Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

"Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning." (Bill Gates)


My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called 'Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.'" (Penelope Lombard)

"Most men do not mature, they simply grow taller."

"I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, "I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle." I brought Windex. " (Rodney Dangerfield )

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"The lion tamer at the circus who steps into the cage full of lions impresses everybody except a school bus driver. "

The man who said, "Talk is cheap," never said, "I do."

"A lawyer is a man who gets two other men to strip for a fight and then takes their clothes."

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Catholic in Chicago...

Growing up Catholic in Chicago, the best time to go to confession was during the Notre Dame SMU game. You could tell that priest anything. "I just killed my family. Well don't do it again my son." You could hear the game on in the background.

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Some people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty - they merely move it from their faces into their hearts.

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

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Commitments are like flowers in a garden:
If you overplant, none will thrive.

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(Help-wanted ad)

Good hours, competitive salary, fun place to work, paid training, mean boss. Oh well, four out of five ain't bad.

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Stewardess....

While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone.

There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off".

[scratch]

A man walks into a drug store and wants to see about buying some Viagra. He asks the pharmacist, "Will I be able to get it over the counter?".

The pharmacist looks at him and says, "Well, maybe if you take two or three of them you can".

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A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

On a first date, usually guys take you to a movie where you sit in the dark staring at a screen, not speaking to each other. Makes perfect sense, it prepares you for marriage.

When a man says, "We've got to talk," the woman hears, "We're going to have a nice conversation." When a woman says, "We've go to talk," a man hears, "Will the defendant please rise?"

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Argument....

My husband and I were in a heated argument that lasted over two hours, neither of us willing to give in.

Finally, I looked at him and said: "I only have one thing left to say, Lorena Bobbett only got six months!"

He stared at me, thinking for a few seconds, then replied: "Yeah? Well O.J. got off scott free!"

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The Top 10 Signs You Might Be a Biker.....

1) Your best friends are named after animals.
2) Your best shoes have steel toes.
3) You have motorcycle parts in your dishwasher.
4) Your idea of jewelry is chains & barbed wire.
5) You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste.
6) You're only sunburned on the back of your hands and neck.
7) You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.
8) You wave at bikers even when you are in your car.
9) Your other suit is a rain suit.
10) You know where Sturgis is

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UNDOCUMENTED HEALTH EFFECTS of COMMON FOOD ITEMS

Hot dogs will lead to an increased tendency to yell, "Hey, battabattabattabatta!"

Eating large quantities of beans can lead to brief periods of levitation.

Chewing parsley after a meal may freshen your breath and certainly makes a lovely garnish for your teeth.

If you eat too much celery, you may become a stalker.

All Bran? All Bathroom. All Day.

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We are developing a unique educational system. Where else can you find algebra taught in the third grade and spelling in college?

"To be prepared for war is one of the most effectual means of preserving peace."
- George Washington -

Few children fear water, unless soap is added.

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When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."

When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I could not please any of them.

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A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."


An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."


The Texas cowboy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

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It bothers me that the world revolves around married people with children, so I've come up with a politically-correct term for Single with No Kids: "Happy. "

She'd planned on a murder-suicide," said the relieved widower. "Fortunately she suffered from dyslexia."

"The person who thinks before he speaks is silent most of the time."

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Old Enough to Remember?

• all soft drinks came in bottles and you could get a deposit back.
  
• cars had no air-conditioning.
  
• there was "free air" at all service stations.
  
• there were S&H green stamps.
  
• you could go as a child and buy your mom a pack of cigarettes.
  
• music was on vinyl records 45 rpm and albums were 78 rpm.
  
• there was one light (red) on top of police cars.
  
• there was only AM radio.
  
• everyone took the bus to town.
  
• you could go and see a live Jan & Dean concert for $3.00.
  
• gas was .26 a gal and ethel was way too high at .30.
  
• Typing Class was noisy.
  
• girls had big hair.
  
• you only had GM, Ford and Chrysler making cars in the US.
  
• most of the change in your pocket was pure silver.
  
• no one ever heard of Bankruptcy, Divorce or KY jelly.
  
• football helmets came without face guards.
  
• the Network News was only 15 minutes long.
  
• motor oil came in metal containers.
  
• toothpaste came in metal tubes.
  
• the balcony at the movie theatre had the best view.
  
• Cracker Jacks had a decent and unusual prize in it.
  
• the only sideburns you saw were on the pictures of dead presidents.
  
• every one you knew had a Smallpox scar.
  
• you believed everything the Government said.
  
• the worst you could do socially was drink a beer.
  
• every house had a tall outside TV antennae.
  
• you could call a Doctor and he would come to your house (the same day).
  
• men put on a suit, they also put on a hat.
  
• Atomic War was a real everyday thought.
  
• men carried metal lunch boxes to work.

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Wedding......

The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember three things.

First, the aisle, because that is what she'll be walking down. Second, the altar, because that is where she will arrive. Finally, remember hymn because that is the song we will sing during the service.

While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating the words: aisle, altar, hymn... aisle, altar, hymn. The congregation thought she was saying "I'll alter him."

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"You start life with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. "

"There are more men than women in mental hospitals - which just goes to show who's driving who crazy. "

"Baloney is flattery so thick it cannot be true; blarney is flattery so thin we like it."

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I always wanted to be the last guy on earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.

"You can take no credit for beauty at sixteen; but if you are beautiful at sixty, it will be your own soul's doing." (Marie Stopes)

"Soldiers in peace are like chimneys in summer."

"A peacock who sits on his tail is just another turkey."

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Husband: "But you're supposed to love me no matter what."

Wife: "You must have me confused with Jesus."

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How to Get Rid of Telemarketers

- If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died. When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

- If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

- This works great if you are male: Telemarketing: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company...Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

- Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

- Say "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to peak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

- If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...Would you be my friend?"

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"For a home to be complete, you must have a cat to ignore you and a dog to adore you."

It was not so very long ago that we couldn't wait to get the salary that we can't live on today.

"I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them." ~Rita Rudner~

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Life As An American....

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.

We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner."

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We whip any enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our "earning power" up with our "yearning power."

We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend five billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

We're supposed to be the most civilized nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

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"Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees."

"Science is wonderful: For years uranium cost only a few dollars a ton until scientists discovered you could kill people with it."

"If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed, and color, we would find some other causes for prejudice by noon. "