Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Thin People

By Barbara Florio Graham
From McCall's, June, 1983

I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I've found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I've found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:

avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;

split a large combination pizza with three friends;

think Oreo cookies are for kids;

nibble cashews one at a time;

think that doughnuts are indigestible;

read books they have to hold with both hands;

become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;

fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;

counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;

exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;

lose their appetites when they're depressed;

think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;

save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;

throw out stale potato chips;

will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;

think it's too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;

don't celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;

warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;

try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;

find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;

get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-d'oeuvre table;

have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;

think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;

bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;

think banana splits are for kids.

[moreluck]

PUNS 'R' US................

A good pun is its own reword.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

[moreluck]

The Vatican suspended Monsignor Tommaso Stenico after he was caught making gay advances to a young man on Italian television. He insists he's not gay. Within two hours, Monsignor Stenico was removed from office and elected to the Idaho Hall of Fame.

O.J. Simpson learned Monday a second co-defendant will testify against him. It's no big deal. O.J. will have no trouble convincing a jury he was looking for the real killer when he accidentally walked in on an armed robbery at the Palace Station hotel.

Argus Hamilton

[moreluck]

Headstones......

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up And no place to go.

In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me For not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went

Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More

[moreluck]

I Want It.....

The big new SUV had just gone on sale, and John just had to have one.

He went to the dealership and looked at the behemoth. It weighed two tons, had 500 horsepower and the options included a ten-speaker satellite radio, video, GPS navigation and every other option one can imagine. He turned to the salesman and said, "I want it! How much?"

The salesman said, "I'm sorry, but this one has been sold and demand is so strong that we won't be able to get one for several months. But if you give me a deposit, I can guarantee delivery on June 1, 2008.

"So I can pick up the car on June 1, 2008. Will it be ready in the morning or the afternoon?"

The surprised salesman replied, "What difference does it make?"

"Well, the cable guy is coming that day."

[moreluck]

Church Football.....

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

[moreluck]

Attorney

A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?"

To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, "Yes, but we haven't been able to prove it yet!"

[area43]

Hey More, since its Halloween time I guess a Halloween joke is in order.

Why is Halloween the West Virginia's favorite Holiday?

They get to Pump kin. LMAO

[traveler]

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

[traveler]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

[traveler]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a mancame upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?' :confused1

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, and then stripped him naked and left.


Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'



He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy,walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said:

'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

[traveler]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Humanbeings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,"she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories couldbecome, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and theRottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, hejumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary,", said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty arched his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'........andbefore he could say 'Fu&*' the Rottweiler ate him!"

[upsace]

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of
the car. . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and
life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it when he got out of his car. . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

........ . . and that's when the fight started . .

[area43]

Hey Traveler,

Or maybe your Moreluck. Hey what did you do to my Honey, More. Identity Theft. Don't tell me she left me. Shame on you Traveler. Stealing my or one of my girls. Hey, dont tell anyone. Or at least the other girls. Sammie, Cheryl, Chan, Braze, Aspen, and Amy. (Area 43 crying his eyeballs out) More, Honey.... Please, Pretty Plezzzzz. I wuv you. Hey remember Elmer Fudd. LMAO.

Ok, so I got off topic just a tad. Let me think of a Joke. (area scratching his gorde, head). Why can't witches have Babies? Because the male witches have Halloweenies. LOL I just made that up. Hmmmm. Why does Dracula live in a Coffin? Because its Low rent. Ok, I know they are getting worse. If I had two brains, one would die of loneliness.

[moreluck]

High Tech Restaurant........

A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel. As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. And I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, If you please."

Intrigued, the man said, "OK."

The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked,Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.

The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, But thought he would try a different tack.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball Scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.

Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out, " Uh... 'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e

y-o-u-r

p-e-o-p-l-e

g-o-i-n-g

t-o

n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e

H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

[moreluck]

Halloween Definitions......

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full moon: What your repairman reveals as he bends over to fix your fridge.

Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done.

Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.

Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton: Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.

[Sammie]

One Question Test

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

THE SITUATION:
You are in Miami, Florida. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.

THE TEST
Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer and she looks familiar. You suddenly realize it's Hillary Clinton! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever. You have two options: You can save the life of Hillary Clinton or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.

THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give and honest answer .....
"Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?"

[moreluck]

Words That Should Exist.....

Arachnidiot - Description of a person who wanders into an "invisible" spider web and flails around, gyrating wildly, trying to rub it off.

Cheedle - The residue left on your fingers after eating Cheetos

Deodorend - The last 1/2 inch of a stick deodorant that won't push up, making the tube good only for underarm lacerations.

Kawashocky - Pulling into what you thought was an empty parking space, only to discover a motorcycle is parked there.

Mowmuffins - The accumulated clumps of dried grass on the underside of the lawn mower.

Pajangle - Waking up to find your pajamas have turned 180 degrees around while you were sleeping.

Scribbobics - Warm up exercises to get the ink in a pen flowing.

Snackmosphere - The empty yet explosive layer of air at the top of a bag of potato chips or other snackage.

Spudrubble - The unclaimed fries that have fallen to the bottom of the fast food sack.

(By Rich Hall)