Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

George Carlin's New Rules for 2007

New Rule:

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you
don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days mowing my lawn.

New Rule:

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a
seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you
expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule:

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule:

There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this
stuff at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some
scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule:

Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.

New Rule:

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the idiot. If you
walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced
vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with
one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge idiot.

New Rule:

I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering
my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I
don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule:

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
high.

New Rule:

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too dang exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule:

I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television
shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can
see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.

New Rule:

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now
it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving,
it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue:

No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a
towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even
tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I
don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule:

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27
Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
really care in the first place.

New Rule:

If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better
Than minimum wage, then for goodness sake don't pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do
you want fries with that?"

[moreluck]

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she
takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya' doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no."
says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."


When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her -
she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of
the 1st nine, honey .


A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms
out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she
can slam the door he jumps in beside her.


Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at
him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.


The cabby turns around and says, "Jeez Bob, you picked up a real bitch
this time!"

[moreluck]

Will Rogers once sent his young niece a picture postcard from Paris. "See what will happen to you," he wrote on the back, "if you don't stop biting your fingernails."

The subject of the card? The Venus de Milo!

[moreluck]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable; an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf "

[moreluck]

Baby's First Doctor Visit.....

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight and being a little concerned asked if the baby was bottle-fed or breast-fed. "Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[moreluck]

I AM A SENIOR CITIZEN.........

~ I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

~ I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

~ I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

~ I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying.

~ I'm very good at telling stories over and over and over....

~ I'm aware that other people's grandkids are not as bright as mine.

~ I'm so cared for....long term care, eye care, dental care.....

~ I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, politicians, waiting....

~ I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy and that's just my left leg.

~ I'm having trouble remembering simple words like....uh..........

~ I'm in the 'initial' stage of my golden years......SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP

~ I'm supporting all movements now......by eating bran, prunes, raisins.....

~ The gleam in my eye is the sun hitting my tri-focals.

~ My children look middle-aged.

~ My knees buckle and my belt won't.

I AM A SENIOR CITIZEN !!!

[moreluck]

The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ... nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?....... Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

[moreluck]

One Sunday a priest announced he was passing out minature crosses made of palm leaves. "Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised. "When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching."

When the parishoners were leaving church, a woman walked up to the priest, shook his hand and said, "I'll take five."

[moreluck]

In Heaven

I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's door, Not by the beauty of it all, by the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp-- the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well.

I nudged the angel, "What's the deal? I would love to hear your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake.

And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue."

"Hush, child," said he. "They're all in shock. No one thought they'd see you."

[drdoowopp]

question:
why does a UPS driver shave
ans: next day hair

question: why is a UPS truck like dog poop
ans: it's brown and you always see it on the side of the road

[moreluck]

Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers":

"What's shaking, Norm?" "All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"What's new, Normie?" "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

"What'd you like, Normie?" "A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?" "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap." "Looks like beer, Norm." "Call me Mister Lucky."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?" "Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?" "The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." "I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?" "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to, Norm?" "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "Poor." "I'm sorry to hear that." "No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you, Norm?" "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?" "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What's the story, Norm?" "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."


"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

[moreluck]

New Car.........



Dear Friends,

I bought a new 2007 Cadillac and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this!", he said, "Nelson"! The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!", He continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Ass Holes!"

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this car!

[moreluck]

Conversation with God


GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is
going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions,
violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance
garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought
and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms
attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to
see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green
rectangles.

St. FRANCIS; It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to
kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive
to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass
growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it
and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and
poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really
fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they
cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it
in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back
on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and
saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass
stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water
it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a
sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in
the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn,
they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in
the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a
new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and
pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy
something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around
in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine,
you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about....

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St Francis.

[moreluck]

Getting Screwed

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"Okay, mister, but this is a private club, so slip 20 bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.

Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

[moreluck]

Lutheran Airlines

If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline.
You're all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting
experience. There is no first class on any Lutheran Air flight. Meals are
potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and
22-30, a dessert.

Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft. Everyone is
responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by freewill offering
and the plane will not land until the budget is met. Pay attention to your
flight attendant, who will acquaint you with the safety system aboard this
Lutheran Air 599.

Okay then, listen up: I'm only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so will
Captain Olson because we fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin
pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that
nature, and I wouldn't bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes.
You're gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those
back up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell out because of
turbulence which, to be honest with you, we're going to have quite a bit of
at 2000 feet. Sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a while
you get used to it.

In the event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying the Lord's
Prayer and just hope you get to the part about forgive us our sins as we
forgive those who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against
us," which isn't right, but what can you do?

The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they
may interfere with the plane's navigational system, which is seat of the
pants all the way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and
if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mouth on the
side of your head.

We're going to start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with the
coffee pot up front. Then we'll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the seat
pocket in front of you. Don't take yours with you when you go or I am going
to be real upset and I am not kidding!

Right now I'll say Grace. "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these
gifts to us be blest. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Duluth or
pretty close. Amen."