Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

TRAIN TICKET

Three men and three women are travelling by train to the football

At the station, the three women each buy a ticket and watch as the three men buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the women.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the men.

They all board the train. The three women take their respective seats but all three men cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please. The door opens just acrack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The women see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.


When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three men don't buy any ticket at all!!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed woman.

'Watch and learn,' answer the men.

When they board the train, the three women cram themselves into a toilet, and the three men cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the men leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the women are hiding.

The man knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why women ever think they are smarter than men!

[moreluck]

Jerk....

One morning, a parish priest was opening his mail.
He took a single sheet of paper out of an envelope and unfolded it. Looking at the paper, he found that only one word had been written ... 'JERK'. At mass the following Sunday, he announced to his congregation, "I have known many people who have written letters and have forgotten to sign their name. However, this week I received a letter from someone who signed their name, but forgot to write a letter ... "

[moreluck]

Strange Places We'd Like to See

Shapeless, Mass.

Oola, La

Goodness, Me

Income, Tex.

Deathly, Ill.

Hittor, Miss.

Praise, Ala.

Coco, Colo.

Proan, Conn.

Farmerina, Del.

Inert, Mass.

Hezmakinizetime, Pa.

Ca,Ca

[moreluck]

GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FOR A PASTOR.......

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: The youth in your church come to the rectory for a surprise visit. Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

[moreluck]

North vs. South

A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites. "Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees.
Over there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks.
Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers."
A tourist says, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?"
"Yes ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus."

[moreluck]

Sharon Stone apologized Friday for saying China's earthquake was caused by China's bad karma. It was a costly gaffe for the actress. She lost her Christian Dior account, and hell will freeze over before she has her own line of jeans at Wal-Mart.

Barack Obama's church congregation roared with laughter Sunday as a white guest priest went wild onstage mocking white people and white entitlement. It's a total sacrilege. Richard Pryor's material is holy and must never be attempted by white guys.

Susan Sarandon vowed to move to Canada if McCain gets elected president. Last time, Martin Sheen and Barbra Streisand said they'd move to Canada if Bush was re-elected. All they had to do was express a little appreciation for their country and they could have spent the rest of their lives selling out showrooms in Branson.

~Argus Hamilton~

[moreluck]

SOME HUMAN FACTS.......

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why we were designed the way we were.

- Scientists say the higher your I.Q. the more you dream.

- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

- You use 200 muscles to take one step.

- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

- Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

- A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.

- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

- The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

- The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica. (Okay, that's for "most" people!)

- It takes the food 7 seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

- The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

- Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

- At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

- There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

- Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

- The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

- Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

- Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

Now remove your thumb from your nose and get back to work!

[moreluck]

Vacation in Ireland.......

A Spaniard on vacation in Ireland struck up a conversation
with Murphy. He happened to use the word 'manana'. Murphy
asked him to explain what 'manana' meant.

The Spaniard said that the term means "maybe the job will be done
tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that...perhaps
next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"

He then asked the Irishman if there was an equivalent term in
Irish.

"No, in Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree
of urgency", replied Murphy.

[moreluck]

Big Brown could win the Triple Crown in the Belmont Saturday. He just sold for stud at a record price. His value went up even higher when breeders realized that riding him to work every day would save them five thousand dollars a year in gasoline.

Geraldine Ferraro accused Barack Obama on Friday of hiding behind his race to avoid criticism in the campaign. For her, it's about women's rights. She's angry that a black man will get to lose in a landslide to a white war hero when it's a woman's turn.

~Argus Hamilton~

[moreluck]

Thinking outside the Box......

The teacher spent the entire hour reading to her class about the bison family. When she had finished, she said, "Name some things that are very dangerous to get near to and have horns."

A little boy raised his had and spoke up without hesitation: "Automobiles!"

[moreluck]

Ladies Night Out.

So ... the other day, three friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club." One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, my second friend pulls out a $20 bill.
She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek.

Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks.

Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the financial analyst in me took over.

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home.

[moreluck]

Old Is......

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?

[moreluck]

CAT MIND GAMES....

1. Stare with the exact same expression whether you're looking at nothing or an ax murderer.

2. Wait till your human lays out their clothes and decide this would be the perfect place to take a nap.

3. Race through the house, hair on end and stop in an attack pose. Then walk of nonchalantly. Repeat as necessary.

4. Play with invisible objects.

5. Wait till your human is asleep and jump up and start kneading any available body parts.

6. Do a figure 8 through your humans' legs while they are walking around the kitchen cooking something you won't get a bite of.

7. Before your human gets out of their bed, make sure you're napping in the bathroom doorway.

8. Leave gifts of small animal body parts in your human' s shoes. Then wait to be praised. Stalk off if not rewarded for your gift.

9. If you absolutely have to go to the vet, cling to your human's head, howling at the top of your lungs and spew hairballs on the vet.

10. Wait till your human is eating, then jump on the table and shed.

11. Using the litterbox at your human's mealtimes can be great fun.

[moreluck]

LUTHERAN AIRLINES



WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIRLINES IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA!


ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORDERN MITCHIGEN, NORT & SOUT DAKOTA


If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, the no-frills airline.You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, here flyin is a upliftinexperience. Dair is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.

Meals are potluck. Rows 1 tru 6, bring rolls; 7 tru 15, bring a salad;16 tru 21, a hot dish, and 22-30, a dessert.

Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.

All fares are by free will offering, and da plane will not land til da budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you wit dasafety system aboard dis Lutran Air. Okay den, listen up; I'm only
gonna say dis vonce:

In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna bereal surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around
two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean daSecond Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodder with doze
liddle masks on da rubber tubes--you're gonna have bigger tings to worryabout den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes.Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you,we're gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like drivingacross a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying daLord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sinsas we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say 'trespassagainst us,' which isn't right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not bec ause daymay confuse da plane's navigation system, which is by da pants all daway. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if Godhad meant you to use a cell phone, He wudda put your mout on da sideof your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffeepot up front.

Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pockets in front of you.Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upsetand I am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace:

Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest
and let deze gifts to us be blessed.
Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost,
May we land in Dulut or pretty close.

[moreluck]

Chinese Laundry Shop......

A tourist is walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, fascinated by all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. As he turns a corner, he catches sight of a building with a sign, 'Jerzy Dudek's Chinese Laundry'.

"Jerzy Dudek?" he thinks to himself. "How in the world does that fit in here?"
So, he enters the shop and sees an old Chinese man behind the counter. Approaching him, the tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like Jerzy Dudek's Chinese Laundry?"
"Is name of owner," answers the old man.
"Well, who and where is the owner?" asks the tourist.
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Jerzy Dudek?" the puzzled tourist asks.
"Is simple," the old man says. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Jerzy Dudek'. Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sem Ting'."

[moreluck]

Advice From Children...........
Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew,Age12

Never talk back to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Rosemary, Age 7

Don't flush the toilet when you're dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when yourparents are doing taxes. Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's onthe phone. Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat. Laura, Age 13

Never do pranks at a police station. Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your momtold you to do. Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13

[moreluck]

Scam Warning.................

I hate people who forward too many warnings as much as anyone, but this one is important!

Send this warning to everyone you know, friends and enemies!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around, do not do it!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked!

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

[moreluck]

SCENTED CANDLES FOR MEN.......

'62 Chevy truck - Interior and Exhaust
Gunpowder
Wet Dog (only if it's your own dog)
Frying Bacon (actually, a lot of different fried foods)
Wood Smoke
Chainsaw E