Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

A doctor examined a patient with bruises all over his legs and asked, "Are those from horseback riding or softball?"

"Neither," the patient answered. "Bridge."

[moreluck]

A Poem for Moms and Dads


Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!

[moreluck]

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night, "Yes sir," the boy replied.

"And do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."

[moreluck]

Pun-ny Ones.......

A steady income will help you keep your balance.

Californians are not without their faults.

When thimbles were invented, many people got stuck without one.

A good thing for a tired witch to do is to rest a spell.

Sign in an Egyptian funeral parlor: Satisfaction guaranteed, or your mummy back.

Paying for a gourmet dinner can be hard to swallow.

[moreluck]

HEADLINES from the year 2050:


"Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock"

"Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen"

"Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were "Just For Fun"

"Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past With US President"

"Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor. "This Is True Love," He Beams."

"Cody, Cassidy Gifford Elude Authorities. Drug-Crazed Crime Spree Continues"

"President 'Bonecrusher' Jones to Face Chief Justice 'Mad Dog' Ortega In Cage Match"

"Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens"

"Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders"

"D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow"

"Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's"

"Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper's Allegations"

"Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges"

"Baby Conceived Naturally"

"50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss"

[moreluck]

Best Question of the day.....

"Why in the hell should I have to press one for English?"

[lostintransit]

Secret Burden: Bless me Father Gene. It's been a long, long time since my last confession, but I gotta tell someone.

I'd read about this popular online adult "swinger" site and my curiousity go the best of me. I my zip code into the search function because I was dying to see what kind of women actually belonged to such a site.

As I scrolled down, I came across this nude headless torso. I went onto the profile and then I went back to the photo and saw something familiar in the background. It suddenly clicked -- it was one of my wife's good friends "K". I'd always got the vibe that she wasn't very happy with her husband "B" who has kind of a nasty side.

I was so excited to have such a lascivious secret and then it dawned on me -- I couldn't tell a soul on earth:

-- I couldn't tell my wife since she would have taken the mere fact that I looked at such a site as utter betrayal. Moreover she would be angry for not gouging out my eyes for having looked at the photo of her nude friend.

-- I couldn't tell any other women that I know since they would condemn me for being a total perv that lurks about swinger sites.

-- I couldn't tell half of my guy friends since they would have lectured me about the slippery slope away from the straight and narrow that keeps a marriage strong.

-- I couldn't tell the other half of the guy friends since they would horn-dog in one her. Then if "B" found out what happened, I'd be responsible for the homicide of a good friend.

-- I definitely couldn't talk about it with "K" I know that I'm flirting with eternal damnation, but I can't help lusting in my heart when I mentally place her face on the nude torso.

My real concern, however, is that during the brief time that I was on the site that the NSA "hoovered up" my personal data and now I'm on some sort of secret national pervert look-out list. I'll never be able to get on an airplane again.

For the sin of having peeked, I am heartily sorry. Father Gene, what should I do for my penance?

Gene Weingarten: I believe you are paying your penance right now. You are alone with yourself, and this information. You are the poor slob who hits a hole in one when playing solo. As it were.

[moreluck]

People who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

"My wife and I have structured conversations...first, she gives me her opinion, then she gives me my opinion."

"A hot dog at the ballgame beats roast beef at the Ritz." (Humphrey Bogart)

Do speak words that get to the point without getting sharp.

[moreluck]

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[moreluck]

What Makes a Dad ?

God took the strength of a mountain,

The majesty of a tree,

The warmth of a summer sun,

The calm of a quiet sea,

The generous soul of nature,

The comforting arm of night,

The wisdom of the ages,

The power of the eagle's flight,

The joy of a morning in spring,

The faith of a mustard seed,

The patience of eternity,

The depth of a family need,

Then God combined these qualities, When there was nothing more to add, He knew His masterpiece was complete, And so, He called it ... Dad

[moreluck]

It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased with the card. It read "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."
*************
Judith Martin, famed for her syndicated Miss Manners newspaper column, received a letter from a reader asking, "Dear Miss Manners: What is the correct way to walk in high-heeled shoes?"

Her reply? "Gentle Reader: Left, right, left, right, left, right."

[moreluck]

Redneck Motto: Drink until she's beautiful, but if that doesn't work, put a flag over her head and do it for your country.

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

"Congratulations to Taylor Hicks; he won the other night. Taylor is the fifth winner of "American Idol." He now joins those immortal past winners: what's-her-name, that girl, that other blonde girl, and the chubby guy." --Jay Leno

"At the end of 'American Idol,' Ryan Seacrest announced that more than 63 million votes were cast, which is more than any president in U.S. history has ever received. In a related story, this morning Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine." --Conan O'Brien

[moreluck]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

[moreluck]

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming"WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

[moreluck]

Angel Wisdom....

Don't be so busy adding up your troubles that you forget to count your blessings.

The smallest deed done is greater than the best of intentions.

Love is a language that can be heard by the deaf and seen by the blind.

A house is made of wooden beams. A home is made of love and dreams.

To be a good friend open your ears and heart more often than your mouth.

People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.

[moreluck]

If It Makes You Sick...

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book five-day cruise. The guy said, "I'll take it," and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book them on an eight-day cruise. The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

[moreluck]

TOP 10 THINGS A TEENAGE DAUGHTER DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR FROM HER DAD

10. "Let me explain what 'deductible' means on car insurance."

9. "Your mom's almost ready. Where are we going on our double date?"

8. "Seems to me last year's prom dress still has some life in it."

7. "I signed us up for the pairs karaoke contest this Friday night."

6. "We ate possum toes like popcorn when I was a kid."

5. "Let's get ice cream, my treat! Just let me grab my jar of coins."

4. "I am proud that you decided to keep the family unibrow."

3. "You don't need to go shopping after all. I picked out a purse for you on my way home."

2. "I ran into Bobby at the grocery store. I told him that you're really hoping he'll ask you to the dance."

1. "By the way, I had to borrow your deodorant yesterday."

[moreluck]

MONEY TALKS ... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!


"Don't criticize your wife.
If she were perfect, she would have married much better than you."


"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway."

[moreluck]

Fatal Things to Say If Your Wife is Pregnant

• "I finished the Oreos."
• "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
  
• "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
  
• "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
  
• "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
  
• "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
  
• "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
  
• "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
  
• "Get your *own* ice cream."
  
• "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
  
• "Got milk?"
  
• "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
  
• "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger..."

[moreluck]

Whoever said "You can't take it with you" could never have seen my family pack for a vacation.

"What an automated society we live in. Have you ever noticed that when a traffic signal turns green, it automatically activates the horn of the car behind you? "

The first proof that man has reached Mars will come when he is notified that his suitcases went to Venus

[moreluck]

Marriage.......

She married him because he was such a "dominating man"; she divorced him because he was such a "dominating male."

He married her because she was so "fragile and petite"; he divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless."

She married him because "he knows how to provide a good living"; she divorced him because "all he thinks about is business."

He married her because "she reminds him of his mother"; he divorced her because "She's getting more like her mother every day."

She married him because he was "happy and romantic"; she divorced him because he was shiftless and fun-loving."

He married her because she was steady and sensible"; he divorced her because she was "boring and dull."

She married him because he was "the life of the party"; she divorced him because "he never wants to come home from a party."

[dannyboy]

The American Navy found they had too many officers and decided to
offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight
line between any
two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two
points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the
top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked
out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He
walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chie! f
who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of
my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had
received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"
which he did.. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the
Chief's weenie and began to work back.

"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

[moreluck]

"Nothing makes people go into debt like trying to keep up with people who already are. "

"A suburban mother's role is to deliver children: obstetrically once, and by car forever after. "

[moreluck]

Doggy Style

Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives.
The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy-style."
"Doggy-style? Did she go for it?"
"I'll say we did it doggy-style. I sat up and begged, she rolled over and played dead."

[moreluck]

Religion as Baseball...

Calvinists believe the game is fixed.

Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.

Quakers won't swing.

Unitarians can catch anything.

Amish walk a lot.

Pagans sacrifice.

Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out often.

Televangelists get caught stealing.Episcopalians pass the plate.

Evangelicals make effective pitches.

Fundamentalists balk.

Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch.

Atheists refuse to have an Umpire.

Baptists want to play hardball.

Premillenialists expect the game to be called soon on account of darkness.

The Pope claims never to have committed an error.