Good Quotes Part Deux

[moreluck]

Hillary Clinton dropped hints to Barack Obama's campaign Tuesday she might want to be his running mate. She'd be a great choice. Hillary's been Plan B every night for the past thirty-two years, so there is nobody more qualified to be vice president.


Father Michael Pfleger was suspended by the Chicago archbishop Tuesday for his rant mocking Hillary at Obama's church. It made the church look terrible. Whoever thought that sex scandals involving altar boys would be considered the good old days?

~Argus Hamilton~

[moreluck]

"The man who graduates today and stops learning tomorrow is uneducated the day after." (Newton D. Baker)

I'm trying very hard to understand the younger generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week.
- Erma Bombeck -

My husband had an eye infection that was diagnosed as ocular herpes. His physician wasn't about to let him live that one down. "So, Fred," he joked, "been looking for love in all the wrong places?"

"How pleasant is the day when we give up striving to be young... or slender." (William James)

"Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age...as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." (Phyllis Diller)

[moreluck]

"Walking isn't a lost art - one must, by some means, get to the garage."

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.

"Keep your sense of humor. As General Joe Stillwell said, 'The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind.'"

[moreluck]

In California, a high school student who's an illegal immigrant is about to be deported, but since he's the school's valedictorian, he's asking President Bush to help. Bush told the valedictorian, "Don't worry, I'll never let them send you back to Valedictoria."


In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.


Brigitte Bardot was fined twenty thousand dollars by a French court last week for saying she thinks the influx of Muslims is ruining France. It doesn't seem fair. Hate speech can get you jail time in France while in America it gets you a radio show. ~Argus Hamilton~

[moreluck]

Nowadays they spend twenty thousand dollars for a school bus to pick the kids up at the door so they don't have to walk. Then they spend two hundred thousand dollars for a gym so they can get some exercise.

If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

"Blessed are the peacemakers; they will never be out of a job."

An optimist is a person who starts putting on his shoes when the lecturer says, "and now in conclusion..."

[moreluck]

"His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open."
--Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
--Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
--Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
--Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
--Jack E. Leonard

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
--Abraham Lincoln

[moreluck]

Hillary Clinton remained holed up inside her home in Chappaqua Tuesday for the third straight day without any public appearances. She's not upset. Just to show there's no hard feelings, she sent Barack Obama a crate of tomatoes and a horse's head. ~Argus Hamilton~

Some people complain because the roses have thorns. Others give thanks because the thorns have roses.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

[moreluck]

Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy ice cream, and that's close enough.

The soul is healed by being with children.

"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is." ~ Sir Francis Bacon ~

[moreluck]

"A budget tells us what we can't afford, but it doesn't keep us from buying it." (William Feather)

A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

Who tastes dog food when it has a 'new & improved' flavor?

[moreluck]

"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it."
--Groucho Marx

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
--Groucho Marx

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
--Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
--Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
--James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

[moreluck]

Even when freshly washed and
relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

Education and intelligence aren't the same thing!

A teacher was asked to fill out a special questionnaire for the state. One question said, "Give two reasons for entering the teaching profession." The teacher wrote, "July and August."

Among the most effective labor-saving devices is the neighbor who hasn't returned your garden tools.

A good time to keep you mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest natural resources which must be preserved at all costs. ~James Thurber~

[moreluck]

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
--Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
--Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
--Mark Twain

"A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity."
--Mark Twain

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
--Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
--Mae West

[moreluck]

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the
unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness,

Psychiatrist to patient: "You have nothing to worry about - anyone who can pay my bill is certainly not a failure."

The trouble with economics is that there are more ways to go into debt than there are ways to get out of it.

At the dinner table help yourself more by helping yourself less.

You know you've reached middle age when your weight lifting consists solely of standing up.

Happiness is finding your glasses soon enough to remember why you wanted them in the first place.

Brute force, no matter how strongly applied, can never subdue the basic human desire for freedom.

[moreluck]

"You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises." - Etta May

"Humor is a rubber sword...it allows you to make a point without drawing blood." (Mary Hirsch)

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Good days give you happiness. Bad days give you experiences. Both are essential to life, so keep going.

[moreluck]

"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a- rope." (Bill Cosby)

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door." (Milton Berle)

"If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"
Art Hoppe.

"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn."
Fulton Sheen.

[moreluck]

Barack Obama was televised attending a new church in Chicago Sunday. Democrats today are happy to display their religious faith. Walter Mondale once said there's no place for God in politics, and apparently God felt the same way about Walter Mondale.
~Argus Hamilton~

[moreluck]

A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.

My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

[moreluck]

Q: What do they call condoms in Germany?
A: Weinerhosen

Keep smiling. People will wonder what you're up too.

An election year is the time politicians want to help us out of all the trouble they got us into in the first place.

By the time some of us have grown old enough to have learned to always read the fine print, we can barely see it.

[moreluck]

Hug your kids at home and belt them in the car.

A word of advice - don't give it.

As the price of food increases, sales of Spam are up. Ever wondered what they put in Spam? There's a clue in the name. S - P - A - M. Those letters stand for -- Skunk, Possum, Armadillo, Mole.

If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner,
And take to light claret instead of pale ale;
Look down with an utter contempt upon butter,
And never touch bread till its toasted--or stale.

[moreluck]

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road." (Henry Ward Beecher)

"If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences."
William Sunday.

"I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album."
Rita Rudner.

"In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it."
Dave Thomas.

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."
George Burns.