Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Arkansas Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack,
Not a darn thing was a movin', from the front to the back.

The kids were in bed, we had nine at the time.
The wife in her curlers, was lookin' real fine.

A cold wind was blowing', Up the holler it moaned.
Ten dogs on the porch all howled and groaned.

The boys were all dreamin' of weapons and guns
for killin' God's creatures, there's no better fun!

The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned
To getting those gallons of Wal-Mart perfume.

The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks.
I just wanted my Chevy down off of them blocks.

The out in the yard such a noise did commence.
Like something was caught in our new bob-war fence.

I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick.
The man makin' the racket was good ol' St. Nick.

You may think of Santa in your own mind's eye,
dressed in a red and white suit, but I've got a surprise.

That old boy's an Arkie, from up near Mt. Gaylor.
He married his cousin and they live in a trailer.

On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig,
he hooks the thing up to a razorback pig!

He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies,
he backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty

Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens,
I must admit from the back he looked lots like Bill Clinton.

He turned toward the tree, his eyes all aglow,
He was an Arkansas boy from his head to his toe.

His neck was a red one, his shirt said, "Lite Beer",
he had no red hat on, but his cap read, "John Deere".

He left all the presents, with an air of delight,
then back to the chimney, and into the night.

He ran into the yard, threw his bag in the sleigh,
then he yelled at the dogs, "Get the hell out th' way!"

I ran out to ask him why he brought such good cheer;
but instead he just asked me, "You get you a deer?"

Then I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took flight,
"Merry Christmas to all... I need a Bud Lite!"

[moreluck]

There is a factory in Northern
Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs
when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she
reports for her first day promptly at 8:00
AM

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factoryfloor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of
fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into
laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together
and approached Lena .

"I'm sorry," he
said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two
test tickles.

[moreluck]

God Won't Ask

God won't ask what kind of car you drove,
He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.

God won't ask the square footage of your house,
He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet,
He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.

God won't ask about your social status;
He will ask what kind of class you displayed.

God won't ask how many material possessions you had,
He'll ask if they dictated your life.

God won't ask what your highest salary was,
He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

God won't ask how much overtime you worked,
He'll ask if your overtime work was for yourself or for your family.

God won't ask how many promotions you received,
He'll ask how you promoted others.

God won't ask what your job title was,
He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.

God won't ask what you did to help yourself,
He'll ask what you did to help others.

God won't ask how many friends you had,
He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.

God won't ask what you did to protect your rights,
He'll ask what you did to protect the rights of others.

God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived,
He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.

God won't ask about the color of your skin,
He'll ask about the content of your character.

God won't ask how many times your deeds matched your words,
He'll ask how many times they didn't.

[moreluck]

Religious battle golf

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

[traveler]

A young ensign is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he clocks
out of his office at about 8 P.M. he sees the Admiral standing by the
classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his
hand.



'Do you know how to work this thing?' the Admiral asks. 'My secretary's
gone home and I don't know how to run it.'

'Yes, sir,' says the young ensign, who turns on the machine, takes the
paper from the Admiral, and feeds it in.

'Thanks,' says the Admiral, 'I just need one copy...'

[Big Babooba]

Motorcycles

[moreluck]

Commandments for Men

1. Thou shalt not rent Sleepless in Seattle.
2. When on a fishing trip with the guys, never, no matter how sunburned you and your buds may be....is it appropriate to rub sunscreen on each other's backs.
3. When queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
4. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem--you didn't see nothin'.
5. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
6. When in need to go pee, there is a minimum of one empty urinal between you and another man. If this is not possible, you're out of luck----hold it 'til later.
7. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call you on it. (Exception: When trying to pick-up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%).
8. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
9. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
10. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
11. Things that you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SAT's, and your resume. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.
12. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own-- weed whacker, car, firstborn child----within 12 hours' notice.
If he damages the item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you don't notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away scot-free.
13. It is OK to cry only during the following situations: When a heroic dog tries to save his master; The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbottoning her blouse; After wrecking your boss' Ferrari; One hour, 12 minutes, and 37 seconds into The Crying Game; When you accidentally slice off your head in a bandsaw.
14. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor's broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.
15. Do not torpedo single friends: If you're married and a pal drops by with a date, do not, even after your sixth vodka, blurt out, "So when are you two gonna walk the plank?" Punishment: Following the assembly instructions for your rugrat's toys for two years.
16. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines the pit stops, not the weakest.
17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
18. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
19. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail out a friend within 12 hours.
20. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact even remembering your best buddy's birthday is strictly optional).
21. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flight of stairs) divided by dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = beers owed. Bonus for the friend who owns the truck: first crack at the hot new neighbor chick.
22. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if you secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
23. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
24. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
25. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress; but you may never ask who's playing.
26. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with your pal, you may give her the go- ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: "Yeah, baby, push it!"; "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"; "Another set and we can hit the showers."; "Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?"
28. It is permissible to order a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless model....and it's free.
29. When in a bar with a ratio of more than five waiting customers per bartender, limit orders to beer and straight liquor. (No, your girlfriend doesn't need a frozen flying grasshopper with a twist of grapefruit).
30. Only in a situation of mortal peril are you allowed to kick another member of the male species in the "family jewels."
31. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible "I recognize you" nod is all the conversation you need.
32. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
33. The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think "What this guy need is a good butt-whipping." You may then stand back and enjoy.
34. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
35. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
36. If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it's the chorus to "Wooly Bully."

[moreluck]

BLACK TESTICLES.....

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen

mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult

four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask.

'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only

here to wash your upper body

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may split his sutures from worry about his

testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back

the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in

the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close

look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very

slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very,

very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[moreluck]

What I learned from a Snowman........

It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
It takes a few extra rolls to make a good mid-section.

It's OK to be flaky once in a while.
Avoid yellow snow.
When Life Gives You Snow, Make Snowballs.

There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.
Just like snowflakes, each person is unique.
Don't get too much sun.

It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul!

[moreluck]

Christmas Controversies

• CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
  • YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm.
    MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team.
    FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles.
    REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down.
• CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
  • YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype.
    MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt.
    FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas.
    REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts.
• CONTROVERSY: Do you fling or hang tinsel?
  • YUPPIE: Empower each strand with/self-determining skills.
    MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree.
    FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti.
    REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree.
• CONTROVERSY: Do you open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning.
  • YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules.
    MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football.
    FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present.
    REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway.

[moreluck]

My wife asked me to help wrap Christmas presents this year, but I was watching football and declined to help. She then informed me that if I didn't help, I'd be in big, big trouble, so I helped.

However, she didn't tell me to put tags on them, so I think I may be in trouble anyway.

[moreluck]

RECIPE FOR A MERRY CHRISTMAS..........

Take the crisp cold of a December night, add two generous parts of snow, stir in air so clear it tinkles.

Into a generous heart, mix the wonder of a little girl, the sparkle of a young boy's glance, the love of parents, and set gently before the chimney side.

Add the lightest touch of a reindeer's hooves, a sprig of holly, a scent of fir.

Set the mixture to rise in the warmth of a dream of good will to men. It will be almost ready to serve when it bubbles with warmth and good feeling.

Bedeck with the light of a star set in the East, garnish with shining balls of gold, silver, and red.

Serve to the tune of an ancient carol in the middle of the family table.

[moreluck]

Golf Meditations

• If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
  
• When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
  
• The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
  
• A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
  
• Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
  
• The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
  
• There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces that are just the way you meant to play them.
  
• You can hit a two-acre fairway 10 percent of the time and a two-inch branch 90 percent of the time.
  
• Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
  
• Hazards attract; fairways repel.
  
• A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
  
• If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
  
• Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

[moreluck]

Along with the sheep, cow and donkey, our nativity scene now has a new animal. A plump little teddy bear sits in the hay paying tribute to Baby Jesus.

Our children will tell you this addition is quite scriptural. As a beginning reader, Billy was thrilled to be able to read the Christmas story from the Bible for our family advent devotions. Although the verses did not flow from one line to another, we enjoyed listening to him read.

One night Billy read: "Behold, a virgin shall be with child and bear..." "A bear?" my 3-year-old Nancy interrupted.

"We don't have a bear in our manger," 5-year-old Timmy said. "Here, use mine," offered Nancy, and she plopped her soft stuffed bear in the middle of the scene.

Then Billy continued to read: "... a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel."

[FromBluetoBrown]

Since I can't let MoreLuck monopolize this thread I have one.

A guy is walking down a road at night when he sees a black limo pull up behind him driving very slowly and finally stops and he realizes its a hearse. He can't see anything inside due to the dark tint on the windows but figures what the heck so he climbs in. He turns to thank the driver when he realizes there is nobody driving. Nobody except a big coffin in the back. All of the sudden the car starts moving again very very slowly up a hill and then down picking up speed. All the sudden he hears moaning coming from the back. A curve comes up in the distance and he is getting even more scared. The curve is getting closer and closer and he can see that there is a deep ravine just beyond the curve. He is terrified right about now. At the last minute a hand reaches inside through the window and turns the wheel. So at the next curve the same thing happens and this guy is about to crap his pants he is so scared. Suddenly the car slows down and he decides to make a run for it and he leaps from the car onto the ground. He sees a bar in the distance and runs inside and orders 4 shots and downs them in a hurry. About 15 minutes later two guys walk in panting and swearing and one says the other "Hey Bob, theres that moron who climbed in the car while we were pushing it".

[moreluck]

Bill and Hillary Clinton spent the weekend campaigning separately. It's a good tandem. While Hillary was in Iowa offering free health care Saturday, Bill was in Texas offering to take Jessica Simpson off Tony Romo's hands til after the Super Bowl

Argus Hamilton

[moreluck]

Dead Jackass

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in is new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US Senate form assistance.
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Senator Daschle. How might I help you?"
And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Senator Daschle, true to his ability of always passing the buck, replied with a smirk,
"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.

[moreluck]

TOP TEN REASONS COLLEGE STUDENTS ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO CHRISTMAS BREAK

10. You'll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball.

9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper.

8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green jello.

7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper.

6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12x14 cell... OK, even if it is for only four days.

5. To eat your meals the only trek you'll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall...in below freezing weather.

4. Instead of listening to "when I first started teaching here..." you can be entertained by "when your mother was your age..." and "during the Depression we weren't lucky enough to have brussels sprouts. Heck, all we could afford was the sprout!"

3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave.

2. You'll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.

1. You won't be eating your Christmas meal off a tray!

[moreluck]

CHRISTMAS FORECAST............

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to the next two days, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops.

By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

[moreluck]

All I Need to Know About Life
I Learned From a Snowman

• It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
• Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
• Wearing white is always appropriate.
• Winter is the best of the four seasons.
• It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
• There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
• The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
• We're all made up of mostly water.
• You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
• Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
• Don't get too much sun.
• It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.
• It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
• There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.

[moreluck]

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the nativity when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."

"And why did you take Him?"

The boy explained, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it."MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!

[moreluck]

I know my company has made a big effort to be family friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday announcement posted on the bulletin board: "All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa. Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."

[moreluck]

WHAT REINDEER TALK ABOUT DURING THEIR CHRISTMAS FLIGHT

10. "Sheesh! What's he been eating this year? ROCKS?"

9. "He shouts all our names all the time, sure, but do you really think he knows which one is which?"

8. "I never knew Donner had a tattoo THERE!"

7. "Sure...HIS seat is a floatation device. What about us?"

6. "Tried those new lite oats? You really should."

5. "Man, I hope we pause on a rooftop soon. I'm beat."

4. "HEY!" Watch the antlers there, buddy!"

3. "Did you hear you-know-who got a nose job?"

2. "You know, after a few hundred miles, these jingle bells really get annoying!"

1. "So, you want to go someplace afterward for some reindeer games?"

[moreluck]

The contest was simple: Which department in the hospital where I worked as a nurse could create the best Christmas decorations? While they didn't win first prize, the members of the proctology department did receive high honors with their distinctive sign, "Christmas is a good time to look up old friends."

[moreluck]

DO YOU KNOW SANTA'S TRUE PROFESSION?

Consider the following:

1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."

2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.

3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.

4. Santa travels a lot.

Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!