented the hay-bailing machine.
Needless to say, he made a bundle.

Truth is the cry of all, but the game of the few.

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Golf Quotes.....

"Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."

16. John Updike: "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five."

17. "Silk Stockings" TV Show: "The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."

18. Gerald Ford: "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."

19. P.G. Wodehouse: "The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."

[moreluck]

Spend Your Day Well

If you planted hope today in any hopeless heart-

If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part-

If you caused a laugh that chased some tears away-

If tonight your name is named when someone kneels to pray-

Then your day has been well spent.