Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Larry's Tattoo...

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking" she said, shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed
On his privates"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay
Right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is recovering in room 233 at a local hospital.

[moreluck]

Think you know everything?

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,silver,or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14.. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state (in USA) whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. 35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.


NOW you know everything....
You could be a TEENAGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[moreluck]

Young Pilot....

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.

Instead of making any official request to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"

[moreluck]

Grocery Shopping

A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping.

The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.

'Whoa, what do you think you're doing?' asks the man.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies...'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER, AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!'

[moreluck]

Success........

A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder.
Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds.
Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life.
Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair..... She looks at him, beckons,
and says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."
Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the man
climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman
slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any
means, but not repugnant. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to
success, "she says.
Again, the man elects to continue his climb.
Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually
attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. "Have sex with me, or
climb the ladder to success."
Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as
he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing.
A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his
life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, "Have sex
with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, needless to say he is
*very* tempted.
But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to
climb higher.
On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in
his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty..... "Who are you?" our
climber asks in horror. Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at
him and says, "Hi. I'm Cess.

[moreluck]

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child ..."

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"

The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."

The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"

The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."

The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis and a brain?"

[moreluck]

White House Breakfast

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House. The attractive young waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, 'I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

''Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton," and the she storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.......................................

"It's pronounced 'quiche.'"

[moreluck]

The Clothes Line. Do you remember?


The clothes line....a dead give away. Do the kids today even know what a clothes line is?
For all of us who are older, this will bring back the memories.

THE BASIC RULES
1. You had to wash the clothes line before hanging any clothes.
Walk the length of each line with a damp cloth around the line.

2. You had to hang the clothes in a certain order and always hang
whites with whites and hang them first.

3. You never hung a shirt by the shoulders, always by the tail.
What would the neighbors think?

4. Wash day on a Monday...........never hang clothes on the weekend or Sunday for heaven's sake!

5. Hang the sheets and towels on the outside lines so you could hide your 'unmentionables' in the middle.

6. It didn't matter if it was sub zero weather.............clothes would 'freeze dry.'

7. Always gather the clothes pins when taking down dry clothes. Pins left on the line was 'tacky'.

8. If you were efficient, you would line the clothes up so that each item did not need two clothes pins, but shared one of the
clothes pins with the next washed item.

9. Clothes off of the line before dinner time, neatly folded in the clothes basket and ready to be ironed.

10. IRONED?????????? Well, that's a whole other subject.


A POEM
A clothes line was a news forecast
To neighbors passing by.
There were no secrets you could keep
When clothes were hung to dry.

It also was a friendly link
For neighbors always knew
If company had stopped on by
To spend a night or two.

For then you'd see the "fancy sheets"
And towels upon the line;
You'd see the "company table cloths"
With intricate design.

The line announced a baby's birth
To folks who lived inside
As brand new infant clothes were hung
So carefully with pride.

The ages of the children could
So readily be known
By watching how the sizes changed
You'd know how much they'd grown.
It also told when illness struck,
As extra sheets were hung;
Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too,
Haphazardly were strung.
It said, "Gone on vacation now"
When lines hung limp and bare.
It told, "We're back!" when full lines sagged
With not an inch to spare.
New folks in town were scorned upon
If wash was dingy gray,
As neighbors carefully raised their brows,
And looked the other way..

But clotheslines now are of the past
For dryers make work less.
Now what goes on inside a home
Is anybody's guess.
I really miss that way of life.
It was a friendly sign
When neighbors knew each other best
By what hung on the line!

[moreluck]

10 Signs You Might Be a Taliban...........

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

9. You own a $1,500 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

8. You have more wives than teeth.

7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

4. You've never asked, 'Does this burka make my a$$ look big?'

3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

2. A common compliment is, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:

1. You wipe your a$$ with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

[moreluck]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old
next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come
over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied,
'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric...

[moreluck]

The Church Gossiper.....


Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone who saw it
parked there would know exactly what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then
just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend , or deny... He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... Walked home.. And left it there all night.

You Gotta love George...

[moreluck]

College Finals Prayer...........

Now I lay me down to study,
I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
If I should fail to learn this junk,
I pray the Lord I will not flunk.

But if I do, don't pity me at all,
Just lay my bones in the study hall.
Tell my Prof I did my best,
Then pile my books upon my chest.

Now I lay me down to rest,
I pray I'll pass tomorrow's test.
If I should die before I wake,
That's one less test I'll have to take.

[moreluck]

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

[moreluck]

Hospital Treatment

This sounds like a good procedure to relieve the pain.
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
What good will Viagra do for him, doctor?
The doctor replied,
It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.

[moreluck]

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
"I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for
Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

[moreluck]

The ten ifs of employment

1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it's the boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it's handwritten, type it.
8. if it's typed, copy it.
9. If it's copied, file it.
10. If it's Friday, forget it!

[moreluck]

THINGS YOU MAY HEAR JUST BEFORE UNEMPLOYMENT

I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are going to try!

We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is I'm sick of you.

It's not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've been responsible for more disasters than any one else in the place.

Today I'm going to mix business with pleasure. You're fired!

I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being late for work ever again.

Tell me...how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow?