Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of
Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons
life taught me."


1. Life isn't fair, but
it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just
take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to
waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take
care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents
will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit
cards every month.

6. You don't have to
win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone.
It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry
with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement
starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to
chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with
your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your
children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your
life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all
about.

14. If a relationship
has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can
change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never
blinks.

16. Take a deep breath.
It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything
that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't
kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late
to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you
and no one else.

20. When it comes to
going after what you love in life, don't take no for an
answer.

21. Burn the candles,
use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it
for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then
go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now.
Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important
sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge
of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every
so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will
this matter?'

27. Always choose
life.

28. Forgive everyone
everything.

29. What other people
think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost
everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad
a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself
so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in
miracles.

34. God loves you
because of who God is, not because of anything you did or
didn't do.

35. Don't audit life.
Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats
the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get
only one childhood.

38. All that truly
matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every
day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our
problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab
ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of
time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to
come.

43. No matter how you
feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied
with a bow, but it's still a gift."

[moreluck]

The Horse and Chicken

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the
chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the
chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his
friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best
Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life. The horse
thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking
underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he could
then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse
pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral!)


"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

[moreluck]

Here is a listing of automobile manufacturers and alternatively affectionate names for the same. Please don't be offended if your preference is listed - mine is too!

AUDI

Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW

Big Money Works

BUICK

Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET

Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology

DODGE

Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express

FIAT

Failure in Italian Automotive Technology; Fix It All the Time Fix it again, Tony

FORD

First On Recall Day

GM

General Maintenance

GMC

Garage Man's Companion

HONDA

Had One Never Did Again

HYUNDAI

Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive

MAZDA

Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE

Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere

PINTO

Put in New Transmission Often

PONTIAC

Poor old Neanderthal Thinks it's a Cadillac

SAAB

Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown

TOYOTA

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO

Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW

Virtually Worthless

[moreluck]

Genetics.......
In lectures on human genetics, I explained to my college students that males determine the sex of the offspring by contributing either an X or a Y chromosome. So at the end of the year, I put it on the final exam: "How is the sex of the child determined?" One student wrote, "By examining it at birth."

[moreluck]

Silly Books by Famous Authors

• The Broken Window by Eva Brick
• The Cliff Tragedy by Eileen Dover
• French Windows by Pattie O'Dors
• Forestry by Teresa Green
• Olympic Games by Arthur Letics
• How to Make Honey by B. Keeper
• Easy Money by Robyn Banks
• Gunfire by R. Tillery
• Long Walk by Miss D. Buss
• The Dogs' Dinner by Nora Bone
• A Hole in My Bucket by Lee King
• Falling Trees by Tim Burr
• How to Win by Vic Tree
• I Love Maths by Adam Upp and Ima Adder
• Snakes of the World by Anna Conda
• Natural Bust Enlargement by Mine Power

• Overpopulation in France by Frances Crowded
• The World's Flood Plains by Noah Zark
• Sound as a Bell by Drop Clanger
• Why I Like Fish by Anne Chovie
• The Empty Biscuit Tin by Arthur Anymore
• Interior Decorating by Kurt N. Rodd
• Poisonous Plants by Dudley Nightshade
• Dockyards in Britain by Steve Dore
• How to Look Younger by Fay Sliftt
• Mexican Food by Monty Suma

[moreluck]

Jokes About Men


Q. What do you call a man with half a brain?
A. Gifted.

Q. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Bonds Mature.

Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

A. What did God say after creating man?
Q. I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.

Q. What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
A. A man's undivided attention.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

Q. How is a man like a snowstorm?
A. Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

Q. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
A. He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Q. Why are men like laxatives?
A. They irritate the crap out of you.

Q. What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A. A tourist.

Q. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
A. To keep them from grazing.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Q. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
A. He had it bronzed.

Q. Why do men like masturbation?
A. Its sex with someone they love.

Q. What is gross stupidity?
A. 144 men in one room.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

A. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
Q. The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
A. Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.

Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Only a man would buy a £500 car and put a £4000 stereo in it.

Q. Why did God create man?
A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "How sad - a dead bird”. The other man looked up and said, "Where?"

[moreluck]

Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven."

"I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to him. "What is your first name?"

"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."

[Big Babooba]

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh!

[moreluck]

P.C. in the NFL

The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the teams rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the upcoming season:

The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day.

Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.

In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People.

The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.

The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.

The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9.

And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals.

Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.

[moreluck]

Twenty Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than


Twenty Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex...........


1. You can GET chocolate.

2. 'If you love me you'll swallow' has real meaning with chocolate

3. Chocolate satisfies even when it's gone soft.

4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want to.

6. You can have chocolate in front of your mother.

7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. The word 'commitment' doesn't scare off chocolate.

10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench or desk during working hours
without upsetting your co-workers.

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can find.

18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

[Big Babooba]

Old is just Old - Old is not Dumb!

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he couldout-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said.. 'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that youwon't be able to wheel back.'

'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.'

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, Dumb Ass, get in.'

Never mess with old people!

[moreluck]

Farmer Gossman goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."

The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."

Farmer Gossman comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.

The vet says, "What happened?"

Farmer Gossman says, "The horse blew first."

[moreluck]

What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion ?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

What's an accordion good for ?
Learning how to fold a map.

What do you call a group of Topless female accordion players ?
Ladies in Pain

[moreluck]

*GRIT (Girls Raised In Texas )*


Someone once noted that a Texan can get away with the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a 6-lane highway."

I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about her new transplanted northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a Texas accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to Texas a couple of years ago.

"Can you believe it?" said her friend, "A child of mine is going to be
"taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss."

Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships, and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!

I have a friend from Bawston, bless her heart, who thinks it's hilarious
when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin" to do something. And, bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is, or what "I reckon" means!

My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she cain't help being ugly, but she could'uh stayed home."

Texas girls know bad manners when they see them:
1. Drinking straight out of a can.
2. Not sending thank you notes.
3. Velvet after February.
4. White shoes before Memorial Day or after Labor Day.

Texas girls always say:
1. "Yes Maam."
2. "Yessir..."

Texas girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
1. "Yawl come back."
2. "Well, bless yer harrt."
3. "Drop by when ya can."
4. "How's yer mama?"
5. "Love yer hair.."

Texas girls know their three R's:
1. Rich
2. Richer
3. Richest

Texas girls know everybody's first name:
1. Hunny
2. Darlin'
3. Shuger

Texas girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
1. "Gone With the Wind"
2. "Fried Green Tomatoes"
3. "Driving Miss Daisy"
4. "Steel Magnolias"

Texas girls know the three deadly sins:
1. Bad hair
2. Bad manners
3. Bad blind dates

G.R.I.T. = Girls Raised in Texas !

Now you run along, Shuger, and send this to ANY females aspiring to be GRITS--Even the northern ones, "Bless Their Hearts". and send it on to men who think Texas women are precious.

Just because you move to Texas does not make you a Texan. After all, if a cat had kittens and moved them to the oven, that wouldn't make them biscuits."

[Big Babooba]

Robot Bartender



A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He return ed and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??

This time the man drawled out "Uh..... Bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e? Y-o-u? H-a-p-p-y? W-I-t-h O-B-A-M-A?????

[moreluck]

The Organist.......



There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on your breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said: "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."

[moreluck]

LETTERS TO A PASTOR.........

**Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

**Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

**Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson

**Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

**Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

**Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

**Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

**Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

**Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

**Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

**Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

**Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

**Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

**Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

[moreluck]

Robot Bartender



A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He return ed and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??

This time the man drawled out "Uh..... Bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e? Y-o-u? H-a-p-p-y? W-I-t-h O-B-A-M-A?????

[moreluck]

Brain Droppings.....

"EVERYTHING COMES IN THREES" - Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.

"YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU (when you die)" - Well..., that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets.

"YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY" - Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just learned it, doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this.

"NICE GUYS FINISH LAST" - Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.

[Hoaxster]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two "working girls" and
take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however,is
unable to get an erection.

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he
hears his friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again! ONE, TWO,
THREE UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!"
"Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" ....... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The
first mutters, "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I
couldn't get on the bed."

[moreluck]

Hoaxter.....that one made me laugh out loud !!! Not many do that to me anymore, because I've heard & read so many jokes. Good one !!

[moreluck]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee outside an
Arizona immigration office.

'Good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been sent here by President Obama and
told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United
States with your wife and eight children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good
teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he
had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three
car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family
and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to
bring them all over here . .. . and -- PING ! -- in the distance there
could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long
driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood
overlooking the bay.

'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.

'Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American
clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of
this sombrero . And I want to have white skin like Americans . . and --
PING ! -- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore
Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the
mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'



THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . .

NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . . . . . . .


The fairy said 'Tough teabags, Amigo, Now that you are a White American,
you have to fend for yourself.'

[moreluck]

WORDS OF GREAT WISDOM (The Native American Code Of Ethics)

1. Rise with the sun to pray. Pray alone. Pray often. The Great Spirit will listen, if you only speak.

2. Be tolerant of those who are lost on their path. Ignorance, conceit, anger, jealousy and greed stem from a lost soul. Pray that they will find guidance.

3. Search for yourself, by yourself. Do not allow others to make your path for you. It is your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.

4. Treat the guests in your home with much consideration. Serve them the best food, give them the best bed and treat them with respect and honor.

5. Do not take what is not yours whether from a person, a community, the wilderness or from a culture. If it was not earned or given, it is not yours.

6. Respect all things that are placed upon this earth - whether it be people or plant.

7. Honor other people's thoughts, wishes and words. Never interrupt another or mock or rudely mimic them. Allow each person the right to personal expression.

8. Never speak of others in a bad way. The negative energy that you put out into the universe will multiply when it returns to you.

9. All persons make mistakes. And all mistakes can be forgiven.

10. Bad thoughts cause illness of the mind, body and spirit. Practice optimism.

11. Nature is not FOR us, it is a PART of us. They are part of your worldly family.

12. Children are the seeds of our future. Plant love in their hearts and water them with wisdom and life's lessons. When they are grown, give them space to grow.

13. Avoid hurting the hearts of others. The poison of your pain will return to you.

14. Be truthful at all times. Honesty is the test of ones will within this universe.

15. Keep yourself balanced. Your Mental self, Spiritual self, Emotional self, and Physical self - all need to be strong, pure and healthy. Work out the body to strengthen the mind. Grow rich in spirit to cure emotional ails.

16. Make conscious decisions as to who you will be and how you will react. Be responsible for your own actions.

17. Respect the privacy and personal space of others. Do not touch the personal property of others - especially sacred and religious objects. This is forbidden.

18. Be true to yourself first. You cannot nurture and help others if you cannot nurture and help yourself first.

19. Respect others religious beliefs. Do not force your belief on others.

20. Share your good fortune with others. Participate in charity.

[moreluck]

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different...
Two Different Versions! .
Two Different Morals!


OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and
plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!


MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed
while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering
grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a
table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries
when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news
stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Rev. Jeremiah
Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's
sake.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that
the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call
for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green
bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is
confiscated by the Government Green Czar.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of
the ants food while the government house he is in, which just happens to
be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain
it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house,
now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once
peaceful neighborhood.



MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.

[moreluck]

Bosses Night Dinner....
At an annual Bosses Night dinner in Helena, Montana, where legal secretaries sponsored their lawyer bosses, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates."

"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."

A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there goes the rest of us!"