Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

moreluck · 06-24-2008, 05:50 AM

Transcribing Troubles........

We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head and smiled.

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."

moreluck · 06-25-2008, 05:58 AM

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE OVER THE HILL...............

-You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

-You keep repeating yourself.

-Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

-You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.

-You keep repeating yourself.

-You start video taping daytime game shows.

-You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

-Your insurance company has started sending you their free

calendar...a month at a time.

-At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

-Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

-When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out..and it stays out.

-One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

-Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

-You keep repeating yourself.

-It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

-You discover the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by- cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.

-You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

-You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

-You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

-You look both ways before crossing a room.

-You keep repeating yourself.

-You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity. -You go to a garden party and you're mainly interested in the garden. -You keep repeating yourself.

Big Babooba · 06-25-2008, 08:44 AM

WHY we love children ...

1) NUDITYI was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONSOn the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUPA woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITYA little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2Itwas the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLYWhileworking for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UPAlittle girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH Whilewalking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glorybeunto theFaaather, and unto theSonnn, and into the hole hegoooes.'(I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOLAlittle girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLEA little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

moreluck · 06-26-2008, 06:42 AM

Signs of the times.....

Signin a bakery; "you're the object of our confections."

Sign in a cafe: " Our coffee urns its praise,"

Sign in a Produce department; " Our watermelons are the best you ever seed."

Sign in a health food store: "To indulge is to bulge."

Sign on a St. Louis tourist poster: "Missouri loves company."

Sign in a reducing salon:" Where there's a will there's a waist."

Sign at a boat showroom: " Out to Launch."

Sign at the post office:" To each his zone."

Sign above a light switch:" Turn off please. Thanks a Watt."

Sign at a fruit stand:"Cider-easy to get now, will be hard later.

moreluck · 06-26-2008, 07:11 AM

The Pope
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps Ill be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he ll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters 'u-n-t?'"

Only one word leapt to mind...
"My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word."

The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

moreluck · 06-26-2008, 12:10 PM

YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know!

YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH

This is pretty neat

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read .

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to
go out to eat (more than once but less than 10).

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758...

If you haven't, add 1757.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number ( i. e., how many times
you want to go out to restaurants in a week).

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2008) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS

06-26-2008, 09:22 PM

Why did the blonde order curtains for her computer?

Cause it has Windows!!!

moreluck · 06-27-2008, 08:06 AM

WHY we love children ...

1) NUDITYI was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONSOn the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITYA little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2Itwas the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLYWhileworking for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UPAlittle girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH Whilewalking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glorybeunto theFaaather, and unto theSonnn, and into the hole hegoooes.'(I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOLAlittle girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLEA little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

BLACKBOX · 06-27-2008, 10:50 PM

A man was out fishing one day when a wave capsized his boat. Floating in the water in the middle of nowhere he pleaded with God to help him.

In a few minutes a ship came by but he waved it off saying God will help him.

Next a plane flew by and again he waved it off saying God will help him.

A helicopter then sees the man in the water and AGAIN he waves them off saying God will help him.

Eventually he drowns....when he gets to the pear;y gates he sees God and says God I thought you were going to help me?

God says I did....I sent a Ship ,a plane and a helicopter!

moreluck · 06-28-2008, 06:43 AM

Super Salesman.....

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked if he had any sales experience.
The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
The next day the manager inquires, "How many sales did you make today?"
The young man replied without hesitation, "One."
The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid said, "$101,237.64."
The boss was shocked! "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?"
The kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing. He said up the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."
Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.'"

moreluck · 06-28-2008, 07:01 AM

Drafting Guys over 60

----this is so funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier----

New Direction for any war:
Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think s I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill someone that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the heck. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical terrorist.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.

moreluck · 06-29-2008, 06:37 AM

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN BAKERSFIELD, CA. WHEN......
1. A date to the Melodrama is the "theater".
2. You have to explain to company from out of town, what animal "tri-tip" comes from and that it's indigenous to the area.
3. You buy salsa by the gallon.
4. You think a red traffic light is merely a suggestion.
5. All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October, but clear out before the end of April.
6. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
7. You think 6 tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.
8. You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
9. You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
10. Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.
11. People break out coats when the temperature drops below 70.
12. You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive your car. 13. You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.
14. The pool can be warmer than you are.
15. You can make sun tea instantly.
16. You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.
17. People with black cars or black upholstery are assumed to be from out-of-town.
18. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
19. The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the water from the hot one.
20. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
21. Sun screen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 SPF is a joke, and you wear it just to go to Circle K.
22. Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.
23. And finally, no one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.

moreluck · 06-29-2008, 06:49 AM

George Carlin's ..............

"Things to do to keep People alert!!"

* Back up at the bank drive thru

* At the grocery store, fill your wagon to the top with groceries & then find a person in the checkout with 1 item & ask if you can go ahead of them, becuase you're in a hurry

*go up to anyone on the street & say: " Pardon me, I have NOTHING TO SAY!"

*when in a bar drinking & someone offers to buy you a drink, say "no thank you , but can I have the money instead."

*go into a gift shop & tell them you want your gift.

* next time at a hotel , use the hotel sewing kit to sew the towels together & then sew the sheets to the drapes.

*next time you pull up to a toll booth, & the guy sticks out his hand, Bargin with him. Tell them it's a used road & you want a discount.

* when driving & there is someone is next to you say...
" PULL OVER! PULL OVER! PULL OVER!" .then when they do, keep driving. Let them figure it out.

Just a few tips to help keep American people alert!!

moreluck · 06-30-2008, 06:01 AM

Orange Aid.....

The doctor walked into the waiting room where a man had been waiting for several minutes. He said, "Hi. What seems to be the problem?"

The man replied, "I'm not sure, doc. There's something terribly wrong with my penis! Is turned bright orange!"

The doctor looked surprised and said, "Orange?? I've never heard of anything like that, and I've practiced medicine for 30 years! Let's have a look at it."

The man dropped his pants and showed the doctor his penis. Sure enough, it was bright orange, and the doctor gasped.

"Oh, my God!" he exclaimed. "I've never seen anything like this before! When did you first notice this?"

The man said, "About an hour ago."

The doctor said, "Can you think of anything you have done that could have caused this? What were you doing right before you noticed this?"

The man said, "Well, nothing, really. Just watching porno flicks and eating Cheetos."

moreluck · 06-30-2008, 09:10 AM

Top Signs A Police Officer Is Too Fat.....

10. Traded his police cruiser for a Good Humor truck.

9. On dru