Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

moreluck · 08-05-2006, 06:52 AM

Think Twice ....

"I bet you think twice before you leave your wife alone at night," chided one man to the other.

"I'll say." replied the second. "First, I have to think up a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."

moreluck · 08-05-2006, 10:26 AM

RULES FOR DRIVING IN NEW YORK CITY:

* Keep to the right on a one-way street.

* Take the first parking space you see. There won't be another.

* Don't get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.

* Always look both ways when running a red light.

* Never signal a lane change. It only give other drivers a chance to speed up and not let you in.

* Making eye contact revokes your right of way.

moreluck · 08-06-2006, 08:34 AM

Choices

There was an old man living in an assisted living center. At 10 pm on a Saturday night there was a knock on his door. The man opened the door to find a gorgeous 22 year old blonde wearing nothing but a black see through negligee. He asked the girl "what can I do for you". The blond looked to him very seductively and said "I am here to offer you super sex". The man stood there for a minute and looked her up and down and said "I'll try the soup."

moreluck · 08-06-2006, 10:42 AM

BROOM SUPERSTITIONS

Do not lean a broom against a bed. The evil spirits in the broom will cast a spell on the bed.

If you sweep trash out the door after dark, it will bring a stranger to visit.

If someone is sweeping the floor and sweeps over your feet, you'll never get married.

Never take a broom along when you move. Throw it out and buy a new one.

To prevent an unwelcome guest from returning, sweep out the room they stayed in immediately after they leave.

moreluck · 08-07-2006, 07:16 AM

Grandma

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like:

"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide- eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

moreluck · 08-08-2006, 07:09 AM

Oh my !

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Bill, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog. The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

moreluck · 08-08-2006, 03:41 PM

American Way of Robbery

True Stories of Some of the Dumbest Crooks on Earth:

Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a
cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of
their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the
machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared,
they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached
to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With
their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a
bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it
was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him
be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and
demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him
the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up
at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf,
the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a
"handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate
his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics
was found in the golf bag.

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for
Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-
old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2
years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600
in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he
provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

moreluck · 08-09-2006, 06:52 AM

Kittens

A three-year-old went with his father to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

moreluck · 08-09-2006, 01:09 PM

Talking Clock....

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a
big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a
gong.
It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock?
Seriously?"
asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it
work?"
the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He
picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped
back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You
a$$hole...it's three-fifteen in the morning!"

moreluck · 08-09-2006, 01:15 PM

Regional Differences......

Zoos are different in the North and South.

In the North, the sign on the cage shows the common name of the animal and under that, the Latin classification.

In the South, there is also a recipe.

moreluck · 08-10-2006, 08:01 AM

The Gov't.

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”
“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”

moreluck · 08-10-2006, 08:09 AM

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld

"At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: 'My dad owns a liquor store.'" --Mark Klein

According to a new medical study, it's healthier for a wife to get angry at her husband than to keep it all inside, which can lead to disease. So guys when the wife runs you over with the SUV, she's just trying to live a healthier lifestyle."

moreluck · 08-11-2006, 06:49 AM

Legal Terminology.......

CRIMINAL JUSTICE: When the accused and his attorney go to jail.

HEARING: What a husband loses after the honeymoon's over.

JURY DUTY: What happens to you if you don't have a job, haven't ever read a newspaper and lie about whether you watch TV.

moreluck · 08-11-2006, 09:46 AM

Enchanted Snake

It was spring in the old west.

The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...

"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!

moreluck · 08-12-2006, 06:55 AM

The New Language of the White House.........

As you know, the White House has a new team, and a whole new language. George W. Bush brought with him many friends from Texas, and for anyone not born in the Lone Star State, the Texan accent and the cowboy colloquialisms can seem a bit strange. Here is a guide to a few of the more colorful expressions:

The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving. (Not overly- intelligent.)

As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party. (self-explanatory)

Tighter than bark on a tree. (Not very generous)

Big hat, no cattle. (All talk and no action)

We've howdy'd but we ain't shook yet. (Made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.)

He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow. (He has a pretty high opinion of himself.)

She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth. (That woman can talk.)

Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly. (Appearances can be deceptive.)

This ain't my first rodeo. (I've done been around awhile.)

He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch. (Not the most handsome of men.)

They ate supper before they said Grace. (Living in sin.)

You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits. (You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.)

moreluck · 08-12-2006, 03:51 PM

Boys Will Be Boys

It was getting quite dark when my neighbor and I returned home from our walk. As we turned onto our street, we saw Jason's two sons playing street soccer. His older boy rolled the ball to his younger brother, who failed to stop it, and it continued to roll in our direction. Jason and I both ran towards the ball. Jason got to it first, gave it a tremendous kick, let out a roar of agony and collapsed to the ground clutching his ankle. I rushed to his aid and discovered that the kids hadn't been playing street soccer. They had been rolling his old bowling ball to each other.

moreluck · 08-13-2006, 06:33 AM

Brokeback Deputies

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl! shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,

"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

moreluck · 08-13-2006, 07:37 AM

A backward poet writes inverse.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

moreluck · 08-13-2006, 09:37 AM

Bucking Bronco

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.

Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds.

That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease.

As a joke, the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast.

Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try.

Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony.

Everyone was astonished.

"Considering you've never even sat on a horse before," said Tommy's friends, "how on earth did you manage that?"

"Easy," said Tommy, "my wife's an epileptic."