Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[trplnkl]

TWO-LINE RHYMES


THESE WERE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, & so are you
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty ... and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[moreluck]

THINGS I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL

01. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

02. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.

03. No meal is complete without leftovers.

04. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

05. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.

06. You need ten men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.

07. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

08. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstrom’s.

09. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.

11. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.

13. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.

14. WASP's leave and never say goodbye; Jews say goodbye and never leave.

15. Always whisper the names of diseases.

16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.

18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.

20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.


SIGNS ON SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BOARDS

01. Under same management for over 5770 years.

02. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

03. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?

04. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

05. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."

06. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty, but they sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

07. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

08. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices?" Moshe asked. "Yes or no" she replied.

09. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a nice living."

10. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name, but forgot to write a letter.

11. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy" The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

12. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything right?"

[moreluck]

Subject: email alert



If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu............

Ignore it.







It's just Spam

[moreluck]

Blonde Jokes........

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

THE BLONDE'S DOGS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?

"HELLLOOOOOOO..." answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

[moreluck]

Nativity Scene.......

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[moreluck]

Anything Higher.........

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?"
The Priest says "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop."
"Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.
"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an ArchBishop" said the Priest a bit cautiously.
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal"
"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.
Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said "I supose that I could be elected Pope, but..."
So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that? Is there any way to go up from being the Pope?"
"What! I should be the Messiah himself?"
The Rabbi leaned back and said, "One of our boys made it."

[moreluck]

MORELUCK IS CELEBRATING CAPS LOCK AWARENESS DAY ! ! ! !

[moreluck]

Roofers...........So there were two guys on a roof, pounding nails. One guy pounded a nail in, then picked up another. He was holding the nail upside down. He unexpectedly threw the nail away. He picked up another nail, right side up this time, and pounded this in. He eventually threw so many upside down nails away, that his friend came over. "Eh, what you doing? How come you're throwing away all those nails?" he asked. "Because they're upside down," the friend replied. The other guy looks at the friend, then, after some thought, says, "You Idiot, save them for the ceiling!"

[moreluck]

Poor Box

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.


For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[moreluck]

Some things are hard to grasp......

Where do square fish come from so that fast-food outlets can make square fish sandwiches?

Why do we play a round of golf, but we square dance?

Why does a business have to tell the truth about his product, but politicians can lie about each other?

Why does a can of dog food have more nutritional information on it than a jar of baby food?

Why are women's size 6 shoes smaller than a man's size 6 shoe?

Why do British drivers drive on the left side of the road and most others drivers in the world drive on the right side?

Why does it "rain cats and dogs" and not "catfish and bass"?

[moreluck]

After a spate of shark attacks in Australia, the Week asked its readers to create that country's next tourism slogan. Here's what they came up with:

1. "What happens off the coast of Australia, stays off the coast of Australia."

2. "We'll throw another limb on the barbie."

3. "Australia: Disarmingly beautiful."

4. "Our visitors: The other white meat."

5. "Not quite heaven, but you can get there from here."

[moreluck]

Beer Study..........

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

[moreluck]

An accident really uncanny,

Befell an unfortunate granny.

She sat down in a chair

While her false teeth were there,

And bit herself right in the fanny!

[moreluck]

Strange Facts of Life - Kinda

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.

-Scientists say the higher your I. Q. The more you dream.

-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

-You use 200 muscles to take one step.

-The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

-Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three

-A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.

-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

-The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

-The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

-It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

-The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds

-Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

-At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

-There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

-Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil. The population increase in the world is the reason for Global Warming if it exists.

-The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

-Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

-Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.

-Your thumb is the same length of your nose.

Now I KNOW you are placing your thumb on your NOSE, aren't you?

I DID AND IT IS. Me too!..

[moreluck]

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which horse was which.

A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested she notch the ear
off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black horse.

[moreluck]

THE SOUTH . . .

TENNESSEE . . .

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said: "You graduated from the University of Tennessee , and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied: "Everything but my earrings."



ALABAMA . . .

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there, and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"



TEXAS . . .

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked: "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"

"Yep", he replied; "that's why I'm dumpin it here . . . it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."



LOUISIANA . . .

A senior at LSU was overheard saying . . . "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.



MISSISSIPPI . . .

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy: "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied: "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered: "I couldn't tell, but I got his license number."



GEORGIA . . .

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked: "Got any I.D.?"

The driver replied: "Bout whut?"



NORTH CAROLINA . . .

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied: "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked: "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded: "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither."

[moreluck]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu ? But I think its Colin.


What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh.

Two women walked into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

[Dizzee]

An Old Farmer's Advice

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don 't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.

Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just shoot you.