Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

moreluck · 07-01-2006, 07:06 AM

I've been trying to follow that new food pyramid the government put out, and it's working! I'm looking more and more like a pyramid every day.

How to tell your social standing: if you got to work and your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're in the middle class. If your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

I have reverse paranoia: I believe people are conspiring to help me succeed.

I don't mind life passing me by, I just wish it would signal every now and again and not cut in front of me so much.

moreluck · 07-02-2006, 05:46 AM

Enjoy yourself because you can't change anything anyway.

Look at the bright side: no matter how old you are, you're younger than you'll ever be again.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

moreluck · 07-02-2006, 05:48 AM

Bumper Stickers:

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

moreluck · 07-02-2006, 05:52 AM

Love that British humor.......

An Essex Girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

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An Essex Girl enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

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moreluck · 07-02-2006, 05:55 AM

Stuff ...

Did I tell you about the baker who quit making donuts because he got tired of the hole business?

How about the nun who got her skirt caught in the revolving door and entered the building by force of habit?

Then there was the guard hired to watch a hat factory. They gave him a cap pistol.

At my daughter's school, they're teaching her how to study a fungus. They really know how to mold young minds.

moreluck · 07-02-2006, 04:43 PM

Living Will Form

I, _______________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. Nor in the hands of lawyers/doctors who are interested simply in running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Beer, Margarita, Scotch and soda, Martini, Vodka and OJ, steak, Shrimp or crab legs, A Lottery Ticket, bowl of ice cream, Waffles, chocolate, or $ex

....it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

At this point, it is time to call a New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature: ____________

Date: ________

I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors.

UPSStory · 07-02-2006, 06:50 PM

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock Cal. 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me, If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such
behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
__________________________________________________ _________________

Republican's Answer: BANG!
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click... (sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

Son: "Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next
one!"

Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!"

moreluck · 07-03-2006, 03:55 AM

"Medicine has made great strides in recent years. What was once an itch is now an allergy."

Rush Limbaugh was detained and questioned for transporting a possible illegal Viagra prescription into the country. Well... a least we know his back is feeling better.

After a family disturbance, one of the little boys closed his bedtime prayer by saying, "And please don't give my dad any more children...He don't know how to treat those he's got now."

Sometimes its hard to tell the difference between the strong, silent type and the simply stupid type.

moreluck · 07-03-2006, 03:57 AM

Note on the meter ....
The following note was fastened to a defective parking meter with a rubber band...

"I put three quarters in this meter. License #476IPQ."

"FRD719-Me, too!"

"So did I--JRY335."

"I'm not going to pay a quarter to find out if these guys are lying. WTM259."

moreluck · 07-03-2006, 04:27 PM

Despite all the talk about the speed of supersonic transports, no engineer has ever been able to concoct anything that can go faster than a vacation.

"Wouldn't it be wonderful if all children behaved the way you think you acted when you were a kid?"

"Success is often the result of taking a misstep in the right direction."

An airline pilot said to his copilot: "See that little lake? When I was a kid I used to sit in a rowboat down there, fishing. Every time a plane would fly overhead, I'd look up and wish I were flying it. Now I look down and wish I were in a rowboat fishing instead."

moreluck · 07-04-2006, 05:00 AM

Golf .....

I've been reading a new book, if any of you would like to borrow it just let me know. It's called the "Useful Golf Book". It contains some really good articles such as:

* How to Line Up Your Fourth Putt

* How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee

* How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker.

* How to get more distance off the shank

* Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk

* Crying and how to handle it

* How to rationalize a 7-hour round

* How to find the ball that everyone else saw go in the water

* Why your spouse no longer cares that you birdied the 4th

* How to let a foursome play through your twosome without getting embarrassed

* How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee

moreluck · 07-04-2006, 05:05 AM

Bargain: usually something that is so reasonably priced that the store won't take it back when you find out what's wrong with it.

Woman wish to be loved without a why or wherefore; not because they are pretty or good or well-bred or graceful or intelligent, but because they are themselves.

"Procrastination has its good side. You always have something to do tomorrow. "

"If you can give your child only one gift, let it be enthusiasm."

moreluck · 07-04-2006, 07:47 AM

"I shall know but one country. The ends I aim at shall be my country’s, my God’s and Truth’s. I was born an American; I live an American; I shall die an American." (Daniel Webster)

moreluck · 07-04-2006, 07:57 AM

FLAG ETIQUETTE.....

Here are some tips to make sure your tribute is a respectful one:

Display the flag only between sunrise and sunset on buildings and stationary flagstaffs. The flag may be displayed for twenty-four hours if illuminated in darkness.

Do not display the flag in inclement weather.

Whether displaying the flag vertically or horizontally, make sure the canton of stars is visible on the upper left-hand side.

Do not let the flag touch the ground.

An unusable flag that is damaged and worn and can no longer be displayed should be destroyed in a dignified way by burning.

When not on display, the flag should be respectfully folded into a triangle, symbolizing the tricorn hats worn by colonial soldiers in the Revolutionary War.

moreluck · 07-04-2006, 08:06 AM

"Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide." (Napoleon Bonaparte)

In the truest sense, freedom cannot be bestowed; it must be achieved." (Franklin D. Roosevelt)

"Freedom is never free. "

moreluck · 07-05-2006, 05:41 AM

The problem with buying something on time is that when its finally paid for, you need a new one.

"Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer." (Ted Williams)

"If you make ends meet, aren't you just going around in circles?"

moreluck · 07-05-2006, 05:43 AM

Louisiana ...
The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cock fights being held in the area around LaFayette, and duly dispatched the infamous Detective Desormeaux to investigate. He reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.

"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.

Desormeaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," was the reply, "I went down and done seed dat cock fight. I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."

The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?" Desmoreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns were involved wen summbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won."

moreluck · 07-05-2006, 06:04 AM

"Personally," a father remarked, "I have my doubts about solar energy. My son has spent most of his life on the beach, and he has less energy than anyone I know."

"Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave, but there's no need to be in the passing lane."

moreluck · 07-05-2006, 10:21 AM

Subject: IRS

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with an attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
fulltime employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars
that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other
side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his
hands.

"Are you okay?" The auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he
could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd
be happy about it.