Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

The Promised Land......



Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick
up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the
Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Franklin Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit
on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of
Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land.

[moreluck]

Driving my three-year-old daughter to day care before work, I noticed a family of dead raccoons on the road. I quickly sped past, hoping she wouldn't spot them. No such luck.

"Mommy, what was that?"

"Some wood must have fallen from a truck," I fibbed.

"Oh," she said. "Is that what killed all those raccoons?

[moreluck]

Here is a news flash - just in.

A six-family apartment burned down in London .

The Afghan family on the first floor all perished.

The Nigerian family on the third floor all perished.

The Albanian family on the fourth floor all perished.

The Sudanese family on the fifth floor all perished.

The Iraqi family on the sixth floor all perished.

However, no one was injured from the white English family on the second floor.

Ethnic & Refugee community leaders were enraged, calling a press conference and demanded from the Fire Chief an explanation of how this could possibly happen...

To which the Fire Chief replied ...

"They were all at work."

[moreluck]

Western Union

A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."

The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it's urgent! I'll do anything to get a message to her."

The clerk replies "Anything?"

"Yes... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants."

She does. "Take it out", says the clerk."

She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead and do it..."

She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"

[moreluck]

Expanding Waistline

My husband's expanding waistline was a sore subject, but I could no longer ignore it, especially since he's still young and handsome. "Honey," I said, using my seductive voice, "if you lose 20 pounds, I promise to dance for you."

Using his sarcastic voice, he shot back, "Lose 10 pounds and I'll watch."

[moreluck]

New Englanders.........

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment.

As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven.

Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.

But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said.

"I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from New England ... They're still too wet to burn."

[moreluck]

Subject: Obama Lie Clock?????





A
man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front
of St.. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge
wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie
the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is
that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands
have never moved, indicating that she never told a
lie."



"Incredible",
said the man. "And whose clock is that
one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham
Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice,
telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life."

where's President OBamas clock?", asked the
man.

"Obama's
clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a
ceiling
fan."

[Big Babooba]

First day I read that smoking is harmful. I quit Smoking.


Second day I read that marijuana is harmful. I quit smoking marijuana.


Third day I read that sex is harmful. Since that day I don't read anymore.

[moreluck]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

I'm just passing this thought along....

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now.

Have a nice day!

[moreluck]

10 REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A DOG:

1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.

2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.

4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.

6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.

7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.

10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

[moreluck]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend ½ an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

[moreluck]

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was more than a little irritated...

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'

[moreluck]

Dating vs. Marriage


When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

[moreluck]

Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That's right... the driver's side. This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm. Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear. Not only that...you'd be surprised at how many people waved back.

[moreluck]

HEALTH FOOD......

2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root

1000 A.D. – That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2009 A.D. – That antibiotic doesn’t work anymore. Here, eat this root

[moreluck]

Subject: Nancy Reagan's Letter





You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.

Hinckleywas absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckleymay soon be released as having beenrehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckly:



To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as20a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.












</SPAN>

[moreluck]

More Thoughts
Life is sexually transmitted.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you £500.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you £0.30?

In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

We know exactly where one cow with Foot and Mouth disease is located among the millions of cows in Britain, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

'Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow'

[moreluck]

The Carpool

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.
Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave.
At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, you idiot."

[ol'browneye]

Forgive me if this one has been told here already, I haven't read all 2493 previous jokes!

A couple are in the hospital to have a baby. The doctor tells them about a new technology where the mother can be hooked up to a machine and it transfers some of the birth pain to the father. That way he can truly feel that he participated in the birth of his child and make it easier on his wife. He agrees to do it to help his wife through the birth.
The doc hooks up the wife and turns the pain transfer to 20%. The husband doesn't feel anything and tells the doc to turn it up. The doc turns it up to 40%. Still the husband doesn't feel anything. He's thinking "What's the big deal?" and tells the doc to turn it all the way up. The doc cranks it up to 100% and the husband just smiles as the wife has the easiest birth ever.
That night when the husband got home from the hospital he found the UPS man dead in the yard!

[OldUPSDriver]

Its been told, many times.

[moreluck]

Class............




Class on Emotional Extremes..........

Students in the psychology program at a Southern University were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"In order to establish some parameters," the professor said to a student from Alabama, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," replied the student.
"And what is the opposite of depression?" the professor asked a young lady from Mississippi.
"Elation," she answered. "And you, young man," he said to a student from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?" "Well, sir, I believe that would be 'giddy-up'," the Texan replied.

[moreluck]

I was confused when I heard the word 'service'used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone'Service'
Cable TV'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
Now you are as enlightened as I am.

[moreluck]

oops

[moreluck]

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor
> columnist for the Miami Herald.
>
> Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal:
>
> I called my friend Andy Sable, a
> gastroenterologist, to make an appointment
> for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office,
> Andy showed me a colored diagram of the colon,

> a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place,

> at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then
> Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
> reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully,

> but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain
> was shrieking,quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE
> 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
>
> I left Andy's office with some written
> instructions, and a prescription for
> a product called MoviPrep, which comes in a box

> large enough to hold a microwave oven.

> I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to
> say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands

> of America's enemies.
>
> I spent the next several days product ively sitting
> around being nervous.
> Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
> preparation. In accordance with my instructions,

> I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was
> chicken broth, which is basically water, only with
> less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.

> You mix two packets of powder together in a
> one-liter plastic jug,and then you fill it with
> lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system,

> a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to
> drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
> because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind -

> like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just
> the slightest hint of lemon.
>
> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by
> somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after

> you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may
> result.' This is kind of like saying that after you
> jump off your roof, you may experience contact

> with the ground.
>
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be
> too=2
0graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a

> space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
> experience, with you as the shuttle.. There are
> times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.

> You spend several hours pretty much confined to the
> bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.

> And then, when you figure you must be totally empty,

> you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at
> which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels
> travel into the future and start eliminating food

> that you have not even eaten yet.
>
> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to
> sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.

> I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about
> the procedure, but I had been experiencing
> occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.

> I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'

> How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?

> Mere flowers and chocolates would not be enough.
>
> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging

> that I understood and> totally agreed with whatever the heck

> the forms said. Then they led me to a
> room full of20other colonoscopy people, where I went
> inside a little curtained space and took off all my clothes

> and put on one of those hospital garments

> designed by sadist perverts - the kind that, when
> you put it on, it makes you feel even more defenseless

> than when you were actually unclad.
>
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a
> vein in my left hand.
> Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very
> good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me

> that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first

> I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this,

> but then I pondered what would happen if you got

> your self too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, and you
> were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You
> would have had no choice but to burn your house.
>
> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into
> the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a

> nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
> 17,000-foot tube,but I knew Andy had it hidden
> around there somewhere. I was seriously tense by this point.

> Andy had me rollC2over on my left side, and the
> anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the
> needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room,

> and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen'
> by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs
> that could be playing during this particular procedure,

> this one had to be the least ap
propriate.
>
> 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
> somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said.

> And then it was time, the moment I had been
> dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish,

> prepare yourself,because I am going to tell
> you,in explicit detail,exactly what it was like.
>
> I have no idea! Really. I slept through it. One
> moment, Abba was shrieking
> 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine'
> and the next moment, I was back in the other room,

> waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking
> down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
> excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy

> told me that it was all over, and that my colon

> had passed with flying colors. I have never been

> more proud of an internal organ.
> ( I would say 'Cheers', but somehow the expression
> 'Up Yours' has a more appropriate ring to it.
Hope you liked the article

[moreluck]

Some of you may recall - on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:



Albert A. Gore, Jr.

Hillary Rodham

John F. Kerry

William J. Clinton

Howard Dean

Nancy Pelosi

Dianne Feinstein

Charles E. Schumer

Barbara Boxer

Amazing what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses - -