Good Quotes Part Deux

[moreluck]

Why is master a title of respect but mistress not?

Why do we use the word playboy to describe lecherous old men?

"I love the nights I can't remember with the friends I can't forget."

"It doesn't matter where you go in life....It's who you have beside you."

"Oh my God....my mother was right about everything."

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Just wondering.........


If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change.
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool LANE?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?



Why did you just try singing the two songs above?




Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your Ass ?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

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Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.

"If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?" (Sydney J. Harris)

Money cannot buy happiness but it lets you be unhappy in nice places.

Q: What keeps the oceans clean?
A: Tide

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If advertisers spent the same amount of money on
improving their products as they do on advertising they wouldn't have to advertise them.


So how do I pick a president?
Much the same way I choose a driver to the airport. Which one will cost me the least, and not get me killed.


Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ......
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

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"There are so many things that we wish we had done yesterday, so few that we feel like doing today."

Isn't it ironic that a typical government committee will keep minutes and waste hours?

Why, when men say they don't understand women, are so many self- help books written by men and targeted at women?

Let a smile be your umbrella and you'll end up with wet teeth.

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People want every machine to be perfect, with the exception of the bathroom scale.

When we retire from work and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, our colleagues generally present us with a watch.

If you want to stay young, associate with young people; if you want to feel your age, try to match their pace.

The only safe thing to do behind a person's back is to pat it.

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"Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine." (Lord Byron)

Why do sixty-year-old male actors get to play action heroes while female actors of the same age play their mothers?


Rare book: One that comes back after you've lent it.


There are no burdens when everybody lifts...

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Laughter is the cheapest luxury we have. It stirs up the blood, expands the chest, electrifies the nerves, cleans away the cobwebs from the brain, and gives the whole system a cleansing rehabilitation.

A hard thing about business is minding your own.

The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs...one step at a time.

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I believed the art of conversation perhaps was dead until I waited outside a telephone booth.

The tip you leave now for lunch would have bought you one twenty years ago.

Passion: A feeling you feel when you feel a feeling you've never felt before.

Set aside half an hour every day to do all your worrying; then take a nap during this period.

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When the talk is good, the feeling easy, the laughter light, the memories many, and the time too short, you know you are with a friend.

QUESTION: What's the definition of Perfect Pitch?
ANSWER: When you toss a banjo into a dumpster and it hits an accordion.

The psychiatrist got a postcard one morning from one of his patients. It read, "Having a wonderful time. Wish you were here so you could tell me why."

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The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, while nature cures the disease.

Man has learned to fly as the birds do. Now all he must do is find how to do it silently.

Your body is the baggage you must carry through life. The more excess baggage, the shorter the trip.

The happiest person in the world is a vegetarian looking at the prices in the meat market.

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Backpacking: An extended form of hiking in which people carry double the amount of gear they need for half the distance they planned to go in twice the time it should take.

Our daughter signed up for shop class because she thought it meant visiting different malls.

July is the month when parents are again reminded why schoolteachers need such a long summer vacation.

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The next time you want to wish someone a happy birthday, do it George Bush style..........

"Celebrificate Your Bornfulness ! "

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There are two sides to all arguments, and they are usually married to one another.

One thing wrong with the younger generation: Most of us aren't one of them anymore.

Why is it in this progressive age they can make almost everything wrinkle resistant except people?

A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase.

Why are men allowed to go topless in public even when some of them have bigger breasts than women?

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Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.

Normal: A setting on a washing machine.

Health: The slowest possible rate of dying.

Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.

Boy: A noise with dirt on it.

Sleep: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.

Cynic: Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket.

Witlag: The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke.

Skier: Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them.

[moreluck]

The alternative to a vacation is to stay
home and tip every third person you see.

[moreluck]

Why are "trophy wives" rewards for success and achievement when "boy toys" are objects of ridicule"

Advertising pest control slogan: Zero return on infestment.

"The government of China announced that during the Olympics it will ban restaurants from serving dog meat. Which brings new meaning to the phrase, "Hello, Kitty." - Conan O'Brien

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The Georgia Bulldogs were voted number one in the AP annual pre-season college football poll Friday, despite eight arrests and six suspensions. The state is in an uproar but not over football player misconduct. They think the Russians are coming.

John McCain outperformed Barack Obama at the Saddleback Church forum in Orange County, California, Saturday. He can sense the nation's mood. Americans are sick and tired of inspiration and unity and soaring rhetoric, they want to invade somebody.

Fox News reported rumors Monday that Hillary Clinton was getting a little work done on her face before the convention. It's quite unnecessary. If she wants to have surgery to help her get elected president, it's going to have to be a sex change.

~Argus Hamilton~

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Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.

If a society consisting of men and women is content to apply progress and education to one half of itself, such a society is weakened by half.

Confucius say "House without toilet is uncanny."