Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[trplnkl]

TWO-LINE RHYMES


THESE WERE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, & so are you
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty ... and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[moreluck]

THINGS I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL

01. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

02. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.

03. No meal is complete without leftovers.

04. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

05. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.

06. You need ten men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.

07. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

08. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstrom’s.

09. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.

11. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.

13. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.

14. WASP's leave and never say goodbye; Jews say goodbye and never leave.

15. Always whisper the names of diseases.

16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.

18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.

20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.


SIGNS ON SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BOARDS

01. Under same management for over 5770 years.

02. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

03. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?

04. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

05. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."

06. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty, but they sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

07. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

08. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices?" Moshe asked. "Yes or no" she replied.

09. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a nice living."

10. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name, but forgot to write a letter.

11. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy" The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

12. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything right?"

[moreluck]

Subject: email alert



If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu............

Ignore it.







It's just Spam

[moreluck]

Blonde Jokes........

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

THE BLONDE'S DOGS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?

"HELLLOOOOOOO..." answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

[moreluck]

Nativity Scene.......

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[moreluck]

Anything Higher.........

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?"
The Priest says "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop."
"Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.
"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an ArchBishop" said the Priest a bit cautiously.
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal"
"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.
Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said "I supose that I could be elected Pope, but..."
So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that? Is there any way to go up from being the Pope?"
"What! I should be the Messiah himself?"
The Rabbi leaned back and said, "One of our boys made it."

[moreluck]

MORELUCK IS CELEBRATING CAPS LOCK AWARENESS DAY ! ! ! !

[moreluck]

Roofers...........So there were two guys on a roof, pounding nails. One guy pounded a nail in, then picked up another. He was holding the nail upside down. He unexpectedly threw the nail away. He picked up another nail, right side up this time, and pounded this in. He eventually threw so many upside down nails away, that his friend came over. "Eh, what you doing? How come you're throwing away all those nails?" he asked. "Because they're upside down," the friend replied. The other guy looks at the friend, then, after some thought, says, "You Idiot, save them for the ceiling!"

[moreluck]

Poor Box

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.


For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[moreluck]

Some things are hard to grasp......

Where do square fish come from so that fast-food outlets can make square fish sandwiches?

Why do we play a round of golf, but we square dance?

Why does a business have to tell the truth about his product, but politicians can lie about each other?

Why does a can of dog food have more nutritional information on it than a jar of baby food?

Why are women's size 6 shoes smaller than a man's size 6 shoe?

Why do British drivers drive on the left side of the road and most others drivers in the world drive on the right side?

Why does it "rain cats and dogs" and not "catfish and bass"?

[moreluck]

After a spate of shark attacks in Australia, the Week asked its readers to create that country's next tourism slogan. Here's what they came up with:

1. "What happens off the coast of Australia, stays off the coast of Australia."

2. "We'll throw another limb on the barbie."

3. "Australia: Disarmingly beautiful."

4. "Our visitors: The other white meat."

5. "Not quite heaven, but you can get there from here."

[moreluck]

Beer Study..........

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.