Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

moreluck · 03-10-2008, 06:50 AM

Restaurant Specials...

My wife and I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials after our employees. Dishes like: "Chicken Mickey," after our dishwasher who gave us the recipe, and "Rod's Ribs," after a waiter who had his personal style of barbecue.

One evening after rereading the menu, I broke with this tradition and changed the description of the special we had named after our chef. Despite her skills and excellent reputation, somehow I didn't think an entree named: "Salmon Ella" would go over big with our customers.

moreluck · 03-11-2008, 06:53 AM

YOU WILL NEVER BE SORRY.......

..for thinking before acting.

..for hearing before judging.

..for forgiving your enemies.

..for being candid and frank.

..for helping a fallen brother.

..for being honest in business.

..for thinking before speaking.

..for being loyal to your church.

..for standing by your principles.

..for closing your ears to gossip.

..for bridling a slanderous tongue.

..for harboring pure thoughts.

..for sympathizing with the afflicted.

..for being courteous and kind to all.

moreluck · 03-12-2008, 07:12 AM

HOW MUCH IS A BILLION?

What's the difference between a millionaire and a billionaire?

A million seconds is 13 days.

A billion seconds is 31 years!

A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.

A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.

A billion dollars ago was yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.

moreluck · 03-12-2008, 04:33 PM

The Vatican published a new list of behavior considered sinful by the Catholic Church Monday. The list includes pollution and genetic experiments and taking mind-damaging drugs. It looks like everyone drinking tap water in America is going to hell.

President Bush said Monday he will send Dick Cheney to Saudi Arabia to discuss the price of oil. Why send him? With oil at one hundred eight dollars a barrel, we should sent Eliot Spitzer because he's the leading expert on this kind of transaction.

Argus Hamilton

moreluck · 03-13-2008, 05:37 AM

COMMENTS/AGREEMENTS MADE BEFORE MARRIAGE AND REGRETTED LATER (THE MAN IS SPEAKING):

---I want to have your children.

---Nah! We don't need any prenup. We'll always be together!

---Let's get married and grow old together!

---Your mother? You know I'll love her as my mother-in-law. And, she's welcome anytime!

---So, you're not such a great cook. Honey, that's no big deal. We can eat out every once in a while.

---Wow! We both want 2 boys and 2 girls!

---I know both of our parents got divorced. But, what does that have to do with us?

---Thanks honey. My job really requires me to travel 90% of the time and I'm glad that won't bother you.

---I'm glad you agree with my feeling that you shouldn't work and have a career.

---It's great that my little quirks like gulping my food, rushing through a meal, eating with my hands, and and occasionally farting out loud in public won't upset you.

---Great! You have no problem with my golfing every Saturday! What a wonderful and understanding wife you'll be!

---And, if I don't put down the toilet seat, you WON'T yell at me?! What a sweetheart!

---You sure poker every Tuesday with the guys at our place, cigar smoke everywhere, cursing, and beer belching won't bother you? Honey, what an understanding wife you'll make!

---Occasionally, I let the grass grow pretty high. That's no problem? Gee, honey, you're so sweet.

---Your mother can finalize the guest list for the reception. My mom will go along with anything! You know that.

---I'm the man for your life and I'll never lie to you or let you down. I swear.

---It will be wonderful to say yes when we're asked, "to love, honor, and cherish, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, forsaking all others, until death do us part."

moreluck · 03-13-2008, 07:06 AM

At a high School in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school building.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for goat #3.

moreluck · 03-13-2008, 12:13 PM

Walking The Dog ..........

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story... Have a great day and remember...
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED

Big Babooba · 03-13-2008, 03:26 PM

An older couple is lying in bed one morning,
having just awakened from a good night's sleep.
The husband takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me!"
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about?
We're both lying here in bed together talking to one another."
She says. "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world
makes you think you're dead?"

"NOTHING HURTS".

moreluck · 03-14-2008, 05:20 AM

Blonde Hunters..............

Two blonde hunters were dragging a deer back to their truck when another hunter happened by. "I don't want to tell you what to do," he said, "but it’s easier if you drag the deer the other way so the antlers don't dig into the ground."

After the hunter left, the two decided to try it his way. After a while, one said to the other, "Man that guy was right. This is easier.”

"Yeah," the other replied, "but we keep getting further and further away from the truck."

moreluck · 03-14-2008, 09:43 AM

The Nun......

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

moreluck · 03-14-2008, 08:16 PM

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must
have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."

traveler · 03-16-2008, 05:51 AM

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

traveler · 03-16-2008, 05:55 AM

Dear Abby,

I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is stil l messing around.

While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?

Signed,
Worried in NY

Dear Worried in NY:

I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.

moreluck · 03-18-2008, 05:16 PM

Paddy......

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

moreluck · 03-19-2008, 06:09 AM

The Top 10 Least Desirable Fortunes in a Fortune Cookie.....

We know where you live.

You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.

Everyone's meal today is on you!

The "special sauce" came from the floor!

Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!

Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.

A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.

Your dog Sparky...he's no longer missing.

See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.

MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus....maybe

moreluck · 03-19-2008, 08:25 AM

Animal Orgasm......

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.

He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing, I can't tell."

moreluck · 03-20-2008, 05:31 AM

Signs You're Really Broke.........

American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.

Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.

Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.

You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

You receive care packages from Europe.

Your bologna has no first name.

You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.

McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No."

The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.

moreluck · 03-20-2008, 07:13 AM

Barack Obama gave a speech about race on Tuesday in Philadelphia. He said black people are angry and white people are resentful and they're staring across a chasm of misunderstanding. Until we all learn Spanish that's the way it's going to be.

Barack Obama refused Tuesday to disown his pastor, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, who gives inflammatory anti-American sermons. He said the minister was the man who led him to Jesus Christ twenty years ago. Before that he was a white kid from Hawaii.

~Argus Hamilton~