Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

1981 & 2005 - two interesting years.

>
> Interesting Year 1981
> 1. Prince Charles got married
> 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
> 3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
> 4. Pope Died
>
> Interesting Year 2005
> 1. Prince Charles got married
> 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
> 3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
> 4. Pope Died
>
> Lesson Learned
> The next time Charles gets married...someone better warn the
Pope.

[Big Babooba]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?Here is a little test that will help you decide.The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Democrat's Answer :Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?What does the law say about this situation? Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1?Why is this street so deserted?We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus......................................... ..........................
Republican's Answer: BANG!............................................. .....................
Redneck's Answer:BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG !Click..... (Sounds of reloading)BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG! Click. Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! 'Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

[moreluck]

Trial of man accused of failing to report for jury duty postponed, due to lack of jurors

by The Republican Newsroom Tuesday July 22, 2008, 1:53 PM




By KEN ROSS
kross@repub.com

WESTFIELD - In an ironic twist, the jury trial of a Holyoke man who refused to report for jury duty, was continued today due to a lack of jurors.

Michael Franco, 45, is on trial in Westfield District Court for failing to report for jury duty in 2006 in Westfield.

Franco requested the trial because he has previously said he believes there are systematic problems with the state's trial system.

A total of eight jurors were impaneled for Tuesday's trial. Three were dismissed including two at Franco's request. By law, the plaintiff or defendant in a case can each request to have two jurors dismissed without giving a reason. A total of six jurors were needed for this trial.

Franco's court case is scheduled to resume at 9 a.m. Wednesday in Westfield District Court.

Earlier this morning, Judge Rita Koenigs refused to dismiss charges against Franco, a city veterans' services officer.

Franco, 45, who is charged with twice failing to report for jury duty, has said he refused because the state Trial Court is "systematically corrupted and politically motivated."

Franco has said he bases his argument on personal experience during a custody battle with his ex-wife about their 10-year-old daughter. He said the court is biased against "heterosexual men and fathers."

Franco, a failed candidate for Governor's Council, state representative and City Council, is running again for the 8th District seat on the Governor's Council now held by Thomas T. Merrigan and has made previous statements concerning his position about the court system. The council acts on nominations from the governor for judicial appointments.

[moreluck]

Love that pig



If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it !)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)





The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes.. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)




The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)



Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals thatcannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy factsand send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.

In other words, send it to everyone !

(and God love that pig!)

[moreluck]

The Asian Lady

There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they lived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll page down.)







What were you thinking?
Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

[Big Babooba]

NEW MEDICAL DEFINITIONS

Acute: Opposite of an uglyArtery: The study of paintings
Bacteria: Back door of a cafeteria
Barium: What doctors do to dead patients
Benign: What you are after you're eight.
Bowel: Letter like A,E,I,O, or U
Cat scan: Searching for a kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Cesarean Section: Neighborhood in Rome
Colic: A sheep dog
Concussion: A prisoner's sofa
Congenital: To be friendly
D & C: Where the White House is
Dilate: To live too long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Fibula: A small lie
GI series: A soldier ball game
Hangnail: A coat hook
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Jaundice: To include in a group
Kinesthetics: Relationships among relatives
Labor pain: Getting hurt at work
Leper: A wild cat
Malaria: Shopping place
Medical staff: A doctor's cane
Morbid: A higher bid
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: A person who fainted
Pelvis: A cousin of Elvis
Post-operative: A letter carrier
Recovery room: A place used for upholstery work.
Rectum: It almost killed him
Rheumatic: Amorous
Secretion: Hiding something
Seizure: A Roman emperor
Serology: Study of English Knighthood
Tablet: A small table
Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport
Tumor: More than one
Urine: Opposite of you're out
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited

[moreluck]

The Seniors Breakfast Special
**********************************

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special"

was two eggs, bacon, hash browns, toast and coffee/tea for $1.99

"Sounds good," said my wife.. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents, the waitress warned her,

because you're ordering a la carte,"


.

"You mean I'd have to pay more for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.

"YES!!" stated the waitress.
"I'll take the special then." my wife said.
"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.

MORAL ?



DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

We've been around the block more than Once !

[moreluck]

LIFE IS A DANCE

One of the most important lessons I've learned is that life is a dance.

Sometimes you lead and sometimes you follow. When you lead, you do it gently, firmly and clearly, and when you follow, do you so with trust.

The amazing thing is that each one of us is involved in many dances at any one time...and we are the leader in some and the follower in others!

Some dances are slow and majestic and others are crazy and frenetic and still others are somewhere in between.

Some last a lifetime...others are over almost as soon as they begin.

Most of the time we manage not to fall flat on our faces, which is even more amazing and requires some pretty fancy footwork.

And sometimes we do trip up or our toes get squashed and we get hurt...but the important thing is to keep on dancing...no matter what.

Just keep dancing!

Even if you can't hear the music or you just don't don't feel like it or you have acquired two left feet, keep on dancing!

Reminds me of the words of a Garth Brooks song: 'our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance.'

[moreluck]

Lifetime Savings.....

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Oh God! When he told me he’d been saving up for 75 years, I thought he meant his money!!”

[cheryl]

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale , Arizona:



1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.



2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.



3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!



4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.



5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.



6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.



7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.



8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.



9. QUIET PLEASE ... WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.



10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.




WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

[moreluck]

A Man and His Dog

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying thescenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembereddying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. Hewondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of theroad. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was brokenby a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before ithe saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, andthe street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a manat a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me,where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought rightup." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the travelerasked.

"I'm sorry sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continuedthe way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to adirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never beenclosed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside,leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place thatcouldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sureenough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, and then he gavesome to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward theman who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call thisplace?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road saidthat was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That'sHell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that theyscreen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

[Big Babooba]

Jesus verses Satan
This is one of the best clean jokes I've seen in awhile!
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was betteron the computer. They had been going at it for days, andfrankly God was tiredof hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going toset up a test that will run for two hours, and from thoseresults, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the powerwent off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word knownin the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.Finally the electricity came back on, and each of themrestartedtheircomputers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his filesfrom the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he hasallhis work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said,
.
.
.'JESUS SAVES'

[moreluck]

Grade Two..........

My Grade 2 class was doing a special project in which they raised butterflies from caterpillars. The students and I watched the insects in our classroom aquarium as they attached themselves to the lid, each forming a chrysalis. Within a week they began to emerge, wet and crumpled. The kids watched in fascination as the wings began to straighten and, with careful fanning, the butterflies dried themselves. About three days after hatching, the insects began to fly. One little boy in particular, who had been watching carefully each day, saw this and excitedly announced.

"They're flying!"

"Of course they're flying!" a little girl in the class replied, rolling her eyes. "They're called 'butterflies.' If they didn't fly, they'd just be butter!"

[moreluck]

Golf

Q: What is the difference between a golf ball and a "G-Spot"?
A: A man will spend at least twenty minutes looking for a golf ball.

Q: What is the hardest thing about playing golf with your wife?
A: Having to say, "Great shot, Honey!" 142 times

[moreluck]

KRISPY KREME SNACK STATS........

Every day, Krispy Kreme makes about 5 million doughnuts.

Every year, they make about 2 billion doughnuts.

Every week, they make enough doughnuts to reach from New York to Los Angeles.

Every year, they use up two Olympic-sized swimming pools worth of chocolate.

Every year, they use about 1 million pounds of sprinkles.

Collectively, Krispy Kreme's stores could make a doughnut stack as high as the Empire State Building (that's 1,454 feet or 443 meters) in only two minutes.

[Big Babooba]

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said,'Sure I can watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government.

[Big Babooba]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?' He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."