Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

The Cynic's Guide to Life

• Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
• Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
• If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
• If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
• When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
• It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
• Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is".
• Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
• Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
• When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
• This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
• It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
• Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
• This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
• Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.

[moreluck]

If A Dog Were Your Teacher !


You would learn stuff like...

• When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
• Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
• When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
• Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
• Take naps and stretch before rising.
• Run, romp, and play daily.
• Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
• Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
• On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
• On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
• When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
• No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout - run right back and make friends.
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
• Be loyal.
• Never pretend to be something you're not.
• If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
• And MOST of all...
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Author unknown

[moreluck]

Subject: HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK



1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack
Obama?'

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

7. Feel better?

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi

In God We Trust

[moreluck]

DIETER'S PSALM...............

Strict is my diet. I must not want.

It maketh me to lie down at night hungry.

It leadeth me past the confectioners.

It trieth my willpower.

It leadeth me in the paths of alteration for my figure's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the aisles of the pastry department,

I will buy no sweetrolls for they are fattening.

The cakes and the pies, they tempt me.

Before me is a table set with green beans and lettuce.

I filleth my stomach with liquids,

My day's quota runneth over.

Surely calorie and weight charts will follow me all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the fear of scales forever.

[moreluck]

On my way to a picnic, I stopped at a fast-food place to order a quart of potato salad. "We don't sell it by the quart," the clerk snapped. "Okay, then give me two pints, please," I replied.

I'm proud to say I held my tongue when she asked, "Do you want it in one container?"

[cachsux]

Mickey Mouse is in court standing before the judge. The judge says "I won`t be able to grant you your divorce. I have found no evidence of her insanity."

Mickey replies " I didn`t say she was insane,I said she was f-ing Goofy!."



And for Dilli
Why is a gun better than a wife? Because you can put a silencer on a gun.

[moreluck]

POSITION:

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop


JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Extensive courier duties also required.


RESPONSIBILITIES:

The rest of your life.

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap plastic toys and battery-operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.


POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

If you are lucky, you may be promoted to the position of Grandparent. Of course, you must still retain and fulfill all the responsibilities of Parent while assuming the new title and job responsibilities of Grandparent.


PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.


WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this! You pay them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.


BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock options are offered.

[moreluck]

Golf.........

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."

The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare the caddy under estimate his game.

So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one long putt..."

[moreluck]

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural- history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"

One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."

[moreluck]

Subject: His
& Hers Diaries







HER DIARY


Tonight, I thought
my husband was acting weird.. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have
a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he
was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on
it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I
asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it
was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way
home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love
you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as
if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly,
and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally,
with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes
later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we
made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts
were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to
do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My
life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY


My golf game was off today, but at least I
got laid.

[Hoaxster]

Originally Posted by moreluck

Subject: His
& Hers Diaries


HER DIARY


Tonight, I thought
my husband was acting weird.. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have
a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he
was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on
it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I
asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it
was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way
home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love
you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as
if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly,
and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally,
with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes
later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we
made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts
were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to
do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My
life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY

My golf game was off today, but at least I
got laid.

Absolutely hilarious. I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes ... and my wife is looking at me ... probably thinking I am laughing at her!

[moreluck]

Skeleton

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

[moreluck]

YOU MAY NEED A NEW PSYCHIC IF...

* He keeps shaking black crystal ball and says, "Ask again later."

* Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"

* Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.

* His idea of an "out of body experience" involves whipped cream and women's clothing.

* His spoon bending requires two pliers.

* Sign in window: "As Seen on '60 Minutes."

* During card-reading, asks if you want to "hit" or "stand."

* Insists that your astrological sign is "The Armadillo."

* Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mom.

* Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genitalia.

* Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm

[moreluck]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder



Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.


Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich .


Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to
use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.




Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky. Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.





Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.





Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.





Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax
cut saves you $30.00?





Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.





And The Number 1 Thought For 2009:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among
millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue
where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.
Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of
Immigration.



Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers.
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"

[moreluck]

Why He Had to Change Hotels Last Week

Last week, a man checked into his hotel in Atlanta, and was a bit lonely. He thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books, like escorts and such."
He looked through the phone book, and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places,
beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture !! He figured, what the heck, give her a call.

"Hello," the woman says . . God, she sounded sexy!

Afraid he would lose his nerve if he hesitated he rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you giveagreat massage, and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone, and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it
hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup
and whipped cream, anything and everything !! Now, how does that sound ?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

[Hoaxster]

I was walking past a mental hospital and all the patients were shouting 13, 13, 13. The fence was too high to see over so I looked through a little gap in the planks to see what was going on.


Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.


Then they all started shouting 14, 14, 14.....

[moreluck]

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

It's called Sosumi.

[moreluck]

The economy is so bad...



*that people now get pre-declined credit cards in the mail


* parents in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and learned their children's names.


* Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

* the Mafia is laying off judges

*It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

* that if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient funds" you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

*Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

*a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico

* Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

[Big Babooba]

I LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE


A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark..
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[Hoaxster]

Thought For The Day - The one POSITIVE result of "Cash for Clunkers": It's taken 30% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

[moreluck]

Saving Time

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

[moreluck]

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone..
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15.. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What 20 other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously.. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
It's estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title '7%'. I'm in the 7%. Remember that I will always share my spoon with you! Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves
ï

[moreluck]

The economy is so bad..........

*that people now get pre-declined credit cards in the mail


* parents in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

* Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

* the Mafia is laying off judges

*It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

* that if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient funds" you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

*Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

*a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico

* Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

[moreluck]

You Know You're Over The Hill When...

1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

2. You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

4. You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.

5. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large...In that order.

6. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Cumbaya..

7. You keep repeating yourself.

8. You start video taping daytime game shows.

9. At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're not carrying any luggage.

10. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

11. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time.

12. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

13. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

14. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out.

15. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

16. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

17. You keep repeating yourself.

18. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

19. You discover the words, "whippersnapper, " "scalawag" and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.

20. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

21. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays... "

22. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

23. You look both ways before crossing a room.

24. Your social security number only has three digits.

25. You keep repeating yourself.

26. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

27. You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden.

28. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.

29. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say "pureed."

30. At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.

[moreluck]

The Indian and the Buffalo



An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:


"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
And then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter

"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says ..


"Me training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,

Disappear for rest of day.