Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Coach ....

The coach for the little league team had not yet learned the names of all the players, so he called them by the numbers on their uniforms. He yelled, "Number 5, your time to bat," and Jeff came to the plate to hit. He yelled, "Number 7," and Steve jumped up. Then he yelled, "Number 1," but no one got up.

Again he called out, "Number 1." Still no one emerged from the dugout. The umpire was getting annoyed at the delay, so the coach yelled out, "Who's number 1?"

The entire team responded, "We are, coach. We are!"

[moreluck]

SIGNS the GOVERNMENT is RUNNING OUT of MONEY

State dinners are held at International House of Pancakes.

Country renamed United States of Ditech.com.

Witness protection program now simply issues a fake moustache.

For ten bucks you can punch Rumsfeld in the stomach.

The original constitution is on eBay.

The NSA can only afford to tap phones during off-peak hours.

Vice-President Cheney seen strolling into a bank carrying his 12- gauge.

[traveler]

Morning Poem

I woke early one morning,

The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his ****ing head.
I'm not a morning person.

[moreluck]

"A little courtesy goes a long way, which is fortunate, in view of the shortage."

The clearest indication of the complexity of modern relationships is the greeting cards that are blank on the inside. It's like the card company says, "We give up, you think of something. For seventy-five cents it's not worth us getting involved. ---Jerry Seinfeld

"Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people "the cops." But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!" --Dave Attel

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Ten Kids.....
While visiting an old friend, the father of ten growing children, I asked, "How in the world do you get them all to the table at the same time?"

"That's easy," he replied with a twinkle in his eye. "We just set the table for nine and blow a whistle."

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"I personally don't mind growing old, but my body's taking it badly."

"We cannot all do great things. But we can do small things with great love."

Our forefathers thought nothing looked so relaxed as an old dog stretched out in front of the fire. But then, they never saw one stretched out in front of the air conditioner.

"Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. "

[moreluck]

"A"

While delivering a sermon on the Seventh Commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," our pastor commented that this sin is not always taken as seriously as it used to be. He used as an example Hester Prynne, in Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter. After being found guilty of adultery, Hester had to appear in public with an "A" displayed on her clothing. Following the sermon, a visiting male choir, the Ambassadors, faced the congregation-with a brightly embroidered "A" on each of their blazers.

[moreluck]

Dilbert Quotes Contest

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-comic-strip-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes from the managers we work for in corporate America.

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

[moreluck]

An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners. He took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk. Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."

[moreluck]

Terrorism
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell customer service reps.


It's getting ugly

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Marquee sign in front of a church: "Stop, drop and roll does not work in hell"

A woman's idea of a larger shoe is one of the same size that doesn't fit so tight.

When he finally felt he was ready, my friend's little boy invited his mother to listen to him rehearse his first confession. Solemnly bowing his head, he joined his hands and said: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. This is my first conviction."

[moreluck]

???? in court

The judge was questioning a fellow in court. "Have you had any previous charges?" he asked.

There was no response to the question, so the judge rephrased it. "Have you ever been up before me before?"

A brief silence followed. The defendant then responded: "I don't know, judge. What time do you get up?"

[moreluck]

A child's hardest task is to learn good manners without seeing any.

"Don't talk unless you can improve the silence."

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." (Albert Schweitzer)

[moreluck]

Parking in N.Y.

A Marylander drove to New York City on business. Not being sure of parking regulations, he asked a passing policeman if he could park where he was. The answer was, "No" So he asked, "What about these cars that are parked here?" The policeman shrugged, "They didn't ask"

[moreluck]

You were born an original. Don't die a copy."

A woman doesn't know what kind of man she doesn't want until she marries him.

[moreluck]

Why is a birthday cake the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece? ~Bobby Kelton~

Always remember the first rule of public speaking: Be brief, no matter how long it takes .

[moreluck]

WHERE WOULD JESUS SHOP? (WWJS)

Heaven-Eleven

Old Noah

Burlington Coat-of-Many-Colors Factory

Saved-a-Lot

Blessed Buy

Lordstrom's

Vatican's Secrets

JC Penance

Stables

TMI Fridays

[moreluck]

Please Do Not Smoke Near The Gas Pumps. Your Life May Not Be Worth Much, But The Gas is."

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"You can never trust the descriptions you get of someone you meet on the Internet. After all, that's what email stands for: "Embellished Measurements and Incredible Lies."

The younger generation will learn the value of a dollar when it begins paying off our debts.

[moreluck]

Football Coach

The small-time football coach with a reputation for tremendous optimism came into the locker room to give the boys a pre-game pep talk. "All right, boys," he cried cheerily, "here we are, unbeaten, untied, and unscored upon, and ready for the first game of the season."

[moreluck]

The Confused Samaritan

A man was beaten up by robbers on a road to London. He lay there, half dead and in bad shape. A Vicar came along, saw him and passed by on the other side. Next, a monk came by but also walked quickly on the other side. Finally, a social worker came along, looked at the man and said "Whoever did this needs help!"

[moreluck]

short ones

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick? A tick lets go when you die.

My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he's the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers. I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching his back one day. "No, not there," he directed. "Scroll down."

[moreluck]

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive.

"One great thing about getting older, one martini does the work of three."

I've never known a man who wasn't deeply attached on a very emotional level to his beloved vehicle. Whether it was a piece of junk or a masterpiece made no difference. They rode in their metal boxes and were in control of their lives. I think I know why so many men are afraid to make a commitment to women. It's because we can't be steered

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"Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat." -- Mark Twain

"Try to be like the turtle, at ease in your own shell."

Man reading message found in bottle washed ashore: I'm marooned on a tropical island with no taxes, pollution or traffic. Eat your heart out.

[moreluck]

Check ...

A girl of about 10 years old handed a check to a bank teller.

"You'll have to endorse it," said the teller as he handed it back.

"What does endorse mean?" asked the little girl.

"Just sign your name like you do in a letter," explained the teller.

Smiley shyly the girl wrote, "Love Linda."

[moreluck]

Vacation Tips"

Summer is here and it's time to get ready for vacations. Here are a few tips to help you make the best out of your trip.

1. Don't Stuff your vacation with obligations, relax and enjoy.

2. Take a break from the housework. You do it everyday and who wants to do it on their vacation, that's what maid service is for.

3. Take a few days after your trip to recoup, your body needs to get back to reality.

4. No electronic equipment. Give your mind a complete break, that's what a vacation is for. You'll feel more relaxed and ready to go back to work if you leave that electronic leash behind.

5. Know yourself and your family. Think about what you really need this vacation to do for your family, then plan it out.

6. Take a guilt free trip. Don't worry about every little thing, give yourself permission to have a great time.

7. Learn from your past vacations. What did your family enjoy or dislike. A family talk would help so everyone knows the expectations of the trip.

8. Don't keep checking your watch. It's impossible to be uptight about a schedule if you leave your watch behind.